


I'm with you till the end of the line

by somnambulistic



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety Disorder, Artist Steve Rogers, Artist!Steve, Author!Bucky, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bisexual!Steve, Bucky Barnes & Tony Stark Friendship, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gay Bucky Barnes, M/M, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Steve has anxiety, Stucky - Freeform, and steve wants bucky to be his personal cookie baker, bucky giggles a lot when he's drunk, bucky makes good cookies, gay!Bucky, it's a mess, not finished, steve has issues with feelings, steve has nightmares, they fall in love at some point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-06-06 18:46:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 52,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15201095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somnambulistic/pseuds/somnambulistic
Summary: A Stucky AU where Steve and Bucky slowly fall in love despite of everything that comes in between them. Steve is an artist with anxiety and he loves drawing Bucky, a literature student who also writes books.





	1. One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is the first story I've published in four or five years and I'm actually excited for this. The story is set in an AU so Steve's just Steve, not Captain America and James Barnes is not Winter Soldier and basically they just live in the 21st century but yeah. I don't own any of the characters expect my own characters (so not many) but yeah.

Blurred lines, fingers coated with black charcoal. The paper was bumpy and the material made the intensive black seem to be even more intensive, as Steve Rogers was trying to capture the beautiful male body to his art. He drew long lines, not taking the pressed charcoal off of the paper. He tried to make a masterpiece out of a masterpiece, but the model moving every two minutes made it actually easier. It was messier, and no one noticed, if Steve missed one arm over here and one leg over there. All of the different positions were drawn over the other ones, and soon it was such a mess it could even be considered art. Steve saw what his hand was doing, but he wasn’t in control of it anymore. He traced the model’s lines to the paper, wanting to capture all that beauty. He didn’t get to draw naked people enough, and it was one of his favorite things to do. It was such an intimate thing.

 

The bell rang. His fellow art students, or most of them at least, ran out from the room, leaving their unfinished sketches to the shelf on the wall. Steve stayed there a little longer, placing his art supplies carefully into his bag, trying not to get charcoal everywhere from his hands and then returning the unfinished charcoal sketch. Steve was certain about having some smudged, black lines on his forehead from swiping his growing fringe away. He had also apparently had an itchy nose at some point, he noticed through the mirror. The blonde man washed his face improperly, just trying to get most of the charcoal off. He decided to go and get a cup of coffee before his work shift would begin, since he would get home around eight and it was now four o’clock – and he, of course, could not sleep at work. Strolling in the hallways, he got out from the building. It was actually a high school in Brooklyn, but he only went there for the art classes. He already had done school enough, but he loved going to the art classes. He loved just sitting there, drawing the compositions and still life. He loved the fact, that he actually had motivation to do something like that, and it was enough for him to get up and get to the classes, whenever they were held. It wasn’t even weekly, because the whole thing was ran with such a low budget. Everyone had to bring their own art equipment, but they all had a great time. They usually had coffee, but this time they didn’t have – not that Steve minded this particular time, he was so fascinated by the model this time, that he sure as hell would not have wasted even a minute for coffee over something like that.

 

Steve was _tired_. He had slept only for two hours the night before and he couldn’t wait to get his sixth cup of coffee that day. He was excited to work, because he loved the smell of books. Most of the books were new, but he absolutely enjoyed the smell and even just the feeling of old paper! He loved the idea of having a whole universe in his hands, when he carried a book to its own place. He felt like he was some sort of universe caretaker, he kept all of the alternative universes in their places and he loved doing it. But it was true. Every story, every single book was someone’s universe. Everything, that there was. The authors had written out their thoughts, they had poured it all out just so other people could read it and try to figure out, what was going on in the writer’s mind at that exact time.

 

During Steve’s breaks from his working shifts, he'd love to go to the biology section. It was this particular, usually very quiet section in the library. There was a huge window, covered in a small layer of dust, with a table underneath it. Steve loved to just sit there, drawing the books and the buildings outside. His boss was very understanding about Steve’s anxiety, and when it got too overwhelming for Steve to be around anyone, he could just take a small break and sketch something. Steve let his mind wonder off, he listened to Radiohead and dreamed about Rome or Paris and making art. He wanted his own art exhibitions, he wanted to be recognised for his art. He wanted to run away to the world, he wanted to leave Brooklyn far behind. And he had nothing to keep him there. Steve had absolutely no reason to stay in the city, he had no reason to stay there and be miserable. It would be easy! Just to take a flight away and get a restaurant job in Rome and start making art. He loved even dreaming about it, he loved counting up his savings, just to see if he could afford his dreams. His best friend, and roommate, would probably move with him. Natasha had no reason to stay, either. Or maybe she did and Steve would just leave alone; but then Steve would also have a reason to stay. He desperately wanted and actually needed a reason to stay, he was so tempted to leave. He wanted a reason to stay, but he didn't trust enough. He didn't feel like he could trust anyone enough to not to leave. He had a good reason to leave Brooklyn behind, but he thought he couldn't just leave everything behind, so it'd be much better if he didn't have anything to leave behind.

 

Around the time Steve’s anxiety was slowly falling off of his shoulders and chest, he was still sitting on the table, drawing the buildings and quietly singing along with the song he was listening to, without even noticing it.

 

”That’s a great song,” he heard somewhere close, not sure if it even was said to him and looked up and felt his breath get stuck in his throat. A few feet away from him, there stood someone. The guy had long, dark hair that was falling away from behind his ear. He was tall and broad-shouldered and he actually looked like a _god_. He was breathtakingly gorgeous and he made Steve’s heart almost skip a beat. Steve had no idea who the person was, but he was struck by the person’s unholy beauty and he couldn’t get his eyes off of him. He looked even better than the model from the art class earlier. Steve couldn’t help but stare at the stranger’s amazing facial features and the way his body was built. He could already picture how he could try to capture it, the bit tensed up body.

 

”Huh?” _Steve, get yourself together. Don’t drool. Act cool._

 

”That’s a great song, Radiohead’s great,” the guy said, smiling and _oh my god_ Steve almost fainted because of the small dimples that appeared to his cheeks. The guy had a shit ton of books in his arms, sci-fi and fantasy mostly, judging from a quick look.

 

”Radiohead’s great, yeah” Steve replied quietly, his throat closing up from anxiety. He had general and social anxiety, making his interactions with other people really awkward.

 

”You drawing?” The guy had the most amazing and soothing voice. It was quite deep and Steve felt like he could just listen to it nonstop for days. _Quit it_ , Steve, he mentally slapped himself.

 

”Just the view, it’s quite amazing. Love the buildings from up here,” Steve answered a little more louder this time, causing the dark-haired god to smile. ”Shit, I have to get back to work,” he cursed and rushed to get his drawing supplies together.

 

”Hey, what’s your name,” Steve recognised his own voice asking the other guy, not in control of himself.

 

”Bucky.”

 

Later that night, Steve was still up and feeling sad. Like, really sad. His anxiety was builing up, and someone trying to get even close to him made him even more anxious about everything. Steve hated being alone, but he hated the idea of being left alone and being rejected even more. He went to bathroom and took his anxiety pills from the cabinet, taking two. Maybe he could sleep a bit better, if he wasn’t so anxious – but the truth is that he wouldn’t even sleep. Thanks, insomnia. Steve went to his best friend’s room. They lived together, since Steve didn’t have any other family to live with and Natasha had wanted to move out from her parents’. Steve had known Natasha for many years. They had met six years ago, when Natasha was still eighteen years old and wanted to get some money by being a naked model for Steve's art class. Long story short, she thought Steve was horny because he had stared at her body, but he really had just tried to find a way to make a masterpiece not look so bad on his paper. Steve had finally learned how to trust her after a few years of knowing her.

 

”Hey, Nat, want to hang out?” Natasha Romanoff was amazing. She didn’t give a fuck about anything and she was basically an older sister to Steve.

 

”Steve, I’m sleeping, You woke me up. Do you actually want to die – sorry, that wasn’t – fuck, I’ll just see you tomorrow, okay?” Steve would have been dead, if Natasha could've killed with her looks. She also looked sorry, she knew she shouldn't have asked something like that from Steve. Steve's anxiety made him want to die, but only sometimes. 

 

Steve walked out from the room, sighing and saying his good nights to his best friend. Of course Nat was sleeping, it was four in the morning. He was the only one awake.

 

Steve stayed up, drawing and listening to some indie rock. He would go to his balcony every half an hour to smoke a cigarette, but then he would come back inside and just draw a little more. Before he could even try to sleep, his alarm woke him up and he got up from his bed. Once again, no sleep at all. He wished he could just sleep, even if it would be just having nightmares.

 

 


	2. Two

Bucky Barnes was sitting in the park nearby his apartment, a worn out paperback novel in his hands. He was reading, as usually, but today his mind was just racing around, not letting him focus on the book. He didn’t have his earbuds in, like he usually did. Today was a really quiet day, the only sounds he could hear came from the forest. Far away, he could recognize cars and an airplane. He didn’t mind the silence, he absolutely loved it. He was so used to everything being so loud, the society didn’t want to stop for even a few seconds to take in the world.

 

Bucky had been reading in the library for hours a few days before, when he had heard this quiet singing, Radiohead’s _Reckoning_. A tall, blonde and _absolutely beautiful_ guy had been, in a yellow shirt, his blond hair messed up and charcoal on his nose, just drawing and looking outside the window. Bucky had seen him in the library many times, but he had never actually talked to the cute guy. He didn’t have enough courage, even though he usually did. This time he had felt like he really, _really_ should talk to the guy. And so he did. After Steve had asked about his name, he had had to rush away, back to working. Bucky stayed there, amazed and not wanting to move. He eventually loaned the books and went home. He had a whole table just for books from library – he wouldn’t want to forget them somewhere on his bed or the floor or even the fridge (even though it was only that one time).

 

Bucky was a literature student in a university, but his studies were quite easy and he loved it. To get more money, he was a barista in a coffee shop near the library, where Steve worked. It was quite easy, if you wouldn’t mind some customers being total a-holes and all the stupid puns about coffee he had heard for millions of times from several different customers. He always had to put on a polite smile and pretend to like their puns, when in reality they were just really awful.

 

The long haired man just sat there, on the ground, staring at the clouds and carefully taking his notebook from his bag. He started writing, and he couldn’t stop it. He wrote about the feelings he had, he wrote about the shapes of the clouds, how the turtle was swallowing the bunny in the sky. He wrote about the charcoal smudge on Steve’s nose, and he wrote about himself.

 

Steve wasn’t feeling that great. He felt his chest burn, and he knew he would have to do something about it before he had no chance to do it at all anymore. Steve put on some loose pants and decided not to wear a shirt, as it was quite warm outside and he’d get even warmer as he would run around. Getting his sketch book and some pencils in a back bag, Steve took his anxiety pills and left for a jog. He didn’t really enjoy the running. He wasn’t fast, he was even insecure about his own abilities to run. But it didn’t matter to him, all he cared about was getting his anxiety away. Sure, running was uncomfortable, but chest-burning anxiety sure as hell was even more uncomfortable. And that is what made him love jogging when anxious. He also tried to convince his body, that he needed sleep. It usually didn’t work, but it was always worth the shot.

 

Bucky was sitting and writing, when he looked up from the white pages. He almost choked when he saw a really familiar looking blonde jog into the park. What was he doing here? Steve had no shirt on and he was sweaty all over, and he almost made Bucky melt away. As soon as Steve noticed the dark-haired man sitting on grass, Bucky waved to him. ”What’re you reading,” Steve asked breathlessly after jogging to his almost-friend, wiping some sweat from his forehead. He felt his hair sticking to his skin because of the sweating. He was feeling a lot better than earlier. ”Harry Potter,” Bucky grinned, showing Steve his book’s cover.

 

”So, do you like to read a lot?” Steve asked, and then mentally slapped himself for even opening his mouth. _Why why why did you even open your mouth shut the fuck up –_ ”Reading’s amazing. Like, I get to travel to a whole different world and leave all worries and stuff here,” Bucky smiled.

 

Steve was amazed, Bucky hadn’t walked away or been weirded out by his question. It seemed as if Bucky liked talking to Steve. ”Yeah, that’s a pretty amazing thing. I usually just draw to forget everything.” Steve felt his voice crack a bit and was afraid he’d start stuttering. He thought his face was red, but in reality it wasn’t red at all. He felt so clumsy, not knowing what he was supposed to say and what he wasn’t. He was _so_ bad in all kinds of social interactions, and he was surprised, when Bucky asked if he could see some of Steve’s drawing some day, really wanting to see them – he didn’t even start mocking Steve for opening up a tiny bit. Bucky started talking about his favorite scenes from the particular book he was reading, and gave Steve examples of some really nice word choices from the book.

 

Bucky was good at making friends, and he was usually good at reading people, but Steve was different. He didn’t talk much at first, but as they started talking about Harry Potter, Steve seemed to relax and even laughed a bit. ”I’m going to sit back and listen to the world for awhile. Care to join me? It’s beautiful, really. So quiet today.” Steve could not even think about rejecting the offer, so he just let himself fall down to the grass, shut his eyes and listened.

 

”You’re cool, Steve,” Bucky mentioned as Steve finally stood up to leave for the rest of his run after a while.

 

”You’re cool, too, Buck.”

 

 


	3. Three

That morning Steve had actually woken up from a deep sleep. He had actually taken his sleep medication. He was shaking, though, seeing as he had seen nightmares. His mother had been laying on the hospital bed, not responding. Her heart had stopped, when Steve had been sitting next to her, holding her hand. And he kept seeing it. Every night, when he slept.

 

Steve was shaky. Natasha had goddamn broken their coffee machine and he couldn’t be more annoyed, so he decided to go and take a walk to the cafe near the library. He usually didn’t go there, since he always had his own coffee with him and he could just make more coffee at the library. 

 

The blonde kept thinking about Bucky. How had he not noticed the man before? Steve usually avoided people and any kind of social interactions, but he actually regretted the way how he acted if it was the reason he had met Bucky just last week for the first time. Bucky had told him, he had wanted to talk to Steve a lot before he actually did for the first time. And Steve had told Bucky why he avoided people and was anxious. He usually didn’t open up to people, but that was small and Bucky was grateful Steve told him about himself. They were on the way to become friends, but Steve couldn’t help but notice he had butterflies getting worked up inside his stomach every time he talked to Bucky or even thought about the guy.

 

Steve walked into the cafe, getting to the counter and his whole face lighting up, when he noticed the quite hot barista.

 

”You look awful, did you sleep at all last night?” Bucky grinned, as Steve looked relieved because he didn’t need to use his quickly practised speech, in which he would have probably just stuttered something inaudible and would have probably also gotten his order wrong, even though it was the most simple thing to order.

 

”Yeah, I slept well.” Steve didn’t want to tell Bucky that he had seen nightmares all night but couldn’t wake up because he had taken a bit too much sleep medication and that he actually wanted to just be home, laying on his bed without anyone there. Natasha had taken off to Russia a few days earlier, so she wouldn’t be there to get Steve up.

 

”You don’t look like it.” Bucky was actually a bit worried, since Steve looked like shit. His eyes were a bit bloodshot and his lips were chapped. He had the smallest stubble on his chin and his hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed in weeks. Steve always had the most colorful clothes on, but today he was wearing a black shirt and black trousers.

 

”You’re staring,” Steve whispered, cathcing Bucky’s attention. ”And a coffee, black, please”

 

”Sorry,” the black-haired boy whispered back. He had grown very fond of Steve, even though they had been talking for only a couple of weeks. Bucky went to pour some fresh coffee for Steve, glad that his shift would end in fifteen minutes.

 

”I’ll see you around,” Steve smiled as Bucky gave him his coffee. When Steve turned around and started walking away, bringing the cup to his lips, someone crashed into him and caused Steve to end up with hot coffee poured on his shirt and on the other guy.

 

”Fucking _fuck_ , watch where you’re going,” the other guy yelled, seeming to be really pissed off. He stormed out, and Steve was starting to feel more and more anxious. Bucky noticed it, took off his apron and told his co-workers he’d quit a bit earlier.

 

”Hey, you want to come over to my place and get a dry shirt?”

 

Steve hesitated for a bit. There was still a slight chance, that Bucky would be an assassin and was just waiting for a right time to kill Steve. Not that he would have minded it. 

 

”Mmh, sure, but I’m going to need more coffee. Can’t stay awake, my roommate broke my coffee machine.”

 

 

Bucky’s home was really nice. He lived in a tall building, and his apartment was on the fifth floor. Luckily, there was an elevator. The floors were dark brown and the walls were a tobacco-spit like yellow, and he had millions of books. Not literally, but Bucky had books almost everywhere. The place was a three-room with a kitchen and a bathroom. While Bucky went to the kitchen to make coffee for Steve, Steve had sat down on his bed. When Bucky went to his bedroom, Steve was shirtless, running his fingers through his hair and looking around the room, not noticing Bucky was back. Bucky almost choked, his gayness going from ten to one hundred in one second. Steve had really nice, muscular body – like, not too muscular, but a firm and definitely amazing body and _hot damn_ it was making Bucky feel hot inside. This was the second time he got to see Steve without a shirt on and it was making him feel like he could use an ice-cold bottle of holy water to clean his eyes.

 

”Can I have a shirt? Mine’s wet and it’s cold.”

 

Bucky chuckled quite nervously, giving Steve the cup of coffee and then getting Steve a blue sweater to wear. It was big, and it looked huge on Steve. But he looked adorable. _Bucky, stop it, he’s probably straight._ _Like, he could be gay,_ _but he probably isn’t gay, Stop. It._ Bucky kept yelling at himself.

 

”Tell me more about yourself,” Bucky said to Steve, while Steve was drawing Bucky. He had just asked if he could draw him, and Bucky didn’t have anything against it.

 

”I’m Steven Grant Rogers, born and raised in Brooklyn. I’m twenty-three years old and I work at the library –”

 

”No, I mean, stuff I don’t know yet. Like, what dreams do you have. What’s your favorite place in the whole world, stuff like that.”

 

Steve just grinned, taking his eyes off of the sketch book to glance at Bucky sitting on the floor, legs crossed and a cup of green tea in his hands.

 

”I want to run away to Rome, or Paris, or literally anywhere that’s not Brooklyn, to make art,” he said. ”And I really don’t have a favorite place, but I like quiet, peaceful places. Like this, this is great.” Steve was referring to them two sitting in Bucky's living room, listening to some music quietly.

 

”Sounds like a good plan,” Bucky reached out to get his book from the table, and Steve jokingly told him to stay still or Bucky's hand would be double the size in length. ”Why not Brooklyn?”

 

”Too many bad memories, I just kind of want to get out and leave it all behind.”

 

There was a moment of silence, when Bucky opened his book from where he was and Steve continued to draw the god-like man.

 

”I dream to be an author. Like, I want to be able to capture something unique on paper and then let other people experience it,” Bucky said in a dreamy voice. ”Like, I have written a couple of books but they’ve never been published.”

 

”I’m sure you’ll go far,” Steve smiled at the paper, totally knowing that he now had something keeping himself in Brooklyn. Maybe he wouldn’t go so far, not yet. He could continue making art here for now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I actually forgot to say hi and stuff but. Yeah, I hope you all who find this story will like it! I'm sorry if my english is a bit bad, I'm really rusty and I decided to try to write something to get a bit better (I have my final exams next spring) but yeah. Hope you all enjoy it afdnjsdfgowj I'm such a mess sorry


	4. Four

 

Bucky was sitting in the library, his nose nearly touching the book he was reading. Some hair strands were falling from behind his ears, and he looked so focused on the book. In reality, he was stressfully trying to get the book read before the deadline of his analysis of the book. He was so stressed out, he had to work and he had to study and he felt like he was drowning in everything. He hadn’t slept well for a few days, trying to get all his school work done in time. He was going out tonight with his friend, Tony, to celebrate. He didn’t even know what they’d celebrate this time. Tony Stark always had a reason to throw a party or get wasted. And Bucky, of course, had promised him he’d go with Tony. And this day was probably the worst day to go out, but Bucky didn’t feel like cancelling a few hours before.

 

Bucky woke up from daydreaming when his phone went off. It was a message from Steve; they had finally exchanged numbers after the coffee incident. It had been two weeks ago, and Steve still hadn’t returned the blue sweater. Bucky wasn’t even mad. He checked the message.

 

’ _Look at this doggo baby,’_ and then a selfie of a puppy and Steve making a funny face.

 

’ _that’s probably the cutest thing ever,’_ Bucky replied, smiling at the picture.

 

’ _Ik i just want to keep it forever but im just dogsitting for a few days,’_ Steve’s next message said. ’ _You want to keep company to us tonight? Ill order chinese.’_

 

Bucky sighed, cursing Tony for making him go and party. Bucky didn’t like partying nor getting so drunk he’d pass out in a cab at three, while Tony was shaking him to wake up so they could go to another party – all of their party nights from the last three years summed up.

 

’ _Can’t tonight, maybe tomorrow? Promised my friend I’d go to a party with him.’_

 

’ _tomorrow'll do!’_

 

 

Bucky hated the club they went to. It was full of people, as in there was a lot of people touching him because of the lack of room. The lights were too bright, burning Bucky's eyes and there was this really strong smell of sweat, alcohol and vomit. After an hour of being there, Bucky was already quite drunk, but he could still think straight. He couldn’t think straight anymore when Tony wanted to have his keys so he couldn’t leave in the middle of partying, which could totally have happened anytime. And which happened nearly every single time they went out together.

 

”So, James, who’s this Steve you’ve been so _busy_ with lately?” Tony Stark was a curious man. Bucky knew Tony wouldn’t give up on this, he even called Bucky by his real name. No one really called him James. Bucky associated _James_ with something he wasn’t. It was just something he was not, or would ever be again.

 

”Just a friend.” Tony waggled his eyebrows at Bucky. ”I’m serious, he’s just a friend. Nothing more, believe me.” Bucky didn’t know if he even believed himself.

 

”Are you sure,” Tony said after a small pause from talking, ”that he’s just a friend but you’d like him not to be _just_ a friend.” Tony wasn’t good at relationships. His girlfriend, Pepper, was good at them, luckily. Bucky actually thought it was Pepper talking to him instead of Tony (if it would have been the Tony he had met three years ago, he would have just told Bucky to fuck Steve and then never talk to him again), Tony had an amazing point. Bucky had known Steve for a month or so. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling, but he would have loved to find out. ”I know you, and you usually don’t talk about people in such passionate way.” That hit Bucky hard.

 

”No, I’m not sure, but I am sure that I want to get drunk. Like, really drunk,” Bucky realised he could at least do something kind of productive while he was out. ”Right now.”

 

That was something that made Tony happy. He ordered tens of shots for Bucky, and Bucky downed them all without even thinking about it. The bad part of them drinking was that in the end, they would both end up in such a condition they couldn’t possibly take care of each others. So, that’s how Bucky ended up walking alone outside around midnight, no cabs in sight and no keys to get home. He walked down a street, following the moonlight that made the street covered in water seem like another universe. Bucky felt a bit nauseous, and just when he reached his apartment, he realized he had left his keys to Tony. Tony, who had ditched Bucky to get to another party, while he was vomiting in the club’s filthy bathroom.

 

Bucky couldn’t call Tony, that was obvious. He sure as hell wouldn’t come by his apartment so that Bucky wouldn’t freeze. The awful thing was that Tony had Bucky’s only spare key, and he probably had already lost it. The brunette was feeling really cold as he sat down to the cold, wet ground and took out his phone. There was another message from Steve, another selfie with a dog. Bucky called him.

 

”Are you awake,” Bucky mumbled, his words sounding blurred and dreamy. ”Tony’s got keys and ’m cold, can’t get home.”

 

The very drunk Bucky heard Steve sigh on the other end of the line. ”Yeah, I’m awake. Watching some horror movie. Do you need for me to pick you up?”

 

”You don’t even have a car,” Bucky said, laying down to the ground. ”The ground’s wet. Why is it wet, Stevie?”

 

”It rained a few hours ago, and I do have a bicycle. Where exactly are you right now?” Bucky told him, complaining about the wet air (Steve had no idea how Bucky could even be that drunk) and just rambling about wanting a pet bird even though he was afraid of them.

 

”Be there in ten,” Steve said and hanged up the call after Bucky had confirmed he would not move a muscle before Steve would show up, and that he would be all right. Bucky tried to count the seconds before Steve would show up, but he forgot the numbers between six and ten and got confused about the whole thing. Why did he call Steve? He could have called Pepper and asked if she had the spare key, seeing as she and Tony lived together. It would have been quite simple, but Bucky decided the answer to his question would be the need to pet a puppy until he could make up his mind about Steve.

 

Steve finally showed up with his bright yellow bicycle, taking in the mess that was sitting on the ground. Bucky’s hair was so messy it looked like he didn’t even own a hair brush. His clothes were wet and his eyes were puffy. Bucky giggled out loud when he saw Steve. ”You have a green – yellow car!”

 

Steve must have looked really, really worried when he got off his bike and walked to Bucky, giving him a hand. ”Ooh, your hand is tiny, punk,” he said drunkenly.

 

”Jerk. Let’s go, I left Cat alone to my place and I’m really worried about him tearing the whole place down,” Steve answered, obviously humored by Bucky’s state of mind.

 

Steve had been feeling really low for the whole day. Natasha was usually the one who dogsitted for her friends, but now that she was out of the continent, Steve was willing to do the job alone. Cat, the puppy, had cheered him up a bit and Steve had ordered the chinese food he had wanted earlier. He had even watched some romantic movies, giving fuel to the hopeless romantic side of his.

 

”Cat? I thought you’re dogsitting,” the brunette seemed to be confused, as he was helped up and started walking with Steve. The first few steps went well, but then Bucky almost tripped to his open shoe laces and giggled when Steve caught him from falling face down to the hard ground.

 

”The dog’s name is Cat. I have no idea why anyone would do that.”

 

”That’s the best name for a dog I’ve ever heard. Dibs on it, sure your friend won’t mind if I copy it,” Bucky rambled as Steve tried to figure out how to get Bucky safely to his apartment. ”Will you carry me, punk?”

 

”I’m not a punk, you jerk, I’m your savior today.”

 

”Yeah, I know that, punk.”

 

Steve ended up lifting Bucky to sit in the big basket in the front of his bicycle. Bucky held his hands up for the whole ride and pretended to be a bird, while blocking Steve’s sight. Luckily Bucky was just the right size for the basket, or else Steve would have had to walk the bike back while almost carrying Bucky. Luckily they didn’t fall down or get hit by a car. The building Steve lived in didn’t have an elevator and unluckily he lived on the third floor. It wasn’t that far, but the stairs were a bit too much for his friend. Steve carried Bucky up, Bucky staring at Steve’s face for the whole time. ”Why are you doing this for me? You could have just left me there, I could have picked the lock or called Pepper, you know,” Bucky started rambling again. This time he was the more awkward person of them two, amusing Steve with it.

 

”Why wouldn’t I do it, jerk?” Bucky didn’t reply to it, and when Steve unlocked his apartment’s door, Cat was there to greet the two guys. ”Look, it’s a pupper! Did you know that pupper means tits in norwegian,” Bucky sat down to the floor and rubber Cat’s belly, while he tried to bite Bucky’s fingers. ”Why do you know that,” Steve asked, not really sure if he wanted to know.

 

”Before starting to date his girlfriend, my best friend Tony would have all these one night stands and once he had apparently hooked up with this norwegian gal and she had told him before, that she had two puppies,” Bucky looked happy, playing with Cat. ”So when Tony and the girl got to her apartment, he had exclaimed ’ _puppers out_ ’ in a scandinavian accent. Still don’t know how he’s still alive, the girl was apparently quite pissed off about it.”

 

The atmosphere in Steve’s living room was light. Bucky was lying on the rug, still playing with Cat. Steve was sketching him with charcoal, trying to keep up with the constantly moving model. When Bucky noticed the other one drawing him, he posed and grinned. ”Draw me like one of your french girls,” he giggled. ”Do you have any alcohol? ’M sobering up.”

 

Steve knew he would probably regret it, at least when he would have to hold up his friend’s hair when he would be vomiting from drinking way too much, but he went to kitchen to open up a bottle of some cheap, strong alcohol drink and then went back to Bucky – the guy had disappeared. Steve heard some drunk-sounding giggles from his bedroom and went there, only to find Cat on Steve’s bed and Bucky going through Steve’s collection of vinyl records. ”Want to listen to something,” he muttered, putting Morrissey on. ”Ooh, alcohol.”

 

Steve didn’t know what had been the breaking point for him. He sure had drank a lot, but he wasn’t as lightheaded as his friend, lying next to him as they still listened to music. Steve was telling Bucky about his life, really hoping he wouldn’t remember much of it the next morning. He wanted Bucky to know, but he knew he was over-spilling things because of him being tipsy. He knew he was telling Bucky about things that could make the mess of a man next to him run away from Steve without even thinking about coming back, not even for a second. Steve kept talking to Bucky, and Bucky listened.

 

”My mom, you know, she was a real beauty. I have her eyes, you know. When I was a teen, she would get sick so easily, like she’d always be cold or have a fever. We were poor, my dad left when I was young and Ma did two jobs before she couldn’t work anymore. I started working at the library and some of my friends collected us some money, to get to keep the roof above our heads and stuff like that.” Bucky heard Steve’s voice crack, and scooted closer to him, letting Steve hold his hand. Steve was shaking a bit, so Bucky started stroking the back of the blonde’s hand with his thumb.

 

”She had terminal cancer. _Cancer_. I hate that word, even the bare word makes me want to hurl. It sounds so sick. She was so sick, Buck, and I couldn’t do anything. We couldn’t afford any treatments, I couldn’t afford losing her and she just left. She couldn’t take it anymore, she... she gave up. Like, I think her body kept going on but when she stopped taking the pain medications and didn’t worry about her looking awful so skinny. She was just... skin and bones, I hated it. I hate it. I miss her, you know. I keep seeing her in my dreams. Well, nightmares. When I sleep. I usually don’t even sleep, I just lay around awake and listen to music and draw. And smoke, but don’t worry, I do that only when I can’t sleep. Which is a lot, but I-”

 

Bucky didn’t know what to say, so he just hugged Steve and hushed, so that he would stop rambling. Steve cried because of everything, and Bucky held him. Bucky wasn’t really a touching kind of person, but with Steve? He wanted to touch the hell out of that man and he didn’t even know why. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... and you're welcome for giggly drunk!Bucky, sorry for the angst. But ummhgjm Stucky fluff (sort of)? Hell yes. I really need to go check on my puppy now, he's been too quiet for the past ten minutes (he's probably just eating my socks or something) so see you!!


	5. Five

”Did you have any nightmares last night?”

 

Sunlight was shining through the window in Steve’s kitchen, making the blonde hair look like it was made of gold. Steve stopped doing whatever he was doing with a spatula and a pan, and turned around, puckering his eyebrows. ”What do you mean, I don’t –”

 

”You told me yesterday about your nightmares. So did you have nightmares last night? At least you slept, were awake when I woke up at four,” Bucky yawned and stretched out his arms. Steve had told him about so much more than just his nightmares, but Bucky decided to settle with this for now. He had an awful headache and the light in Steve’s kitchen was way too bright, but he could handle it. Steve turned back to the stove, sighing.

 

”Thought you wouldn’t remember it,” he paused. ”I didn’t have any nightmares. Slept well, actually,” the blonde sounded embarrassed. He had told Bucky about everything, because he thought Bucky wouldn’t remember it. ”How much do you remember?”

 

”That’s really good, I slept good, too. And a lot,” Steve’s breath got stuck in his throat. ”Do you have any painkillers?” As Steve walked to his room, Bucky saw his sketchbook on the table. It was open, so Bucky just decided to take a look of the drawing there was on the open page. It was himself _._ He was sleeping, his hair all over his face and the pillow. He had his left arm hanging from the bed, and the other one he was using to hug himself.

 

”Sorry, I… you just looked like a good addition to my collection,” Steve stuttered, not realising what it sounded like without context. ”Oh fuck, I mean, I go to these art classes and we have to do our final works and I still really don’t know what to do, I’m just trying to sketch everything I can and figure it out before it’s too late to start the actual piece –”

 

Bucky was enthusiastic. Steve drew him because he considered including Bucky in his final artwork? ”You can do it about me, I don’t mind. Of course, only if you want to do it about me.”

 

”That would be great.” Steve’s smile was totally worth it. ”And I really don’t mind you telling me about things like that, I love getting to know you better and it makes it easier for me to understand you. I could tell you stuff about me too, if you want to.” Steve nodded as an answer and quickly went to look at his pancake, carefully flipping it. Bucky had no idea what to tell Steve, he had so many personal stories in his mind. ”Well, when I was sixteen, I decided I’d come out to my dad. It was an awful idea, but I didn’t think about that much. Like, it’s the twenty-first century, why would people still be so homophobic?” Steve looked at Bucky curiously, as he outed himself to Steve with an awful outing story from his past. Bucky seemed to realise it too, smiling and looking at his hands. ”So I… it was a family dinner, okay? My grandparents and sister and parents and even some close family friends were there. And then I just blurted out, _hey I’m gay, by the way,_ and god, the old man was so angry. Thought he’d kill me there.”

 

”How’s things now?” Steve went to get the pile of pancakes from kitchen, now completed with the last pancake. He divided the stack in two parts, lifted one part to a plate and placed it in front of Bucky.

 

”Haven’t heard from him in a few years, last time he called me he was drunk and just yelling something about me going to hell.” Bucky clapped his hands excitedly, looking at the pancakes and slathering them in strawberry jam. ”These look really good – _god these are amazing I’m in heaven,”_ he closed his eyes, chewing the delicious breakfast.

 

”I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Steve said sadly, wrapping his long arms around Bucky’s torso. He yawned, and started laughing when Bucky tried to feed him some pancakes. ”I can’t even imagine what that must have felt like, but I’m sorry you had to go through it.” Steve took a bite of his pancakes. ”Like, my first time I ever came out as bisexual was to my best friend and I tried to be dramatic but ended up just falling down the stairs,” Steve lifted his shirt a bit to show a scar to Bucky, ”and this was what I earned for trying to be so damn dramatic.” Bucky almost choked on his pancakes, the cause being a glimpse of Steve's quite muscular stomach, and they kept on with their conversations until Steve had to take Cat back to his owner.

 

 

Natasha and Steve were both sprawled on their couch, Natasha flicking through Netflix, trying to decide what to watch. She looked at Steve, who looked like he was at peace. Steve didn’t have dark bags under his eyes as if someone had punched him continuously for three days straight. His eyes were bright and he, for once, didn’t look like someone had just killed kittens in front of him. His hair was actually brushed and Steve had clean clothes on. ”You feeling good?”

 

Of course Steve was feeling good! He didn’t really like using the word crush, but his _not-_ crush had cuddled with him last night and he didn’t have any nightmares. And his not-crush was gay, so Steve had a slight chance with him. ”Feeling superb.”

 

Natasha straightened her back. Steve had something going on, something he wasn’t telling her about. She looked at him strictly, wanting to know about this something. Steve just smiled gently, not feeling like he could tell his best friend about it yet. He was afraid Bucky would abandon him. And if Steve told Natasha about Bucky, he’d just be twice as embarrassed about it as he would be now. But he couldn’t just say nothing, Natasha wouldn’t give up on it.

 

”He made my nightmares go away, okay. He held me, and I slept better than I have slept since mom.” Natasha squinted her eyes, had Steve slept with someone? Steven Rogers, who couldn’t even order pizza on the phone without almost fainting? ”We didn’t have sex. We’re just friends, like, good friends I guess. But that’s it, it’s not like I have a huge crush on him, it’s just a little cru – I mean, I don’t even like him, but he makes me feel safe and I’m crushing – no I’m not, please interrupt me so I won’t spill all the tea, like I like him as a person! His personality is so amazing, like this one time I was getting really anxious and he just decided to help me and he quit his work shift earlier than he was supposed to just to help me and this one time he took out the trash because I couldn’t get out of the bed because I was scared that someone would murder me and he just like does stuff for me and I do stuff for him? Like I’ve crossed the lines of my comfort zone for so many times for him and I don’t even know why and we’ve known for such a short time and I don’t know why I have told him so much about myself and I have no idea why he even likes me, but he doesn’t – doesn’t like me and I –”

 

”That’s all I needed, thanks babe. I’m going shopping, you want to join me? I have to buy a dress for my mom’s birthday party. You’re invited too, and you _need_ new clothes. All you seem to wear is that yellow shirt.” Natasha was feeling happy for her best friend, he was finally letting his walls down. Steve thought he was happy with four thirty feet tall walls built up around him, but Natasha knew he would be happier if he let them down and tried to do something for himself and for someone else, even once.

 

”Fine, but only if we go get some food, too.”

 

The mall nearby was crowded with people. Some new book had just been published and there was a n interview for the author in a book store, being a super magnet for people. Natasha and Steve, tried to avoid the people and just went straight to find clothes for both of them.

 

”This looks pretty amazing,” Steve showed Natasha a glitter-covered, bright pink top. It was ugly as hell, and Nat just laughed at it. It was their thing, they would show each others the ugliest clothes they could find and then claim it would be the perfect piece of clothing. ”That would make me look like a fucking disco ball, what about this?” The next piece was a shiny golden shirt with a neck line going down to Steve’s belly button. ”Looks amazing to me, honestly.”

 

When they really tried to find something they could actually wear, they were quite successful. Natasha found a pretty good dress for her, a bright red vintage-like dress, and wanted Steve to try out a similar one. It wasn’t hard to convince Steve to do it, since he was usually up for anything unless it could get him killed. ”Okay, this is going to be a lot of fun!”

 

Steve looked at himself from the mirror. The dress was quite tight fitting from the top, and it went down to his knees. He tied up the string on his waist into a bow and got out from the fitting room, posing for his best friend. ”You’re amazing, babe,” Nat whistled. ”You should totally get that, it makes your ass look good.” Natasha was a lesbian, but she knew how to cheer Steve up – he loved getting compliments.

 

”Looking good,” Steve heard from somewhere, his eyes immediately trying to find the person talking. Bucky’s voice was easy to recognize and he was a bit embarrassed – he was in a bright red dress, after all.

 

Bucky had been waiting for this book release for a really long time. He waited in the line for half an hour to get it signed, and once he did, he decided to go buy socks. He didn’t have any complete pairs, he was certain his washing machine was eating his socks. He could throw six socks into the machine and only two or three would survive it. What he did not expect to find apart from the socks and clothes, was his friend Steve with a rather good looking redhead. She was whistling at him, and Bucky finally realised Steve was wearing a dress. And he was looking _really good._ Bucky walked up to those two, a bit jealous of the redhead.

 

”Hey Buck!” Steve greeted the long-haired man with a tight hug, laughing. ”This is my roommate slash best friend, Natal–,” there was a sharp slap on his arm, ”Natasha. Nat, this is Bucky.”

 

Nat gave Bucky a rather wicked smile, figuring out Bucky could actually be the person who Steve was rambling about earlier. ”Hey, Steve’s told me a lot about you.” A really quick way to earn a slap and to get two people blushing! ”What do you think, should he get the dress?”

 

”Yeah, he should,” Bucky kept his eyes on Steve, swallowing rather loudly, who did the same with Bucky. ”You should get it. Looks good.”

 

–

 

”What do you think about love?”

 

Bucky and Steve had decided to go out for coffee. _Coffee_ being a couple of soft drinks in a nearby bar, just enough to get them tipsy. Steve hated getting wasted, he hated the feeling of alcohol making everything just start doing cartwheels in his brain. Bucky, on the other hand, enjoyed being drunk occasionally. He didn’t drink _that_ much, this was the second time in five years that he’d drink two nights in a row.

 

The grass underneath Steve and Bucky was wet, but they were still laying down on it, both staring at the sky. Bucky wasn’t yet used to Steve’s questions – he would sometimes send Bucky the most weird, and the cutest, text messages about how the universe would be a better place or how something would be more fun. He would tell Bucky about his insights, and at the same time, let Bucky get to know him better. Bucky knew Steve hated wars. He knew Steve would rather have cube-shaped eggs than egg-shaped eggs. Bucky knew Steve preferred ketchup over mustard on his hot dog.

 

Steve loved talking to Bucky about everything. He could just open his mouth and let the first thing in his mind come out, and they could just like that fire up a conversation. He loved to find out more and more about James Barnes. He wanted to know everything. He hadn’t been so scared in _years,_ but he had never been so sure before, that it was all worth it. Maybe he was finally able to even lower down one of the walls around him.

 

”I think that love is one of the most complicated things in the world,” the brunette tried to catch a shooting star with his eyes. ”It’s so quick and easy, and at the same time it takes an eternity and makes you miserable.”

 

”Do you think love is only corporeal? Like does it move around in your brain and body as chemicals without anything spiritual, or do you think love _is_ spiritual and the chemicals aren't a part of the thing?” Steve was asking hard questions, but Bucky loved answering them. Bucky looked over at Steve. The moon was lighting his face up just perfectly for his short eyelashes to create long shadows onto his face.

 

”I think it’s both. It would be weird if I loved something just because of my body making chemicals because of that thing. I’d like to believe that the universe has something to do with it, too. Like you know, soulmates and stuff.” Bucky chuckled casually. ”Hell, it would be such a cool thing to have a soulmate. Do you believe in soulmates?”

 

”I don’t know if I want to, but kind of yes. Have you ever heard of the theory about people being born with two heads and two sets of limbs? And because of it being too powerful, they were all split in two. According to that, there would be someone out there, waiting for me to complete them.”

 

”Yeah, I’ve heard about it. What do you think, could that be possible? And you didn’t even answer to your first question yourself, the one about love.”

 

”I have no idea. But the idea of it being true, someone waiting for _me_ is making me terrified.” Steve hesitated. ”And love is nice, I suppose. I’m just _scared_ of it. I’m scared of loving and being loved, how fucking pathetic.” And Bucky thought it wasn’t pathetic at all, voicing his thoughts to Steve after a few minutes of silence, the only distant sounds being birds and a couple of cars passing by.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hEy you all!! I've finally finished the drafts for every chapter of this story and I'm! So! Excited! And because I'm such a perfectionist (nothing's good enough for me yay) I'll probably rewrite them for a hundred times, but I have the whole thing planned out!!! I'm on a vacation and I still don't have any studying to do for a month or so, so I'll be (hopefully) able to finish this one before I have to continue studying! But anyways I've been drawing the whole day and my hand hurts sm )--: I haven't talked to anyone today I love being so anxious!! but I'll stop complaining now and go feed my puppy bye (give me love while I'm sleeping pls)


	6. Six

_”That’s a stupid idea. How are we even going to do that? By murdering people?”_

 

Steve was sorting returned books out at the library. It had been a quite busy shift, since it was Monday afternoon. People seemed to need more help than usually, asking Steve to help them loan books or just find a particular book. Not that Steve minded it, but he had slept for twenty minutes in the last twenty-four hours before his morning shift and he felt like actual death. Bucky arriving to annoy him was a bit too much, but still managed to cheer him up. He knew Bucky had been working too, but he had probably used his  break to bring Steve an extra large cup of coffee – or so Steve thought.

 

In reality, Bucky had started his shift an hour earlier just to get off work nearly the same time as Steve. When Bucky found Steve from the library, he went straight to hug him. What made Bucky sad was the reek of cigarettes and a visible outline of a cigarette packet from inside Steve’s pocket. Steve had used a bit too dark concealer to hide the bags under his eyes

 

”So we’re going?”

 

Steve had been feeling down for a few days. Opening up his heart to people, especially someone who he had not known for more than a month, was exhausting. He felt exposed, his cover was blown up and there was not as many places to hide as there used to be. He felt like he was in a war and he had just given up his team’s hiding places to the enemy. His enemy wasn’t anything life-threatening; it was himself and the fact he made people his enemies in a way. But there was no chance Steve was going to miss this one thing Bucky had planned.

 

”Of course we’re going, I’ll be free in ten minutes. Now, stop bugging me.”

 

Bucky gave Steve an apologic smile and went to find something to read. He kept an eye on Steve, who kept sorting out the books, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips turned into a small frown.

 

 

”Okay, so, we’ll just fill them with paint and throw them at people? No way.” Steve grinned at Bucky, who was filling a condom with cheap paint. ”Is that even safe? Like, what it hits someone who’s looking up with their mouth open. Or what if someone is going to a job interview and we ruin it for them. We’re not doing it, Buck.”

 

”Chill out Steve, it’s not waterproof and we can throw some cleaning wipes at them afterwards,” Bucky looked at Steve so mischievously, and Steve really wanted to do it. ”Or then we can fill them with water, that’s alright too. Won’t be as colorful as it was meant to be.”

 

Steve did not know _making_ _a lot of_ _people become a painting_ meant throwing goddamn condoms and paint at innocent people from a really tall building’s roof. Of course, he knew it wasn’t anything innocent, knowing Bucky was the one who planned this. Bucky was like a small child in a grown man’s body, Steve was sure.

 

”I’m quite sure you never graduated kindergarten.”

 

”Never went to kindergarten, my mom took care of me until I was seven and started school. Now, fill your condoms! With water, ’course.” Steve blushed, thinking of other ways how to fill condoms. He took one and worked it on his arm.

 

”You know how some people are like _my dick is too big for a condom I can’t wear one,”_ Steve stuck out his middle finger.

 

”But now we have proof that your arm can fit one, what if someone has a dick bigger than your arm?” Steve thought about it, thinking about some really dirty things. ” _Don’t_ say it.”

 

Steve huffed and took out a water bottle from Bucky’s bag. ”Wait, it we were going to throw paint, why do you have,” Steve counted the bottles. ”Seven huge water bottles in your bag?”

 

” _You_ are the reason, you’re so predictable about stuff like this! Knew you wouldn’t want to throw paint at people. Just wanted you to get all worked out for it, it was fun to look at.”

 

The blonde glared at his friend, filling up a condom. ”You little shit.” Bucky had maybe one second to realise what was going to happen, and then he had a condom-ful of water on his hair and shirt. ”Hey, it works! Had to try it out.”

 

Bucky took off his now wet shirt and dried his face with it. Steve was really, really trying not to stare. Bucky looked like one of those overly good looking models you see on fashion commercials. His long hair was sticking to his shoulders and it was dripping water onto his face and body. The water on Bucky’s upper body made him seem like he was actually glowing in the beaming sunlight. He was beautiful, and Steve tried not to stare. It must have looked quite weird, they two standing on top of one tall building, Bucky without a shirt on and water-filled condoms ready to be thrown. ”You can take a picture,” Bucky laughed, knowing saying that was a huge cliche.

 

Steve just shook his head and sighed, taking his custom made water balloon from his feet. ”You ready?”

 

”Please let me not be the target this time,” Bucky joked, taking one too. ”Ready, captain!”

 

Turned out, that people were not the happiest, when condoms filled with water hit them from the sky. The two guys were actually very lucky no one climbed up there or called the police because of them causing some trouble. Both of them, Steve and Bucky, were happy. They smiled at each other and Bucky kept making funny faces Steve drew quickly. Soon he had two papers filled with small faces, all different expressions.

 

”So, how’s your love life?” Bucky asked, after staring at the sky for half an hour without doing anything else. They had run out of condoms and water, so now they had only cheap paint left and they sure as hell wouldn’t do anything destructive with it. Steve’s hand started to ache, and then they just were quiet, laying down.

 

Bucky noticed the blonde tensing up a bit, his shoulders now bent a bit forward and the veins on his arms popping out more than usually. ”Not that great, haven’t met anyone yet. It’s hard to meet people when the first thing you say to everyone new has something to do with anything gross or annoying or stupid, or like – like, anything that makes people not want to talk to you.” Steve smiled sadly. ”I just keep yelling at myself when I open my mouth and when I’m anxious I just blurt out anything, and then I just want to curl up into a ball and go hide in a corner.”

 

”Don’t hide, and hey, you didn’t scare me away!” Bucky exclaimed, poking Steve’s cheek. ”And I do think bird poop and how it always ends up in your hair is kind of interesting.”

 

Steve grimaced at himself, groaning in embarrassment. When he and Bucky had talked for the second – or third time, he wasn’t sure, Steve had started talking about _bird shit._ He had whined about birds hating him and actually aiming at him when they took a shit. But it had made Bucky laugh, and Steve hadn’t felt so bad about it. Bucky didn’t seem to let go of it, though. They were laying, side to side, watching the sky. Steve loved watching the clouds, and Bucky told Steve the names of all the different cloud types he knew. Bucky had read a book about them just for Steve.

 

Suddenly Steve got up. ”What time is it?” Bucky told him it was three. ”I’m late from art, I really have to go. Thanks for the cheer up, was nice to make people wet,” Steve winked his eye to Bucky and gathered up his stuff. He looked at Bucky straight in the eyes. ”I’ll see you around, yeah?”

 

”Yeah, have fun,” Bucky said smiling, drowning in his friend’s eyes. He didn’t want Steve to go. He wanted to grab Steve by the neck and pull him into a kiss. Those baby blue eyes that made Steve look so kind also made Bucky’s legs weak.

 

That’s how Bucky realised he actually _liked_ Steve.

 

The sun was shining straight to Steve’s eyes. He had tripped twice on his way, he didn’t have his favorite pencil and he had lost his assigned seat to someone because he was late. Usually Steve would have been pissed about stuff like this. This time it was kind of Bucky’s fault he was late, and he didn’t mind it at all. He would sit on the bench placed on a crooked spot and he would draw with his second-favorite or even third-favorite pencil, and he would stand the goddamn sun. For Bucky, he would. And that is what he did. Instead of drawing the male model sitting in front of them, he started sketching Bucky in the same position. He closed his eyes once in a while, remembering what Bucky’s muscles looked like, trying to trace the muscles over the image in his mind. It was hard, but Steve had done it for his whole life. The whole two hours were spent on it, and instead of imagining some things Steve drew Bucky in some underwear.

 

After the class Steve went home, stopping at the grocery store to get some ice cream first. He needed his comfort food before having to go to Natasha’s mother’s birthday party. His best friend’s mom was extremely homophobic and Nat had never felt safe enough to come out to her mother. Natasha’s ’you’re invited too’ actually meant ’you’re invited as my fake boyfriend because it’s been four years since I took the last fake boyfriend to see my mom’ and Steve was fine with it. Nat would have done it for him too.

 

Steve’s phone went off, letting him know someone missed him. He was laying down on the couch, his feet thrown over the back of the couch and his head hanging down from the seat part. He was eating ice cream and watching _Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt_ , trying not to laugh since it would probably end up to him choking on the strawberry ice cream.

 

’ _What are you doing? xx.’_ Steve’s heart broke a little with the kisses Bucky sent him, even though he had sent them to him for a long time, every time Bucky texted him. Steve replied to him with a selfie of him, turning his laptop screen so it fit into the picture too. ’ _Lucky you, I’m stuck with Tony. He’s dragging me around Brooklyn, wants to buy a new car. Hgngnhgnghngnnhh. xx'_ Steve almost felt sorry for Bucky, but he knew Bucky would probably have just been reading until he went to sleep if he didn’t go outside. _’it’s good for u, i have to get social tonight and be nat’s boyfriend. pls save me.’_

 

Bucky didn’t have time to save Steve before Natasha rushed into the living room, wanting Steve to zip her up. ”Okay, so we have approximately one hour to get there and it takes fifty minutes to get there if there is traffic, and there probably is, so we’ll be late if you don’t get off of your ass and stop eating the fucking ice cream and get into your tux. And I will murder you, painfully, if we are late.” She looked dead serious, causing Steve to almost run and hide under his bed. He knew how intimidating Nat’s mom could be, so he just obeyed and went to dress up. His slightly too long hair was a huge mess, but he managed to brush through it and used some hair wax to style it. Nat helped him to cover up his eye bags quickly and Steve grabbed his sketch pad and some pencils into Nat’s bag.

 

Natasha was wearing the bright red dress she had bought before and she gave Steve a bright red tie, immediately remembering Steve’s skills in tying ties. Instead of letting Steve do it and be late, she did it in such a short time it left Steve speechless and then they were on their way to the birthday party.

 

 

People were chattering all around the club. Tony had promised Bucky they wouldn’t get drunk, but there they were, sitting at the bar. ”Just some water, please,” Bucky ordered, glaring at Tony the whole time. ”Why the hell are we here? You do know I absolutely hate clubs. Quiet pubs are okay, but clubs with sweaty dancing and loud people? _Fuck no.”_ Tony looked like he was a tiny bit sorry for the whole thing, dragging Bucky into a club again.

 

”You need to get laid, that’s why. You haven’t had sex in like what, two months now? You need to have sex, my friend.” Bucky groaned, letting his head fall into his hands that were on the counter. ”Every time I point at someone you decide you need to get to know them first, but that’s not how life works! You are handsome as hell, you could just summon some hot guy here by just looking at them.”

 

”But I don’t want to! I’m more of a three dates before sex -kind of a guy. You know that.”

 

”What about one good date and then sex after it? I could arrange that,” Tony looked serious. Bucky couldn’t believe his friend was trying to set him up with someone, most likely handsome but stupid or annoying, just so he could have sex. ”I mean, you could make him pay for food and then take him back to your place, and you know… I have no idea how gay sex works, but I trust that you know. And then you’ll probably make him breakfast and then throw him out since you’re so nice, if he doesn’t sneak out while you’re sleeping.”

 

”Tony, I said I don’t want to. You know I like Steve and I don’t want to just fuck around with people.”

 

”But do you really believe Steve likes you? I mean, I’m sure he does, but you’re too much of a coward to even tell him you like him and he’ll probably meet someone else and then fuck them and then get married and you’ll regret you didn’t fuck around because of him. He’s just a guy, James, not some god.” Bucky sighed, the words sinking in. He sipped his water and then slammed his fist into the table.

 

”Goddamnit, Anthony,” he knew he would regret it, ”I’ll do it. Set me up a date, I can handle it.” He scanned the club with his eyes. ”But with someone who I would actually have chances with, I still don’t want to fuck around. I want Steve and I kind of want to get over him, he’ll never like me anyways. Just like you said.”

 

”Good! Okay, here’s the candidates –”

 

”Wait, you knew I would somehow agree to this –”

 

”Yes, this is the first one. Peter, twenty-nine years old, he’s old but he’s rich and looks good –”

 

”Nope.”

 

”How about this one, Sam! He has a pet bird – no, you’re scared of them. How about Clint? He’s nice.” Bucky looked at the picture, wanting it to be a picture of Steve. He had a bad feeling in his stomach, but he still agreed. ”It’s a date!”

 

 

Birthday cake and frosting on the wall. Red paint on the floor. Broken plates being gathered up by what was left of them all. Steve was hiding behind the couch, too afraid to move. He heard Natasha and her mom yelling at each other in russian, while he was busy catching his breath and not getting an anxiety attack.

 

The party had started like a normal party. It was nice, people were small-talking around the house and there was old people sitting on the front porch, talking about death and disease. Nat and Steve went in holding hands, and there was suddenly eight relatives wanting to take pictures and wanting to be invited to the wedding. Nothing unusual about that. Nat’s mom was there, she gave Steve a hug and Nat a kiss on her cheek. After a hour Steve finally sneaked to a bathroom to take the first round of his anxiety pills. He looked at his phone; no new messages from Bucky. Steve had sent the last text and he really didn’t want to double text. When he finally got back to the party, people were telling stories about Nat’s mom. Most of them included alcohol and motorcycles for some reason.

 

After storytelling, it was time to eat. Steve hadn’t seen so much food since this one Christmas six years ago, and it was a lot. He took some food on his plate, kissed Nat on her forehead and went outside. He took out a pack of cigarettes, picked one and lighted it up. He knew he should stop smoking. It was unhealthy and Bucky didn’t like it. His mom hadn’t liked it, and Steve had actually quit for a year and started again after his mom died. He chainsmoked at least four cigarettes before Natasha joined him, asking for one. ”I’m so tired of this party, it’s so lame. Usually we have good old fights and won’t even get to eat the cake. It’s usually one of those really bad tasting one’s at the bakery down the street just because it’s usually thrown at someone before anyone has a chance to eat it.”

 

”Sounds harsh. When can we leave? I was in the middle of eating ice cream and watching Netlix.”

 

”Right after mom has opened our present, I promise. She’s totally buying this, by the way. Still has no idea her daughter is a lesbian!”

 

” _What?”_

 

And that’s how no one got to eat the cake.

 

Steve finally managed to get out of the house and started walking away. He waved at a cab and went straight home, feeling like he would start crying at any minute. Once he finally got home, he started crying and went to the bathroom to draw a bubble bath. He put on some sad music and finally got into his bath. Steve cried. He was exhausted from the social event, and he was exhausted because of all the yelling. He had been dragged back into the house with a cigarette in his hand and Natasha and her mom just yelled at each other in russian with Steve just next to them. It was awful.

 

He finally got a text from Bucky, offering his company and some food. Steve didn’t know if he wanted to see anyone.

 

’ _im not feeling well, maybe some other time.’_

 

In a minute Bucky was calling him, and he didn’t know if he should answer. If he didn’t answer, Bucky would get worried and Steve didn’t want that. If he did answer, he would have to tell Bucky about the party. He answered.

 

”Hey,” Bucky’s voice was raspy and deep. ”Are you okay?” Steve almost dropped his phone to the water.

 

”Yeah, I’m taking a bubble bath with Vincent,” Steve grinned at his rubber duck, ”and I’m just really exhausted. And anxious. And I hate the whole world.”

 

”Do you want me to come over and bring cookies? We can cuddle and watch Friends.” It did sound good to Steve, he really needed the cuddles.

 

”Yeah, come over. You know where the spare key is, I don’t want to get up yet. Water’s still hot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (((I'M SORRY FOR BUCKY'S DATE IT'S IMPORTANT TRY TO SURVIVE PLS)))  
> hEy I'm sorry, I've been at my parents' and my siblings have kept me really busy for the last few days. But anyways! DO you have any suggestions or like some other Marvel characters you'd like to be in the story or do you want fluff or dsiafnc idk? I'm open for suggestions, there's still some really open things about the story and idk what to do but I'll figure it out!!
> 
> anyways if you ever feel like talking or need support or anything my tumblr is somnambulistbucky and I'm always up for a good conversation! <3


	7. Seven

Opening the window in the bathroom, Steve climbed back into the tub and lighted up a cigarette. He knew it was something he shouldn’t do, and he had promised himself he would keep smoking as a habit for when he can’t sleep at night. It wasn’t exactly night and he actually felt like he could have fallen asleep right there. A light breeze almost blew out his vanilla and cinnamon scented candles and he chuckled. He felt like he was in a movie, in a bubble bath with almost all the bubbles gone, smoking and taking sips of his red wine. He was listening to Lana Del Rey, his guilty plesure artist, singing along quietly.

 

Steve was happy Bucky was coming over. Natasha still hadn’t come home and he was starting to get worried about her, but not too worried. Natasha Romanoff was a strong person and Steve knew she could handle the situation on her own – she might even get mad at Steve if he treated her as if she couldn’t do it, it made her feel weak. She accepted help when she needed it, but didn’t want to feel helpless. She might have even just stayed at a motel just to clear her head, or then she was getting drunk and would sleep at someone else’s place – she would probably text Steve about it later. However, Steve didn’t even think about calling her and asking how she was. She’d call or text Steve if she wanted to talk about it.

 

Hearing someone at the door, struggling to open it, Steve stubbed out his cigarette in a small, pink ashtray he had bought just for this purpose (he managed to have a classic glass jar on the balcony) and quickly showered to get the rest of the soap off of his body. He then turned around – remembering he hadn’t brought a towel and the only thing even close to clothes was Nat’s silky dressing gown with flower patterns on it. Steve groaned and then put it on, just as Bucky let him know he was there.

 

”Hey, how are – that’s pretty,” Bucky said, Steve not knowing if it was sarcastic or not, and grinned at Steve, who leaned against the wall and chuckled. His hair was still dripping water and he had the cutest blush over his face. ”How are you?” Bucky managed to ask his original question. ”How was the big party?”

 

Steve groaned in annoyance. ”That bad, huh? You’re lucky I love you, ’cause I brought chinese food. Kung Pao chicken, dumblings, Pad Thai and of course your spring rolls, don’t worry,” Bucky pointed at the paper bag on the table and looked how Steve’s face lighted up as he sprinted to the bag. ”I also brought you my chocolate chip cookies! Baked them earlier today and I know how much you love them, so…”

 

After getting dressed and getting food on a plate, Steve and Bucky sat down to couch and Bucky put on Friends from where they had been last time. ”Do you feel like talking about it?” Steve realised he had only greeted Bucky, but had not said anything else to him.

 

”Sure, yeah,” Steve licked his fingers after eating a spring roll and getting some stuffing on his fingers. ”We were at the party and, well. Imagine a house full of your fake girlfriend’s relatives wanting to know when your wedding will be and what you want for a wedding present. Anyways, I got tired of it and went outside and Nat joined me,” he grimaced at the thought of the yelling, ”and then she said something about her mom still not knowing she’s a lesbian and her mom was actually behind us and we hadn’t realised she was there. It wasn’t pretty, I hate it when people yell at me or around me. They just dragged me inside and got into their fight with me next to them. I hid behind the couch and then just… ran away when I had a chance. I didn’t even get any cake, Nat threw it at her mom.”

 

”Sounds… delightful.” Bucky ran his fingers through Steve’s hair as he ate his food. ”Is she alright? Nat, I mean.” Steve told Bucky how Nat still hadn’t come home and they kept on watching Friends, Bucky’s arm around Steve. The blonde felt Bucky tensing up, as if he had something in his mind that made him anxious or stressed out. ”… I have a date tomorrow, can you help me pick some clothes? Y – you have a better taste than me.” It felt like someone had just punched all of the air out of Steve’s lungs, cut off his arms and left him there to die. His hands felt cold, he couldn’t feel his fingers and they tingled a bit when he tried to open up his fist. He felt his chest starting to burn and tighten, his heart was about to jump out of his chest. He was sweating, and he felt his breathing getting more shallow. He knew he was about to have an anxiety attack, but he couldn’t have one there. Not when Bucky was with him, not after what he said – the thing Bucky said, it made Steve more anxious than he had been the whole week.

 

_And that’s when Steve understood his feelings and realised he liked Bucky._

 

Steve agreed to Bucky’s suggestion, even though it was the last thing he wanted to do, and cuddled deeper into Bucky’s side, staying quiet for a few minutes and desperately trying not to think about anything else than Monica yelling in her kitchen. He didn’t succeed. Steve knew he felt something for Bucky – friendly, platonic love, as he had thought. He never realised the reason why he didn’t always feel like pushing Bucky away, orIt why he let Bucky touch him and hug him and play with his hair could be something like this. He never actually thought he would like-like anyone. He wanted to stay there, Bucky’s arm around his shoulders and their legs intertwined. He didn’t want to get up, he didn’t want to help Bucky get ready for his date. He didn’t want Bucky to even go to that date. _Feeling this way sure as hell isn’t platonic,_ Steve thought and chuckled, hoping Bucky thought it was because of Friends. He wanted to tell Bucky. He had never before wanted to talk about his feelings with anyone as much as he now wanted to tell Bucky. He even tried, he tried to open up his mouth and push out the words – but nothing came out. Steve actually wished Bucky could read his mind and tried to telepatically tell Bucky about his feelings. Steve hated himself more and more every minute that went by without him trying to catch Bucky before he would fall away from his grasp.

 

Bucky listened to Steve chuckling, as a funny scene was on. He was holding Steve tightly, sad and disappointed but not surprised that Steve hadn’t asked him not to go on the date. He didn’t want to go, and he cursed himself for being so anxious about it – he had asked his crush to help him get ready for his date. With another person. Bucky knew he liked Steve, he had known it for a while. As if there had been a quiet voice in the back of Bucky’s head for a long time, trying to get Bucky to realise it. After a hour and three episodes of Friends later, Bucky realised something. He realised Steve wouldn’t tell him about his feelings if he had them. Steve was so scared of everything like this, and he wouldn’t say anything about them even for Bucky. So Bucky decided he would stand one date with someone else, and then he would ask Steve out. If he had the guts to do it then, right now even the thought of it made Bucky’s legs weak and his throat felt tight.

 

 

Fucking up things didn’t hurt that much always. Like, fucking up things can be something like burning your food or your mouth when your coffee is way too hot but you are just too impatient to wait for it to cool down. You can accidentally say something stupid, but you can always apologize and realise what you have said and then tell someone why it was a stupid thing to do. There is a lot of things you can fuck up without it being a permanent thing, but being too tied up to your fear and the feeling of never being enough and causing something bad with that? That was something Steve considered to be a major fuck up. And that was exactly what he had done, he hadn’t told Bucky about his feelings. He had been so far up in clouds, his subconscious trying to keep himself from being hurt. And it was all his fault, he couldn’t shake the feeling of emptiness away. Steve wanted to blame his issues, he wanted to blame some bigger force for making him do that, he wanted to blame anything but himself. In the end, it really was himself who was the only one who could have stepped up and ended the whole _I kind of like James Buchanan Barnes but I claim to be too scared of my feelings and so I’ve never told him about it and now he’s going on a date with someone else than me and I hate myself even though I can’t say anything about it anymore and –_

 

”So, how do I look?” _Like someone who is supposed to date me, not some random douchebag_ _that Tony wants you to fuck_ _, Bucky,_ Steve thought, forcing a smile. ”You look great, my friend,” he tried not to sound annoyed. Bucky looked great, fantastic actually. He was wearing a tight, black shirt and black jeans. He had a jean jacket thrown over his shoulder and he had slicked his hair back. Steve was a selfless man, but at times like this? Steve wanted to go up to Bucky and just kiss him, he didn’t want Bucky to go. On a date, with another man. Steve knew he was being irrationally selfish – he had always told Bucky how he was so scared of feelings and all that stuff that felt like absolute bullshit, now that there was a chance Bucky maybe wouldn’t be his anymore. Or soon at least.

 

When Bucky left for his date, Steve broke down and cried for hours. He crawled to his bedroom and climbed to his bed. He hated being so shy and unabled to confront his own feelings. He hated how he could possibly be losing Bucky at the same time he was just lying down in his bed, not going after Bucky. But Bucky deserved to be happy, and if he was happy with someone else, that was a sacrifice Steve decided he would have to do and he would have to tolerate it. He heard his phone going off, but he didn’t really feel like interacting with anyone at that point. Someone was seriously trying to catch his attention, since they called him three times. At the fourth time Steve considered answered – it was Nat, a very drunk Nat, telling him he had hooked up with a nice girl and wouldn’t come home. Steve was alone and running out of cigarettes.

 

\--

 

”You must be James?”

 

Bucky looked up from his phone, forcing a smile on his lips. The person in front of him was his date, who he had seen only in pictures before. Clint Barton was nice-looking, but he wasn’t exactly Bucky’s type. _Your type is Steven_ _Grant_ _Rogers, you twat,_ Bucky thought and chuckled. ”Yes, and you must be Clint?”

 

”Tony did show me some pictures of you, but I must admit, the pictures did not bring out how stunning you really are.” That was something Bucky wanted Steve to tell him, not someone who he had met less than a minute ago. Bucky still thanked Clint and they took off to the restaurant.

 

Halfway through the night Bucky had counted fifteen mistakes Clint had made. Three worst being that he took Bucky’s food without asking first, he touched Bucky’s hair without permission and he got absolutely wasted and then tried to kiss Bucky – and it wasn’t even midnight yet. Bucky had talked about writing and reading, and Clint had talked about – _god,_ Bucky didn’t even remember what his date had talked about. ”Nope, this won’t work out,” Bucky muttered and stood up, drinking what was left of his whiskey. ”I’m sorry Clint, but this won’t work out, not right now at least. I hope you have a nice night.”

 

When Bucky was outside of the restaurant, he sat down to the side of the street and let his head fall down to his hands. He went on a date which he had wanted to call off fifteen minutes after they had been arranged. He had hoped the guy would be at least tolerable. He would have been tolerable if Bucky was just as drunk as he was, and if Bucky could have thought about something else than Steven Rogers.

 

Suddenly, someone kicked Bucky’s back lightly. ”What the fuck?” He turned around and saw Clint, stumbling back up since he had fallen down from kicking Bucky. He sure as hell would have a bruised back the next morning, he was prone to getting easily bruised. ”What the actual fuck are you doing?” Bucky stood up, walking a few steps further away from Clint.

 

”Tony told me you give ass, and all you fucking did on the date was talk about some stupid goddamn books and that Stewart –”

 

”Steve.”

 

”Yeah, whatever, I don’t care. But his drawings and how you lo-ove him,” Clint spat and looked furious. Bucky was actually scared, and he was certain he would never go on a date again. At least not with anyone who Tony knows. ”And I’m mad at you, I wanted to have a nice sex date and you ruined it by walking away because ’m drunk! So what if I’m drunk!” Clint kicked Bucky again, this time attempting to hit his ribs. He slipped on the wet ground, his kick probably not as hard as it was supposed to be and he only managed to barely touch Bucky’s thigh. Bucky was so going to kill Tony.

 

”Yeah, well, I’m walking away again. Hope you have a shitty night.” Bucky had waved his hand at a cab and now it had finally stopped. Bucky quickly climbed in and shut his eyes, trying to block out Clint slurring outside, still on the ground.

 

”Where to,” the cab driver asked and Bucky thought about it. Home, he needed to go home and be alone. Bucky wanted to get away from everyone, humiliated by Clint’s actions. He was silent for the whole journey, and once he got home, he let out a laugh. Why would he even go on a date in the first place? He already knew he didn’t want anyone expect Steve and still he went on a date with someone else! As if the universe was trying to say something, of course that someone else was a douchebag and actually kicked Bucky twice. His back was aching a bit, but not too much. Bucky sent Tony a text message, telling him to fuck off with his violent friends and not try to get him a date anymore. Tony replied almost immediately, asking what had happened. Bucky told him and got out of his kind of formal clothing, putting on some workout pants and an overly big hoodie. He needed cookies and he was out of butter and sugar, since he had used the last bits of them to bake cookies for Steve.

 

 _Steve._ He hadn’t let Steve know he was alright and home. It could wait, his phone had died on the way home and it was in his room, charging. Bucky made sure he had money and his keys as he stepped out, pulling the hood over his head. It was already starting to get colder, seeing as it was way past summer. Some days it was still quite warm at noon, but it usually cooled down in the evening. The brunette made his way quickly to a nearby shop that was open twenty-four slash seven. It was quite dark and his back was still hurting a bit from earlier. His eyes were probably slightly bloodshot from crying in the cab and his hair as messy as it could be, but he didn’t care at all. He just wished he wouldn’t see anyone who he knows. When he was done with getting his groceries, he let out a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding in. He had survived without seeing anyone!

 

 _Wrong._ At the checkout, there was his favorite person with many bars of chocolate. ”And hm… three packets of Marlboro Red, please,” Bucky heard his wavering voice, sounding as if he had been crying for hours at least. Bucky rushed to the checkout, pushing his stuff to the line, telling the worker they all were on him. He knew Steve had a tight money situation. ”Bucky?” Steve turned to look at him, looking absolutely heartbroken and fragile.

 

”Sweetheart, are you alright?” Bucky gave Steve a one-sided hug and paid for their stuff, packing his things to his backbag. Steve didn’t answer, but his silence was kind of an answer on its own. Steve felt butterflies storming inside his stomach because of the pet name, it rolled so sweetly off of Bucky’s tongue. ”I was going to bake cookies. Blueberry cookies this time, with white chocolate chips. Do you want to come and help me?” It was Bucky’s way of telling Steve he wasn’t alone, and Bucky would keep him company if he wanted so. Bucky himself didn’t want to be alone, so he hoped Steve would come with him. Tony was somewhere with Pepper, and Bucky didn’t really feel like hanging out with anyone else than Tony or Steve.

 

”How was your date?” Steve walked with Bucky, not taking the street to his place – Bucky was pleased. Steve sounded annoyed at something, as he lighted up a cigarette and talked. ”You look like you’ve had really rough sex, so I assume it was great.”

 

Bucky grimaced at the thought of having sex with Clint. ”Not exactly great.”

 

”What then?”

 

”It was more like,” Bucky paused for a second, ”I never want to see that guy again, ever ever again and I – I don’t even know, I’m a mess right now. It was just – awful.” He didn’t want to tell about the whole thing to Steve, not yet at least. ”Let’s go bake some cookies, alright?”

 

Steve squinted his eyes at Bucky, but he let it go. Steve knew Bucky would tell him about it when and if he wanted to talk about it. ”Alright. Your cookies are amazing, you could be my personal cookie baker,” Steve joked in attempt to clear up the tension and angst. It worked, seeing as when the men got to Bucky’s place, they were both laughing loudly at the one time they had had a paint fight because Steve didn’t want to stop painting Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! sorry it took a couple of days and sorry this chapter is a mess, but it's been so hot here where I live (30-33 celsius degrees when it's usually not more than around 17-22 degrees in the summer) and I've been having awful headaches because of the heat. But hey!! Do you want me to write a one shot about the scene that Bucky and Steve were laughing at the end of the chapter? I have it pretty nicely imagined in my mind, it would be very fluffy. I'll let you know when I've written it (when I have time to write it, next week will be really busy for me god I'm so tired)
> 
> and pls come keep me company if you have a tumblr (mine's somnambulistbucky.tumblr.com ) or something I'm lonely bc all of my friend's are on a vacation abroad and I'm on a vacation (finally) and I'm starting school again in like? two or three weeks
> 
> love you all <3


	8. Eight

Steve's week was strangely lifeless.

 

”God, Steven, get yourself together.”

 

Natasha threw a pillow at Steve’s head, earning a glare from the blonde. They were both sitting on Steve’s bed, Steve curled up in a ball next to the wall and Nat sitting a few feet away from him, a cup of coffee in her hand offered toward Steve. Steve gratefully took the coffee and shot a questioning look at his friend, frowning. ”You _know_ what I mean. You have left that spot on your bed only to go to the toilet, fridge or to smoke a cigarette. More like chainsmoking, though. And for two god damn days? Get yourself together. I mean it, your matress has found a new shape because of you so it has a really nice hole where you can suffer in silence. But you’re not supposed to just lie there, you have to do stuff or you’ll just feel worse about everything. You know it yourself.” Steve groaned, knowing he was a huge mess and that Natasha was right about it. His anxiety was eating him alive from inside, and he was too scared to face the world outside his safe bubble, even though it would probably make him feel better on some level. He hadn’t even seen Bucky in the last few days, _knowing_ it would make him feel better – he just didn’t feel like he needed the supposed pity and sympathy from his good friend. ”Bucky called you, I told him you’re suffering from something as horrible as this and that you need someone to take you outside to have fun. He’s apparently picking you up in two hours, right after his work shift. I also called the library and told your boss you’re sick –” Nat yawned. ”– you’re welcome. Now, come eat.”

 

”Can I eat here, please?” Steve begged and looked up at Nat, trying to make his eyes wide, knowing it wouldn’t work on her.

 

”No, you’re eating in kitchen. I made you food, you need to eat something else than just yogurt or cookies and bananas.”

 

Steve groaned in realization. ”Why did you tell Bucky to come get me? I’m doing fine here, look, here’s my good friend Pen and that’s my other good friend Sketchbook. We’re having a really nice threesome and this session’s just a little longer than usually.” He squinted his eyes at the mention of real food. ”And what food? Last time you cooked for me I almost puked.”

 

”Smashed potatoes and veggie patties. And salad, _green_ salad. You need your greens. And it wasn’t that bad.” It did sound appealing to Steve, seeing as his stomach had been rumbling for the whole afternoon but he hadn’t had any energy to get up and cook. Groaning, Steve finally stood up, stretching his back and legs. He was feeling really stiff, not having moved around in a few days. Immediately feeling blood flooding around his limbs much better, surprisingly making him feel a lot more alive and much less like a zombie. ”Hey, wanna tell me why have you been so down lately? You have talked only about how you’re hungry and about how you don’t want to go outside.”

 

”I’m alright.” Nat groaned, banging her head lightly to the wall. Steve took it as a sign of her not taking any of his bullshit. ”Okay, okay. For the first time since mom I’ve actually let myself feel something nice and I can’t even tell Bucky I like him. This is such a great things and I couldn’t be more happier! He went on a date and it didn’t go well and I still couldn’t tell him about anything! I’m so happy about this situation and life is totally great. Great!” Steve grinned as sarcastically as he could and gave Nat a double thumbs up, just to make it seem even more sarcastic. ”Sorry, I’m just annoyed because of myself.”

 

Natasha huffed and shook her head in disapproval. ”You really gotta tell him, I mean, have you seen the way he looks at you?”

 

Steve furrowed his eyebrows, sitting down on a kitchen stool and pulling his plate closer to him. ”What do you mean?” He thought about it for a few seconds. ”We’re just friends, and he thinks of me as a friend. Nothing more. I kind of just want to get over him, try to go out on a date. Haven’t been dating in years. And he looks at me as a friend.”

 

Natasha grinned, secretly wanting to scream at Steve for being so stupid – even she had noticed how Bucky looked at Steve – as if he was the best and most beautiful thing in the whole world. As if Steve was the only thing he needed in his life. ”I’ll get you on a date, okay? If it helps you. Then you can just forget Bucky and stuff.” Natasha smirked way too widely, but Steve didn’t seem to notice it.

 

”Thanks, love you,” Steve spoke, his mouth full of food. Some chewed up vegetable patty fell on his non-shaved beard and he tried to catch it with his tongue, failing at the task. They both laughed at Steve’s attempt to eat with restraint while extremely hungry.

 

”So you remember when I went to that bar after the birthday party?” Steve nodded as Nat tried to steal a tomato off of his plate, earning a slap to her wrist. ”I met this cool gal.” The blonde took a careful look at his friend. Natasha seemed to be happy about it. ”I mean yeah, we did have sex while really drunk but… I didn’t sneak out after she fell asleep and she made me breakfast and we exchanged numbers before I left.” Steve laughed. ”That counts as something, doesn’t it?”

 

Steve nodded thoughtfully. ”Yeah, I guess so. You’ve never not escaped from your one night stands before, so I guess it counts as something. You seen her after that?”

 

Nat looked absolutely smitten as she told Steve the person had asked her out on a date. ”Wanda was just like, hey I wanna take you on a real date, and I said yes! Isn’t this amazing!”

 

Steve turned his gaze back down to his food, grinning and shaking his head as he laughed. ”That’s amazing, really. When are you going?”

 

”Next week, she's going out of town for a few days.”

 

”Well, we’ve got to make you look pretty then, don’t we? Ask her to pick you up from here, I need to try to be an intimidating older brother and give her that threatening speech no one ever takes seriously.”

 

”Hell yes. And no one takes it seriously just because you’re an overgrown teddy bear, you do know that?”

 

”… yeah.”

 

–

 

”One iced latte, please, with a pump of caramel. Not too much, don’t want to get fat,” Tony joked as Bucky started making him his order. Bucky shut his mouth, desperately wanting to say something witty about the fat-part. ”Hey! What would you say if I let Pepper pick one person you’ll go on a date with. Just her, I can’t say anything about it and after this one date I promise I’ll never try to make you go on a date with anyone unless you especially ask me to get you a date.” Tony looked sincere, but Bucky knew he was really unpredictable. ”Come on! You know Pepper has a great taste in men.” What Bucky did not know, what that Pepper had especially asked Tony to ask Bucky about this.

 

”She’s dating you.” It came out meaner as it was supposed to, but Bucky was still kind of annoyed at Tony. Tony laughed at Bucky, as if it would have been the funniest joke in the whole world and not something meant as an insult. Working in Starbucks is nice, Bucky thought as he wrote Tony Stank to the take-away cup of ice latte. ”Alright. One date, Pepper gets to choose the person this time. Tell her I’m counting on her to be reasonable.”

 

”Hey, I’m not taking any of this Stank-thing anymore!”

 

”Is that really so, Mister Stank? Now get lost, I’m working here.”

 

Time flew past quickly and before the brunette knew it, it was already six and his shift was over. Bucky was overly relieved to get out of his tight apron and a slightly too small cap, which he had shrank in the washing machine accidentally. He poured himself a cup of coffee and another one for Steve. He knew it would most likely not be even warm anymore when he’d meet Steve, but it didn’t matter to the blonde. Bucky had decided he would take Steve out to a beach. He had picked up a car from Tony’s in the morning, since the trip to the beach would be so much funnier ina car instead of a bus or a cab. Bucky had a driver’s license, but he didn’t think it was necessary own a car when living in a place with good public transportation. Luckily Tony had multiple cars, his father being really rich, and he was more than happy to borrow them to Bucky as long as Bucky took good care of them. Bucky texted Steve, letting him know he’d be there in thirty minutes. He also reminded the blonde to take his painting stuff with him – knowing Steve, he would probably just want to paint everything. Bucky himself was going to write a paper for one of his courses, since he had been procrastinating too much with his school work. He was still acing every course, but he didn’t settle down enough with the stuff he was learning. The beach was a brilliant place to go, it was already quite late autumn, but the particular day was extremely warm and the weather was supposed to be nice until the next day.

 

It had been exactly a week since Bucky’s date. A lot more than a week since Bucky had realized he liked Steve. More than over a month since they had become friends. And two days since Bucky had last seen Steve. After the date Steve had spent the night with Bucky, drawing him as Bucky had written about Steve. Bucky had always wanted to experience something he could write about. He knew he couldn’t write stories about love or heartbreak if he wouldn’t experience it. Steve complemented Bucky, he was an inspiration to Bucky – and he knew he was an inspiration for Steve, too. He had seen the sketchbook full of sketches and drawings of Bucky, some looking like they were made in a hurry but others looking like Steve would have stayed up all night to draw the delicate, exact lines.

 

Once Bucky made it to Steve’s building, he honked the car horn as a sign for Steve, who was sitting on the ground, to get inside the car. He looked tired and he gave Bucky a faint, heart-wrenching one sided smile. ”How are you?”

 

Bucky grinned, getting ready to leave. ”I’m alright. The coffee’s for you,” Bucky nodded his head toward the coffee cup in the cup holder. ”Be careful not to spill it. Tony’ll never let me borrow his cars again if I mess them up.” Steve laughed and downed the coffee in just four huge sips, closing his eyes and running his fingers through his hair. ”Tired?”

 

”Always. Anyways, where are we going this time?”

 

Bucky turned to glance at Steve, who was already looking at him with his baby blue eyes and the most innocent smile. ”It’s a secret, but you have time to take a nap if it’s absolutely necessary.”

 

”It’s only six forty-five,” Steve protested, even though he really wanted to take a nap.

 

Bucky rolled his eyes. ”It’s midnight somewhere.”

 

After a couple of hours Steve had woken up from his nap as a result of Bucky turning his music’s volume a bit too high. He was listening to some 80’s hits so enthusiastically Steve didn’t have the heart to tell him to be more quiet. He also didn’t want to go back to sleep, he just wanted to stare at Bucky and his face for as long as he could. Bucky hadn’t noticed Steve had woken up, and he drummed the steering wheel with his hands, imitating the drumming patterns in the song that was on. He was mouthing the words, seemingly knowing them all by heart. He trashed his head around, jiggling on the seat and excitedly raising his shoulders, as if he wanted to get off of the car and just go dance around. Steve started singing aloud as the chorus came on, scaring Bucky. ”Sorry,” he apologized but continued to sing right after. Soon both of the men were singing childishly along to Pet Shop Boys and dancing in their seats. Bucky kept taking glimpses of Steve as he poured his heart into the songs and just seemed to let go of his stress. He was stealing Bucky’s heart faster than the speed of light, and Bucky loved it.

 

After a couple more hours they finally arrived to the beach. It was still very warm, and Bucky grinned at the water, waves not being too high at all. He threw off his shirt and hopped quickly out of his skinny jeans, struggling a bit with them. Bucky looked at Steve in the eyes for a few seconds before smiling widely, his eyes and nose scrunching up, and then running to the water. He quickly walked deeper and then dove underneath the surface, coming back up soon enough. His hair was dripping water and clinging to his face, and Steve stifled a giggle trying to escape his mouth. He shook his head, undressing too and walking slowly to, stopping at the waterline, letting his toes get used to the cool water. It felt so good, especially since it had been such a warm day. ”You’re slow!”

 

”You’re fast!” Steve walked slowly into the water staring at the horizon and the sun that was getting lower. He didn’t want to get his hair wet, and he didn’t really feel like swimming. It was nice to get a bit cooled down, though. Bucky laughed at the sight of Steve, who looked like a drowning puppy, staring at the water fearfully and then every once in a while glancing at the sky. Bucky attempted to splash him with the water, and even though he was too far from Steve to actually get him wet, Steve glared at the brunette and mumbled about his hair getting wet, which Bucky did not hear. Steve walked a bit further away from the beach, admiring the view. Bucky was swimming and diving around like a little child, his long hair now in a pony tail. Bucky swam towards Steve underwater, finally managing to push his legs hard enough so the blonde fell into the water. Bucky knew he would regret it as soon as Steve got up, so he started swimming away.

 

”You’re so going to regret this,” Steve voiced Bucky’s thoughts, now splashing water at Bucky. He splashed back, and they ended up fighting playfully for a good twenty minutes before just starting to laugh at the situation. It was very not-stressful and it was fun, and Steve was glad Natasha had arranged this.

 

”Goddammit, I actually managed to forget my canvases. Like, yeah I brought my paints and brushes but a canvas? How hard can it be to remember something as essential as a canvas when you’re going to paint something. Fuck this,” Steve huffed, clearly sad and annoyed, staring at the sunset. They had ended up back to the beach and they were sitting on a comfortable blanket, some pillows lying around as well as fruit and sandwiches Bucky had brought from the car. It was nice, but it was starting to get a little bit chilly outside.

 

”You can paint on my back if you want to,” Bucky said. ”You can take a picture and then you won’t lose the art.” He didn’t give it much of a thought, but he didn’t really mind it at all. He loved it when people touched his back, for some odd reason. Steve asked if Bucky was sure it was okay to him, and he answered by laying down to the blanket, putting a pillow under his head and tapping his back.

 

”Thanks, pal,” Steve grinned, taking his paints and brushes out from his back bag. He glanced at the sunset, wanting to capture it quickly as it was changing constantly. Biting his lip, Steve sat down on Bucky’s upper thighs, laughing when Bucky squealed. ”Sorry, I just needed better access to my canvas.”

 

”Would you prefer cube-shaped eggs over egg-shaped eggs? I mean, it would be much easier to handle them. I always put them on the table and then they just roll off to the floor and boom – I always do it, it would be much easier if they just stayed on the table where I put them.” Bucky’s voice was muffled by the pillow that was over his mouth, but Steve heard it nonetheless and laughed, shaking his head.

 

”I suppose it’d be easier. I just don’t bake that much, but hey – _you_ have to clean up? I feel like every time you make food and drop your damn eggs I’m the one who ends up cleaning them.” Steve tried to concentrate on the painting, the second layer finally done. ”It’s really beautiful, look,” Steve pointed at the sky with his brush. Bucky took a look at it and smiled.

 

”Bet your painting’s even more beautiful.” Both of them were silent for a few minutes, Steve still blushing. ”You know, I started a new book a while ago. I’m still planning it.”

 

”What’s it about?” Steve asked curiously. He had read some of Bucky’s writings before and they were amazing. He was so talented at grasping moments and painting them all with words, so that they came to life. Bucky squirmed as Steve accidentally grinded against Bucky’s ass a bit too hard. _Naked grandmas, naked grandmas, dying puppies, cockroaches,_ Steve thought, feeling his boner waking up and then dying before Bucky had a chance to notice it.

 

”It’s a love story. Two people meet in a library and then fall in love but both are too scared to say anything, you know, the usual.” Bucky knew his words were bold and that Steve could possibly ask him more about it if he realized what Bucky was talking about. Steve’s heart fluttered – it was what he wanted their relationship – friendship, whatever – to get started like. The only problem was Bucky probably not liking Steve.

 

”Taking inspiration from somewhere,” Steve giggled, not saying much more about it. ”I want to read it when it’s ready to be read.”

 

”Yeah, of course. I have no idea when it will be ready, and I don’t really know how it’s going to end. Happily, I hope.”

 

Finishing up his painting with a few light strokes, Steve sighed and got off of Bucky. He immediately felt cold, seeing as Bucky had been kind of warming him up. ”It’s ready! Wait a sec, I’ll take a picture.” Steve did as he said and then showed it to Bucky, who had stretched his arms and stiff neck after being too long in the same position.

 

”Wow, that’s amazing. I don’t even want to wash it away, okay,” Bucky breathed sharply and looked at the painting in pure admiration. ”You’re so damn talented.” Steve blushed, shivering as a light breeze went past them. ”Should we get to the car? We could maybe sleep in the car, it’s not gonna be comfy but I don’t feel like driving back. It’s dark and really late.”

 

Steve thought about it. ”Yeah, I just feel like sleeping, let’s do that. It’s Saturday tomorrow anyways, we have time to drive back in the morning.” They gathered up all of their stuff, shaking the sand off of their blanket and towels and then got back to the car. ”Do we like… sleep in the front or in the backseat together?”

 

”Well, the front’s kind of tight, goddammit Tony and his cool cars, so backseat it is. If that’s fine with you?”

 

”Yeah, it’s fine. I’m cold anyways.”

 

Soon enough they were both laying in the back seat, Bucky laid almost on top of Steve, his head on Steve’s chest. They had the small blanket over them and Steve got the pillows Bucky had brought, but they were already falling asleep next to each other. It was peaceful, the waves outside worked as a lullaby. Both of them laid there, tiredly holding tight to each other and Bucky was just about to fall asleep when he felt Steve kiss his the top of his head – and boy, did he fall asleep with the biggest smile on his face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to write a lot more stuff in this chapter but I got carried away and like?? this is only halfway through the original plan for chapter eight so I'm just going to write the other half as another chapter. 
> 
> ... but... what are Pepper and Natasha planning to do ....... man.....
> 
> it's nearly 1 am where I live and I slept for like four hours last night and I doubt I'll get much more sleep tonight send help
> 
> but!!! love you all (I'm tired and I'll probably check the chapter for misspellings tomorrow morning because I'm too tired to do it now and I just really want to publish this chapter now so pls bear with me)


	9. Nine

_I’m So Excited_ was blasting from the car radio as Steve was sketching the view quickly. The morning had been rainy and cold, and Steve had woken up with an awful back ache. He still wouldn’t have decided to sleep in his bed, if it would have meant he couldn’t have cuddled with Bucky for the whole night, keeping him really close so they would fit in the thin back seat. They had woken up, when Steve had pushed Bucky off of him in his sleep. Bucky had ended up with a few bruises on his hip, and they just laughed it off. Steve was happy. After a few hours of driving they had stopped for some food, and Steve had been too tired to go with Bucky. They were still an hour away from home, and Steve didn’t want the trip to end. He wanted to ride to the sunset with Bucky and not go back home, where Nat would be with her wiggling eyebrows and a suggestive tone in her voice. Ever since Bucky had once cooked for them all she had wanted Steve to start dating Bucky – just because his food had been so delicious. 

 

”Hello, I’m your pizza delivery man. Would you like some pizza? It’s free for you,” Bucky joked and got into the car, giving Steve the pizza box in his hands. Steve jumped up slightly, he had been so far in his thoughts he hadn’t even noticed how Bucky had gotten back and knocked on the window. ”Sorry,” Bucky apologized for scaring him. Steve accepted the pizza and as they continued their trip, he fed Bucky a few slices. He would have driven too, but he didn’t have a driver’s license. Instead he shuffled a bit on the rather hard seat, trying to find a comfortable position, and then turned to look at Bucky.

 

”Thanks for taking me. I had a lot of fun even though you did get me quite wet.” Bucky let out a loud laugh, his hair falling out from behind his ear where he had tucked the few strands to stay away from his face. He scrunched up his nose and tucked them back, glancing at the side mirror. Steve liked observing Bucky. He did all kinds of small things that could go unnoticed to someone, but not to Steve. He knew Bucky liked to twirl his hair around his fingers, when he was waiting for something (usually food). Bucky was always drumming his lap with his long fingers, usually playing the song that was stuck in his head (usually _Hooked On a Feeling)._ When Bucky really smiled, his whole face scrunched up, and his smile could be seen from his eyes too. And when Bucky was concentrating on someone speaking, he would lean toward the person talking and tilt his head slightly. _You fucking sap,_ Steve scoffed inside his head and noticed Bucky had been talking for a while.

 

”… so I’m apparently going on a date tomorrow. Remember, I told you Pepper could get me one more date and then I’d be done doing dates for a while. At least dates that someone else arranges for me, it’s quite annoying. It’s apparently someone called… fuck, what was his name? I can’t remember. But anyways, I really do hope he’s at least nice so I can handle it for a few hours before I’ll come over to eat pancakes. You’ll make me pancakes, right? Or do I have to be sad for pancakes? I’ll be sad if I won’t get pancakes, so I could just come over and then not get pancakes first and then I’ll get sad and you’ll make me pancakes. Deal?”

 

”Deal,” Steve chuckled, leaning back and just listening to Bucky continue chattering about everything and pointing at every single dog in sight. Steve’s phone went off and he checked it.

 

’ _hey loser, I got u a date! it’s tomorrow.’_

 

Steve chew the inside of his cheek unconsciously. ”Apparently, I have a date tomorrow, too. Might have to reschedule the pancakes,” he grimaced.

 

Bucky frowned. ”But my pancakes!”

 

”Don’t worry, I’ll make you some on Monday.”

 

”I have school on Monday.” Steve looked confused, so Bucky continued. ”I usually just study at home, but I really have to go to the actual class this time. It’s some really long lecture about the finest literature there is.”

 

”And what’s that?”

 

”I have no fucking idea,” Bucky grinned, finally parking the car and nodding to Steve. ”It’s your stop. I didn’t study last night at all, which I was supposed to do, so I’m going to study now. I’ll see you after the lecture, on Monday? If it’s okay.”

 

”You better call me,” Steve hadn’t even gotten out of the car before Bucky pulled him back in and gave him a tight hug. ”Good luck on that date. Where is it anyway?”

 

”At some bar, I have no idea where. Pepper’ll take me there.” he rolled his eyes. ”Yours?”

 

”Apparently at some cool space café,” he referred to the latest text from Natasha. ”But seriously. Call me. Save me from being bored to death.”

 

”Of course. Wouldn’t want you to die when I can save you.”

 

 

Later that night Bucky was sitting on his couch, his laptop burning his bare thighs and his eyes sore from staring at the bright screen for too long. He sighed, pulling at his hair and opening Tumblr. He scrolled his dashboard for a good fifteen minutes, before deciding to try to concentrate on his school work once again. The whole pattern had been repeated for around ten times, only to be interrupted by Bucky’s doorbell ringing. He secretly hoped it would be Steve or even Tony, just so he could quit trying to do his school stuff without having a bad conscience about it. He ran to the door, peeping through the peep hole. It was a pizza delivery guy judging by the pizza in his hands, looking at his phone. Bucky opened the door.

 

”Hey, you must be at the wrong address. I haven’t ordered any pizza today,” Bucky said, confusedly.

 

”Are you not Bucky Barnes?” The young guy asked, looking disappointed as if he had just screwed up something really important.

 

Bucky was even more confused. ”Yes, I am, but –”

 

”Well, someone called Punk Rogers sent you this and has already paid for it. Have a nice evening,” the guy gave Bucky the pizza and left quickly, not saying another word. Bucky closed his door, a pizza box in his hands and slid down to the floor. _That fucking man,_ he thought, opening the box and smiling at the still hot pizza that was inside. Bucky was quickly back on his couch with pizza and some water, his laptop back in front of him. He actually managed to finish the assignment, cheered up by the pizza. Bucky decided to thank Steve on the phone, not by just texting him.

 

The phone rang for about five seconds before Steve answered. ”Hey Buck! Did you know that if you google two-four-one-five-four-three-nine-o-three you get pictures of people with their heads in the fridge? Because I didn’t know and now I do and my life is a hundred million times better than it used to be.” Steve’s voice sounded really formal, causing Bucky to crack up and cheer up even more. ”How’s school work? How’s your pizza – you did get your pizza, right?”

 

”Yeah, thanks for the pizza. How did you know I was hungry?”

 

”You always forget to eat when you’re writing or reading. Had to take care of you. But did you know about googling the –”

 

”Actually, yes I did know about it,” Bucky rolled his eyes, placing his laptop on a table. He got up and looked at the clock – ”Fuck, I’m sorry I called you at two am. Sorry.”

 

”I wasn’t sleeping, so it’s fine. I was just playing Sims and watching Netflix. My sim people made a baby but it was really ugly ’cause its dad’s an alien so I made it its own house in the yard and removed the door and windows. But don’t worry, it’s doing alright there! Not dead yet,” Steve giggled, sounding really exhausted. ”Okay now it’s crying about… is that the neighbor's girl baby, they also had a very ugly baby and I really think they should put it in the room with this one, but what a goddamn champ. You’re fucking dying alone and you’re thinking about a girl. What the fuck, dude. Your parents haven’t even noticed you’re gone, poor you.”

 

”Steve, you need to sleep. You sound like you haven’t slept in days and you’re not making any sense – okay, you are, I do that too, but you still need to sleep. Please, try to sleep for me? It’s my turn to take care of you.” Bucky heard Steve groan.

 

”I can’t sleep. My thoughts are too loud.” It broke Bucky’s heart and he bit his lip, closing his eyes.

 

”I’m coming over. I have to leave early but I’m coming over, okay? Save your game, I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

 

Twelve minutes later Bucky was reaching for Steve’s spare key from above the light in the hall. He got it and opened the door, only to be greeted by the Sims music from Steve’s room.

 

”You’re late,” he heard Steve yelling from his room.

 

”You were supposed to shut it – oh, it’s loading. Sorry,” Bucky laughed, taking a good look at Steve. He was curled up in a ball in his huge chair, three blankets on top of him. He didn’t have a shirt on though, and he had a beanie on, covering his hair. ”Hey pal, sorry I’m late. Traffic lights.” he went to Steve, hugging him from behind while the blonde sat still.

 

”Hey Bucky,” Steve greeted silently, yawning. ”You make me tired.”

 

”Well, that’s a good thing, I suppose. Now, off to bed,” Bucky nodded towards the bed when the computer finally shut down the game. Steve got up, sprinting to his bed and then jumping in, taking up nearly all the space on it. He didn’t have any pants on either, just some underwear. Bucky was lowkey drooling at the sight as he switched off Steve’s PC and took off his own shirt, getting ready to sleep. It was late and he had promised Tony he would join him and Pepper at their brunch as a third wheel before his date. He could have brought Steve too, but Steve probably wouldn’t want to be social as the first thing in the morning – and Bucky probably wouldn’t have the heart to wake Steve up.

 

It wasn’t the first time Bucky and Steve would sleep together because Steve couldn’t sleep. They did it approximately three times a week, so Bucky already had his own toothbrush and spare clothes at Steve and Nat’s place. He didn’t mind it though, Steve was an amazing cuddler and he didn’t even steal the blanket – Bucky stole it from Steve instead. ”Come brush your teeth, you’ll thank me in the morning,” Bucky dragged the already half-asleep blonde to the bathroom and sat him down on the toilet seat. He took Steve’s toothbrush from the cabinet over the sink, wet the toothbrush and squeezed some toothpaste on it.

 

”I’m not a fucking child, I can do this by myself,” Steve glared at Bucky, taking the toothbrush and starting to brush his teeth. ”I’m not helpless, okay.”

 

”Course you are not, I was just helping. You look like you’re gonna crash any minute now and I want you to be in the bed before that.” Steve considered Bucky’s words and let the whole thing go, knowing Bucky was right. Steve liked to say he was right all the time, but it was usually Bucky who was right. Steve liked it too, when Bucky said Steve was right when it was actually Bucky who was right. Bucky brushed his teeth too and put his hair up in a loose bun, getting it off of his face before washing his face.

 

Soon, the men were cuddling in Steve’s bed. Natasha knocked on the slightly open door and came in, a handful of carrots in her hand. She sat down on the bed. ”Evening, fellas. Are you seriously going to sleep? It’s Saturday – sorry, Sunday, and it’s not even three!” After being told to get lost, Nat got away from them (showing her middle finger to Steve and Bucky) and closed the door behind her.

 

Steve laid on Bucky’s chest, listening to his heart beat. ”Why do we sleep together so much?” He suddenly asked.

 

”I don’t know, it’s peaceful. And you actually get to sleep. And you’re very warm.”

 

”Yeah, well, you make my nightmares go away. It’s nice to sleep without having to wake up screaming.”

 

–

 

”… and some eggs, too, please. Sunny side up,” Tony added to their order, waking Bucky up from daydreaming. ”James, come on. You can’t be that tired, you knew we would come and have a brunch early. Why didn’t you sleep enough?”

 

Why didn’t Bucky sleep enough? A clock. Natasha had apparently got their clock fixed, and it had been ticking for the whole night so loudly Bucky couldn’t sleep. In a normal situation Bucky would have probably gone and thrown it out from the window, but this time? There was no way in hell he would have gotten up, while a certain blonde was laying on him, his hands wrapped around him so tightly he would have woken Steve up if he would have tried to move. So, he finally had fallen asleep near five, but he had time to sleep for only three hours. ”A clock.”

 

Tony must have misheard him, exclaiming, ”A cock? Jesus, man, have you been fucking all night with someone? And you spent the night at St – Oh god, this is amazing, you finally had sex with Steve, I –”

 

”No, a clock,” Bucky stressed the clock-word this time, so it would be clear what he was talking about. ”A very loud and annoying clock. I did not have sex with Steve last night. Just some hardcore cuddling and snoring.”

 

Tony, clearly disappointed he hadn’t heard it correctly, shook his head and pursed his lips. ”But you do have your date tonight, correct? You should get a hair cut. You look like a mop with that long hair.”

 

”Maybe, but Steve likes – _I_ like my hair long.”

 

The older man squinted his eyes and leaned back. ”Steve likes your hair long so you don’t want to cut it? Interesting.”

 

”It’s not interesting, fuck off Tony. I’m too hungry and tired for this bullshit.”

 

”Well, eat and stop complaining!”

 

After eating half a plateful of food, Bucky turned to look up at Pepper and Tony. They were holding hands, Pepper feeding Tony a bread dipped in something. They looked so happy – ”Wait, when did you get that ring?"

 

Pepper quickly turned around to look at Bucky, who was staring at her ring finger. Tony just smiled awkwardly and opened his mouth a few times just to close it without saying anything. ”It’s an, uh, engagement ring. I got it yesterday.” Bucky looked at it more carefully and grinned. He and Tony had gone ring shopping a few months back – he knew Tony was going to propose, but he had no idea Tony had done it already!

 

”I actually proposed to her last night. Had all the roses and stuff there. That’s why I asked you here, thought we could celebrate a bit.”

 

Bucky was beaming with happiness. His best friend was getting married? While Tony was the last person you’d think would get married, ever, Pepper made him so happy Bucky had known they would get through Tony’s fear of commitment. ”I’m so happy for you, guys! When are you getting married? Will I be the godfather? Please?”

 

”Wait – godfather? We’re not having kids, that’s like, really permanent, for at least eighteen years.” Tony panicked a bit, Pepper laughing. He must have realised what he said, since a pink blush creeped to his cheeks.

 

”Marriage is kind of permanent, Tony,” Bucky teased, rolling his eyes. ”Unless you get divorced.”

 

”You won’t be the godfather, yet, but I really would like you to be my best man, though.”

 

It took Bucky twenty seconds to realize what Tony had said. A tear slipped from his eye when he started nodding repeatedly. ”Yes, yes! I’ll be your best man, of course.” Tony tried to hug Bucky from the other side of the table, only managing to get his jacket dirty from the food in his way. ”It means a lot to me, I mean, you could have asked pretty much anyone –”

 

”Well, I do want my best friend to be my best man, not someone else. Stupid you,” Tony laughed, and the rest of the brunch was spent with Pepper telling Bucky how Tony had proposed.

 

–

 

Stressing out was an understatement. Steve was running around his apartment, trying to find clothes to wear. First, it started when he couldn’t find any clean socks (which he later found drying on their balcony, Natasha had apparently done laundry). After that he started worrying about how formal he would have to look (he kind of wanted to go naked so he wouldn’t have to stress about clothes). Steve was very tired. He had slept for nearly ten hours, way too much for him. He had woken up alone in his bed, a note next to him. He read it for a millions times while getting pancakes (which were a bit burned but still good).

 

_Good morning sweetheart,_

 

_I’m sorry I have to leave so early. Remind me to kill Tony some day, will you. I made some pancakes (they burned up a bit (but they’re still quite good (not as good as yours))) and I left you some in the fridge. I’ll talk to you later. Have a nice date._

 

_Jerk_

 

”Natasha, how formal is it? Like, a band shirt and jeans or a tux? Can I got naked? I don’t know what to wear.”

 

”God, Steve. Neither of those will do. Just check out the –” Steve hung up the call, annoyed that both of his two clothing options were now apparently out of the game.

 

The next three hours were very well spent on Steve trying out every single piece of clothing he owned. Hell, he even considered wearing the bright red dress he had bought a long time ago. In frustration, he threw most of his clothes on the floor after not being satisfied with any of them. He ended up crying a bit about it, giving up on trying to find something. Finally, Nat knocked on his door after getting back from her job and gasped when coming in. For a good reason, too. There’s no way you could not be surprised, when someone as clean as Steve has a room looking like a hurricane had just swept through it. ”What the hell happened here?” She yelled in surprise, eyeing the room before finding Steve laying on the floor in a pile of clothes with bright pink jeans and a _The Beatles -_ shirt on him. ”What the hell are you doing?”

 

”I don’t know what to wear.” Natasha groaned, but then started laughing and went to Steve’s table. She took a neon yellow post-it note stuck to it, and gave it to Steve. ” _Hello Steve. I know you’ll probably go through every single piece of clothing you own and then come crying to me, so I’ve set you clothes you’ll wear on the couch. Feel free to try to find something else, but here’s my tip: don’t. Love you, Nat._ ” Steve read it aloud, his face blushing. He quickly got up and went to their living room, only to find some of his clothes there, waiting for him. ”Thanks,” he muttered, still very embarrassed. Finally, after some tears and a nearing mental breakdown, he was dressed up in a dark red sweatshirt and black jeans. It was simple, but good looking. He thanked Nat once again, pacing around the apartment and deciding to do something to calm down. The biggest reason behind his stress was probably Bucky. He didn’t want Bucky to think he didn’t like him, nor did he want Bucky to know about Steve liking him. Way too complicated for Steve.

 

”You reek, you really should quit smoking,” Nat scoffed, throwing a pack of gum at Steve before they were leaving. She stopped him to roll up his sleeves up to elbows – ”It looks better, trust me.”

 

”I feel like every single time we leave this apartment you have to do something about my appearance. Am I not pretty enough?”

 

”You’re the prettiest boy, but we have to go now or you’ll be late.”

 

”Why are you taking me there? I’m fully capable of going by myself.”

 

”Don’t want you to freak out and run. That’s kind of your specialty.” Natasha grinned, showing Steve it was meant as a joke – even if it was true. Twenty minutes later they got into a local restaurant. ”Hey, I thought the date would be at a space café. Why are we here?”

 

”Because your date is here. Oh, there he is!” Natasha grinned and nodded at someone, Steve not being able to see who it was – Nat put her hands over Steve’s eyes just after the nod. It must have been some sort of a signal for someone else than Steve.

 

”What are you doing?”

 

”Wouldn’t want you to run away now.”

 

Steve felt himself being sat down on a chair. Suddenly, Nat took her hands off of his eyes and it took him a second to realize what was actually happening.

 

”Have a nice date, fellas,” Nat grinned, dragging away someone who looked like that one friend of hers – Pepper, was it? And Steve looked at the person sitting across the table.

 

He looked quite good, his dark hair was slicked back and he had a soft red blush on his cheeks. ”I thought your date was supposed to be in some bar,” Steve blurted out, probably blushing very madly by now.

 

”I thought your date was supposed to be in a space café.”

 

It took them both a minute to realize what was happening. Both were sitting tightly in their seats, not daring to move, staring at each other. ”Wait. Are _we_ on a date? Did they arrange a date for us?” Steve stayed quiet, opening his mouth for a few times, nothing coming out. ”Did you know about this?”

 

Steve shook his head, still shocked. Had Natasha known all along? That little shit. The other man was starting to look a bit happier by every second, taking a deep breath and letting it out. ”Well, people usually first introduce themselves on a date instead of just staring. Hello, my name’s James Barnes. But you’re cute, so you can call me Bucky.”

 

Steve chuckled – this was how it was going to be, then. ”Well hello, I’m Steven Rogers. I don’t have any cool nicknames so you’ll have to go with Steve.”

 

”So, how has your day been so far, Steve? That’s a quite pretty name, by the way.” Bucky was grinning in a way it looked like he was more than happy to be on a date with Steve. Steve thought he only imagined the happiness and shook his head, as if it would clear his thoughts.

 

”My day started with some pretty damn good pancakes, made by my dear friend,” Steve started, rolling his eyes.

 

Bucky leaned forward, as if he was really surprised. ”Oh, tell me about this friend,” he said cheekily.

 

”Well, he’s quite amazing and funny, and very good looking. But he’s really annoying and stupid sometimes. You’d probably like him.” Steve liked being on a date with Bucky, even if it had been only less than five minutes. It was definitely better than making Bucky pancakes after his date with someone else.

 

”I don’t really believe in him being annoying nor stupid,” Bucky stated very seriously. ”So, what else have you done today?”

 

”I might have had a small mental breakdown while getting ready – oh shit, that’s not something you’re supposed to say on a first date,” Steve blurted out, cursing himself.

 

”Steve it’s okay, don’t freak out. Hey guess what! Tony and Pepper got engaged,” Bucky giggled, now seeming to have let go of the role he was sort of playing. ”But anyway, I can’t believe they got us on a date.”

 

”Well, would you rather be on a date with someone else?” Steve joked, really hoping Bucky wouldn’t reply to it.

 

”No, honestly – this is way better than what I expected. Like straight from my dreams,” Bucky blurted out this time, blushing. ”Forget it.”

 

Steve awed. ”You’ve dreamed about being on a date with me,” he teased. ”But yeah – I –” _have wanted to get a date with you ever since we met and this is literally my dream coming true and I’m going to clean the whole apartment for a whole month just to thank Natasha for this._ Steve started stuttering and closed his eyes for a moment. Bucky took his hand, making him calm down. ”Sorry. I’m not blaming you though, I’m pretty amazing,” he abandoned the original thing he was going to say, smiling charmingly. Bucky seemed to guess that wasn’t what Steve was really going to say, but he was cut off from saying anything by a waiter coming over to give them menus and ask what they wanted to drink. After ordering they returned to their conversation.

 

”So, non-alcoholic wine, huh?” Bucky’s eyes seemed to be shining really brightly.

 

Steve cleared his throat. _Here goes nothing._ ”Well, you most certainly do want to remember the time you get to be on a date with your crush, don’t you?”

 

Bucky choked on his water. There was something in his face, an emotion Steve couldn’t recognize. He looked happy, though. ”Well, that’s usually the best reason to not to drink on a date,” Bucky took another sip of his water, winking at Steve.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I've been really busy with my Harry Potter marathon (fifth time this year Hell Yes) and yeah. But anyways! I'm sorry for the (kind of a) cliffhanger, I promise this will continue in the next chapter I've already (almost) written. But!!! If any of you want to listen, I have a playlist of songs that I listen to when writing: https://open.spotify.com/user/kittieluke/playlist/7vZqR0OSRJ8sMKTdYEBItk?si=Nwj3YPBeTB2EFkKs1ithaQ <3
> 
> hope you've all had a nice day!! <3


	10. Ten

The whole restaurant around Steve and Bucky was very quiet. Steve couldn’t decide if it was a good or a bad thing. He could hear his heart pumping, but he could also hear Bucky well even if they spoke quietly. Steve wondered, if he had ever been this nervous on a date before. Well, maybe on his first date with anyone ever – but it didn’t count. He came to the result that it was Bucky’s fault he was as nervous as he was.

 

Steve’s heart started racing even faster than before and his stomach felt like the butterflies in there were having a riot, when Bucky laughed at his own joke. Steve couldn’t concentrate on it, but he really wanted to. His mind was getting out of control, he needed to control it. But he had just told Bucky about his crush on him. They continued to talk about Bucky’s new book, which had been actually noticed by some people. Bucky wrote his stories and everything on a blog and he always called Steve when he had published another chapter so the blonde wouldn’t forget to read it. Sometimes Bucky even asked Steve for writing advice or help if he was stuck somewhere. It made Steve feel like he was important. They talked about Steve’s art classes. The art program had got a huge amount of money from an anonymous donor, so they weren’t on such a low budget anymore and could afford a lot of new materials and going to art exhibitions. They could even make the program twice as long as it was supposed to be, and they would all get actual diplomas for completing it. It was more than what Steve had expected when he first signed for the program.

 

Suddenly Steve internalized what he had told Bucky fifteen minutes earlier and excused himself to go to the bathroom for a very quick crying session. He sat down on the closed toilet seat and took a small grip seal bag full of his anxiety pills out of his jeans’ pocket. He swallowed two without any water and coughed as they first got stuck on his throat. He did not feeling like crying anymore – even without the pills not yet working. Bucky had winked at Steve, he had acted as if he liked Steve too. Steve had told Bucky about him crushing on the brunette man. Bucky knew. It was something Steve didn’t want to happen – he had dreaded this moment when he would accidentally blurt it out. He was glad he hadn’t started with the serious _I love you_ and had been less wild than he could have been. He still didn’t like being wild. He would rather live safely and never say or do anything wild than get hurt doing something out of his comfort zone. He was afraid he had already taken a way too big of a step outside and his anxiety would burst out at any second. 

 

It really struck Steve hardly. He was on a date with his crush. Who also happened to be his good friend who had no idea Steve had a crush on him – well, now he did, because Steve told him. Steve had told him about his crush. And now Steve was hiding in the toilets, almost on the verge of having a mental breakdown. He broke out in cold sweat, his anxiety pills finally kicking in and making it easier for him to gather up his thoughts. 

 

He sat up, flushed the toilet – he hadn’t even done anything, he just didn’t want anyone to think about him not flushing the toilet – and went to wash his hands outside of the stall. It was a very good thing to do, he was sweating buckets and luckily his deodorant hadn’t betrayed him. He stayed there, leaning on the sink, for a minute before getting his shit back together and walking back to Bucky. Their food had come, finally, and Bucky was there waiting and looking miserable. He was probably just starving and waiting for Steve to come back so he could eat. 

 

”Are you okay?” Bucky asked, starting to eat his food. He had ordered some vegetarian lasagna, that looked really good. Steve had some pasta, he didn’t want to order something he had never eaten before, and the menu was in french– he was too scared he would get like, alive crabs or something like that. But Steve had been in the restaurant before, and he knew the pasta was amazing, so he didn’t mind the simple food. 

 

Steve’s thoughts were racing, again. He didn’t know if the date was an actual date, or if it was just a normal night eating outside. He really wanted it to be a real date, so he considered it one. But he wanted to know what Bucky was thinking about it, but he couldn’t just ask him, could he? Maybe Bucky now secretly hated him. Maybe he just wanted to leave as quickly as he could and never talk to Steve again. 

 

”Yeah, I’m alright. Just… thinking.” 

 

Bucky laughed. ”You’re always thinking, sweetheart. What are you thinking about this time?”

 

Steve couldn’t shut his mouth quickly enough. ”Is this a real date or not a real date?”

 

”It’s a real date, don’t worry,” Bucky reassured Steve and made his heart flutter. Steve was on a real date with James Barnes. They were on a real date. If Steve had been an outsider and this would have been a movie, he probably would have been fanboying and eating five tubs of ice cream.

 

”Good,” was the only thing Steve got out of his mouth.

 

After eating while talking a bit about everything, like politics and their favorite ice cream flavors, they asked for the bill, deciding to go get some ice cream elsewhere. It was a bit chilly night, but the sun hadn’t set yet so it wasn’t so dark yet. Bucky and Steve had a long fight about who would pay the bill, and after disagreeing on it for ten minutes, they just decided to split it in half, since both of them just wanted to go and get ice cream. 

 

 

Bucky was feeling the happiest he had been in a few weeks. For many reasons, but being on a date with Steve was the biggest one. He had been suspicious – well, not before Pepper had led him to a restaurant instead of a bar. Then she had covered his eyes. Why would she have done it if he didn’t know the person he was going on a date with? It all came clear, when he heard Natasha’s low voice wishing them a nice date, and there he was. Steve was sitting across the table, looking absolutely stunning. He was blushing very madly and had his stupid, but beautiful, smile on his lips. Bucky was mostly amazed by the fact Pepper and Natasha had gone through the whole things and hadn’t revealed anything.

 

After the dinner they got out from the restaurant and headed for an ice cream parlor. It was their favorite one, since the owner had realized most people wanted the fresh ice cream usually at night. Steve was shaking a bit from the cold weather, so Bucky pulled his jacket off and put it on Steve, who was very grateful but now scared Bucky would freeze, before taking Steve’s hand into his. They did that usually, too. Held hands. It was just something non-romantic and platonic for them – or it used to be, at least. Now it felt like millions of fireworks were tickling Bucky’s hand, the feeling spreading from his hand to his whole body. It had happened before, the same feeling, but now it was a million times more powerful and it made Bucky’s legs weak. Steve was babbling about the dogs he had looked up on the internet site of the local rescue dog shelter.

 

”I was thinking I could get one! I mean, I have steady earnings and it would do good for me. But I’ll have to wait for a few months so I can bribe Nat so she’ll be okay with it. She doesn’t like dogs, she’s more of a cat person. How can someone not like dogs?”

 

Bucky chuckled at Steve exclaiming about his love for dogs out loud. ”Are you getting a puppy or an older doggo?”

 

Steve looked thoughtful. ”I still haven’t decided. I’ll probably want to rescue every single dog there, but I’ll just like. Try to decide before going in.” He stopped for a second. ”It’s going to be hard, yeah. Definitely.”

 

”Hey, we’re here,” Bucky noted when they reached the ice cream parlor. ”What do you want? The usual?”

 

”Yeah, the usual. We could share it, though,” Steve said – very wild of him. Bucky was amazed by how much Steve seemed to be out of his comfort zone. He was certain Steve was secretly freaking out inside his head, so he tried not to do anything too sudden so Steve wouldn’t fully freak out. While Bucky was scared Steve would cause himself anxiety and cry about it for the whole night, he was happy to see Steve being so open and not so controlled by his anxiety.

 

”Hey, three scoops, please. One of strawberry, one cookie dough and one chocolate ice cream. Can I have it in a bowl?” Bucky ordered and paid for it, getting the plastic bowl and two spoons. One spoon could have freaked Steve out. ”Where do you want to go?”

 

”I want to go swinging somewhere, if that’s alright.” Bucky remembered one of the first times they ever met; they were in a park and Steve was there jogging. They had sat on the ground, looking around and talking about things they loved. Steve had talked about his deep love for swings despite of him almost always falling off when he got too high.

 

”Yeah, that sounds like a plan. I know just where to go,” Bucky nodded, and they started walking, eating the ice cream at the same time. Bucky fed Steve and Steve fed Bucky, slowly but not slowly enough for the whole ice cream to melt.

 

Steve pointed at Bucky’s lip. ”You have something there,” he whispered and Bucky tried to rub it off, earning a laugh from Steve. ”No, on the other side you idiot,” he grinned. Bucky tried the other side and he must have not got it off, since Steve came even closer to him and wiped close his lips with his soft thumb. It was usually covered in charcoal or literally any pencil he had just used, but tonight it was spotless from even any little evidence of him drawing. Bucky stared at Steve in the eyes, he had the most beautiful blue eyes. Bucky could have written a whole novel about everything he liked about Steve. His eyes, his lips, his whole face. Everything about Steve was so _Steve._ He wasn’t perfect. His skin was sometimes breaking out, and one of his teeth had chipped and he had never gotten it fixed. His cheeks had small freckles on them, so light you could only see them if you looked really closely. Steve had a scar on his cheek, apparently from falling off of a swing as a kid. But Steve was beautiful, Bucky really thought Steve was beautiful. He didn’t want Steve to look like someone straight from a beauty magazine, he wanted Steve to look like Steve.

 

”You are staring,” Steve whispered, waking Bucky up from his thoughts. ”What are you thinking about?”

 

”You,” Bucky replied simply, smiling and continuing their walk to the park. He threw the empty ice cream bowl and the spoons into a trash can he spotted and when they finally made it to the park, Steve ran to an empty swing and sat down. He leaned back, looking at the sky – Bucky did it too, only to see a clear sky full of stars.

 

They both sat down on the swings, not wanting to move. They didn’t talk, they just enjoyed the moment in silence.

 

When Steve was feeling way too cold, he stood up and walked a few feet to Bucky’s swing. Bucky stood up too, noticing the blonde shaking from cold. ”Sorry, I didn’t realize it would be this cold out here,” Bucky muttered, hugging Steve and trying to warm him up.

 

Suddenly Bucky pressed his hand against Steve’s cheek gently. Steve was a foot away from Bucky, and he just kept staring at his face. Steve saw the emotion from before crossing Bucky’s face quickly, as he breathed in and out steadily.

 

Steve felt his heart racing, as if he was running a marathon, as Bucky caressed his cheek with his thumb, warming it up. Steve wasn’t sure if it was only to warm him up. Bucky swallowed loudly, looking at Steve’s lips as if he wanted to kiss Steve. Steve wanted to kiss Bucky, that was for sure. He was freaking out inside, scared of everything – but in that moment it all felt alright. It felt as if everything would be okay. Steve felt himself licking his lips secretly, not quite grasping the thought of what was happening. He took one tiny step closer to Bucky, letting his hands get behind Bucky’s head. Steve stared at Bucky in the eyes. He looked so vulnerable, now a bit out of breath and suddenly certain about something. Bucky closed the gap between the boys’ bodies, tilting his head slightly and looking at Steve for consent. He wanted to make sure it was alright. It was alright. Steve closed the gap, now only a few inches, between their lips.

 

It felt like everything around them disappeared. Of course, it was neither of the boys’ first kiss, but it was their first kiss. Bucky held Steve’s face with his left hand, the other one wrapped around Steve from when he was hugging him. Steve had his hands in Bucky’s hair, softly stroking his hair. The kiss wasn’t demanding, it wasn’t in a hurry. They had all the time in the world, no one was there to stop it. Their lips were moving in almost perfect sync, their teeth collided couple of times but it was perfect for both of them. It was soft – Bucky’s lips were even softer than what Steve had imagined. He had somehow always thought kissing Bucky would be rough, but it was the most gentle and intimate kiss he had ever had. Steve felt Bucky smile during the kiss, and it sure as hell was contagious.

 

Suddenly, Steve pulled away from the kiss. He wasn’t on the verge of tears, but he knew he would cry if his thoughts got any louder. He knew this was the right thing to do – kissing and letting Bucky closer than ever before. He wanted it more than anything. He just couldn’t shake the destructive thoughts made up by his anxiety, and it was making him feel overwhelmed. He gasped, Bucky eyeing him carefully before holding him close to his body. Steve could feel how Bucky’s heart pumped blood with such a force he realised Bucky was nervous too. How could he not be nervous? Steve stepped back from the hug, his hand caressing Bucky’s face before he stuttered his apologies for tens of times before he turned around, the feeling of being choked getting worse on his throat. He was holding his anxiety back, he was holding the tears from coming. It was like his body and anxiety were in control of him instead of himself. He knew he shouldn’t leave Bucky there, he wanted Bucky to stop him from going, he wanted something to happen so he would not go. He didn’t want to hurt Bucky.

 

Bucky didn’t stop him. And he left.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY SDJKNFdkjfrjic I hate me too
> 
> Okay but I just wrote this and the previous chapter in just a bit more than three hours I'm amazing ok
> 
> I'm going to go and finish my Harry Potter marathon now love you all <3


	11. Eleven

Heartbreak was one of the things that Steve had never experienced in a romantic way. Sure, he had had his heart broken many times. Steve’s worst heartbreak until now had been his mother’s death. This was so much different, however. He didn’t exactly know if Bucky wanted to talk to him, he didn’t know how much he had hurt Bucky. Steve hadn’t even touched his phone after he had sent Bucky a message, apologizing for his behavior. It had been quite sentimental, and only half of him wanted to know if Bucky had even read the text. Steve had poured out his heart and feelings, and the fear of everything he was about to get involved with. He knew he shouldn’t have just left Bucky there – even if he didn’t know what to do on a date, he was almost certain that was not something you are supposed to do. Unless the other person would be a jackass, then it would be considered acceptable. Bucky, however, had been a complete gentleman. That made it unacceptable.

 

It had been three days since their date. Since he had last talked to Bucky. Steve knew it was his fault, so he would have to be the one to clean up the mess. He didn’t expect Bucky to come up with a solution to his problem, he was on his own. He wasn’t as spontaneous as he wanted to be, so it had taken three days to create a plan while killing people off on The Sims. Steve _knew_ this was a mess he would regret not cleaning up, so he finally turned on his phone – no new messages from anyone but Natasha. Bucky had read the text Steve had sent him, but he hadn’t replied to it.

 

 _Natasha._ She had been more furious than ever before when Steve got home alone, on the verge on an anxiety attack and unable to tell her what had happened. She would have listened then, when Steve couldn’t tell, but now that he could have told? She didn’t listen. All she did was make sure Steve was okay, but whenever he even mentioned Bucky, she got really angry. Her face seemed to match her red hair, and thus Steve learned how not to mention Bucky anymore. She was there for Steve usually, she would listen to everything Steve had to say. This time she wouldn’t even try to listen even for a second if she heard the brunette’s name to be even mentioned briefly with the context something else than the previous events in Steve’s life. She was stubborn like that. She made sure Steve would be alive and fine, but she didn’t make sure she wasn’t making it worse for Steve.

 

On day four, after no sleep at all, Pepper came by. She brought Steve some chinese food, his favorite. No wonder who told her that. Steve, looking at the contents of the paper bag more carefully, discovered a paper note inside. It was ripped out from a notebook, so it didn’t seem to be from anyone else than Pepper. After five minutes Steve excused himself to go and eat in peace. He was more eager to read the note, hoping it would be something about Bucky. It was.

 

_He misses you and he really does not hate you. He wants to see you more than anything._

 

It was all it took to get Steve to take a proper shower and dress up in something else than Bucky’s clothes. He was wearing the jacket, which he hadn’t remembered to give Bucky before he had abandoned him in the park, all the time. It still sort of smelled like Bucky and it was warm. Sure, his jackets were warm too, but this one was definitely a hundred times better than any of his own jackets.

 

He knew he had to go see Bucky, and he knew he had to apologize in person, not just with some pathetic message. He had fucked up and he didn’t expect Bucky to forgive him. Steve was sure about on thing, however. If he wouldn’t get over his anxiety and try to do something so Bucky would eventually forgive him; he would lose Bucky. Steve had realized, that the longer he waited for his anxiety to go away, the worse it actually got. And that’s why he needed to do something right away.

 

The blonde made his way out, telling Nat he was heading to a cafe to draw. He did that more than usually. If she knew where he was really going, she’d have gotten overly protective and Steve didn’t want that. He sometimes hated how stubborn Natasha could be. He loved her more than anything, but this kind of stuff annoyed him. Steve quickly walked to a nearby flower shop, getting a dozen of red roses. He knew it was the most cliche thing to do, but he couldn’t help it. He went through his backpack, making sure he had a brand-new copy of _The Picture of Dorian Gray._ Bucky had been complaining for weeks about dropping his last one to the water while he was taking a bath and reading it, so Steve knew just what to get him. Another addition to Bucky’s enormous collection of books. Bucky was one of those rare people, who had read every single book they owned. Bucky had read all of his books twice, actually. It was quite admirable, speaking honestly.

 

After knocking on Bucky’s door for five times and waiting for two minutes after it, Steve was almost certain about Bucky not being home yet. He quickly found the spare key and made his way inside, finally making sure Bucky really wasn’t there, sleeping or anything. It was easy, since he lived in a small-ish three-room apartment with a huge bathroom and a kitchen. Once Bucky had explained he didn’t really have money to live there, but Tony paid for everything and that was how Bucky could manage. He had lived with Tony until Tony and Pepper had moved in together, so Tony apparently felt sorry for leaving him alone and now Tony had been paying Bucky’s rent for years.

 

Steve wandered around the kitchen for a while, trying to decide what to do. His original plan, the one he had done while playing The Sims, was now out of his reach and he couldn’t remember what he had written. It had started with something else than Steve sneaking into Bucky’s apartment, too. Soon enough he decided he was just wasting time and he started to bake pancakes, knowing Bucky loved his pancakes. It was the least he could do. By the time he was done with them and had written _I’m sorry_ on the top of the pile with melted chocolate, he was feeling extremely tired. Steve arranged some strawberries and blueberries on the top of the pile, making it look nicer than a usual pile of pancakes. Then he had everything ready, so he figured it would be okay if he took a thirty-minute nap in Bucky’s bed and then woke up before Bucky would get back.

 

 

When Bucky got home, he threw his heavy, book-filled bag on the floor and sighed, going to his bookshelf to pick another book to read. He was tired from working and being forced to be cheerful for the whole day, and he had quit his shift an hour early, claiming to be sick. He _was_ sick, sick of trying to manage all the rude customers. Bucky hadn’t done anything much for the past few days, just some reading. He had read almost non-stop, only stopping to eat something every now and then. He was trying to distract himself, but he knew it wasn’t a good thing to do in the long run. He had wanted to go say hi to Steve more than anything, but he decided not to. It was Steve who had to approach Bucky, not the other way around.

 

Bucky wasn’t even sure if Steve wanted to see him anymore. Steve had just left the park, leaving Bucky there. He was hurt. Bucky knew it was probably because of Steve’s anxiety or something, but hell, he was hurt. As the time went by and he didn’t even crash into Steve when he lingered in the library for as long as he could without it being suspicious, he realized how much he missed the blonde. He didn’t care if Steve had hurt him, he just missed the man. Bucky knew, although, that he wouldn’t have freaked Steve out if they hadn’t kissed. And he knew he would probably feel a lot more hurt once he would see the blonde, but it was nothing they couldn’t work out together.

 

Just when Bucky was getting settled down on an armchair, he noticed a light on in the kitchen. Bucky never left lights on when he left his apartment, and he hadn’t been in the kitchen after he got home. He went to the kitchen and there was a pile of pancakes and a wrapped present on the table. He chuckled soundlessly, going to his bedroom – the only person who possibly would have done that was Steve. And if Steve hadn’t left, he would be in Bucky’s bedroom, since Bucky’s living room was apparently way too dusty, probably because Bucky never actually got rid of the dust covering his books. And there Steve was, sleeping on Bucky’s bed, hugging a pillow tightly to his chest. His hair was a mess and he hadn’t shaved in what looked like a few days. Neither had Bucky. The brunette went down to his knees to look at Steve more closely. The bags under his eyes were more prominent and darker than usually, but he didn’t look much different from normal.

 

Bucky accidentally lost his balance, waking Steve up in the process of trying _not_ to wake him up. ”Bucky?” He slurred out, still half asleep. He seemed to wake up a bit more due to Bucky’s soft laughter. ”I really fell asleep, didn’t I?” Steve chuckled, his eyes fluttering in the light and a yawn escaping his mouth. ”Sorry. Was supposed to sleep for a bit and then surprise you so… surprise,” his voice was deep and throaty from taking the nap. He buried his head into the soft pillow.

 

”It was a good surprise, I have missed you,” Bucky spoke doubtfully, biting his lip and hugging Steve. He was standing on his knees right next to his bed, his elbows resting on the bed. ”Let’s go eat pancakes, we’ll need to warm them up first,” Bucky joked. He wanted to just hug the blonde and never let him go. He didn’t even feel like talking about anything. But of course, they would have to talk – it’s never a good thing not to talk about something as important as this. Or more like, something that Bucky didn’t like Steve doing even though it wasn’t a huge deal. ”And then we’ll talk.”

 

A few hugs and lots and lots of pancakes later Steve and Bucky were sitting on Bucky’s bed. They were playing a card game, Bucky desperately trying to teach Steve how to play. Steve was way too mesmerized by Bucky to remember the rules. He opened his mouth. ”I’m sorry,” he started, his voice quivering. He wouldn’t back out now. ”I know being sorry won’t be enough, but I really am. I fucked up, and I know I fucked up and the worst part is that I won’t be able to promise I won’t fuck up again ’cause people fuck up all the time and I don’t expect you to forgive me right away or at all but I promise I didn’t do it on purpose –”

 

”I believe you’re sorry,” Bucky smiled, interrupting Steve and took the blonde’s hand into his. ”I’m not saying I’m not hurt, but people fuck up all the time. I fuck up things, too. Today I accidentally yelled at a customer when I had apparently put one teaspoonful too much of cinnamon in their drink and they were bitching about it. And it’s okay to fuck up, if you don’t do it on purpose – which I really don’t believe you did.” Bucky grinned as Steve rolled his eyes. ”I’m not saying you’re totally forgiven, it’ll take a lot more of books and pancakes –” Steve’s glare stopped Bucky and made him laugh. ”Just kidding, you’re forgiven, I guess. Just, try not to escape the next time I kiss you? Or at least tell me fifteen minutes before so I can prepare myself for it.”

 

Steve smiled at Bucky and closed his eyes. ”I didn’t even know I would freak out. I wanted that kiss and it was truly amazing, I just think the whole moment was a bit too much. I’m sorry”

 

”Okay, so less romantic moments for Steve,” Bucky joked and hugged Steve again. ”I really like you, you know.”

 

Steve blushed, Bucky’s face was really close to his – Steve could see his own reflection in Bucky’s soft, warm brown eyes. ”I really like you too.”

 

Suddenly Bucky pulled Steve closer to him, locking his hands behind Steve. ”Hey what are you doing, Buck?”

 

He grinned. ”Holding you. The last time I kissed you, you ran away. Wouldn’t want that to happen again, would we now?”

 

”So you’re gonna kiss me?”

 

”Yeah.”

 

Steve had his legs wrapped around Bucky, as Bucky leaned in for a kiss. It was very similar to the one they had had last time, but this time it seemed to be much more happier. It was intimate, but this time Steve didn’t even feel like he should run away. His anxiety didn’t try to fight it, and he was able to throw himself into the moment. Steve was more relaxed than the last time, making Bucky relaxed too. When Bucky accidentally tickled Steve’s side, he shrieked and both started laughing.

 

”I really missed you –” Kiss. ”Like, so much.” Another kiss. ”That was the longest we’ve gone without even texting for the past… three months? I think. I’m not even sure anymore.”

 

Steve rolled his eyes without Bucky noticing. ”I figured. I was actually trying to figure out what to do about this whole thing but –” Bucky interrupted with him with a kiss. They were too busy, not knowing whether to talk or just kiss. ” – Pepper came to see Nat today and she gave me a note telling you miss me and all that stuff. And then I came here!”

 

”I didn’t even tell her I miss you,” Bucky now laid down to the bed, tired of sitting. ”She might just have figured it out, I wasn’t in the best condition. She’s smart.”

 

Steve frowned. ”I’m sorry –”

 

”I know you are, sweetheart,” Bucky hushed him with another kiss. They stayed there for the whole evening, talking and finally ending up ordering food, too tired to cook anything. Steve was glad Pepper had given him that note, he truly was.

 

 

Friday was a date night. Bucky had promised to pick Steve up for their second date at six, and it was now ten minutes to six. The brunette was standing outside of Steve’s apartment, a bouquet of white roses in his hand. He was still grinning by the time he knocked on the door, this time not just using the spare key. He wanted the whole thing to be more romantic, so he decided not to do it how he always did it.

 

” _So, a date tonight, in the evening?” Bucky asked Steve, his head tilted to left. Steve bit his lip softly. ”Come on, our first date was… alright at first, gotta have a second date to prove you I’m better than that. ”_

 

” _I don’t just hand out dates like that, you have to earn it.” Steve looked very stern and serious._

 

_Bucky grinned, getting off under the covers. He stood up from the bed, leaving to the bathroom. ”So we’re going?”_

 

” _Yeah, we’re going. You better make it worth my time, Barnes.”_

 

A minute or so later Natasha opened the door. When she seemed to realize it was Bucky, she appeared to turn even more red than her hair. ”What the fuck are you doing here? I don’t know what you did to Steve, but you’re not welcome here. Steve doesn’t want to see you, get fucking lost.” She was whisper-yelling, which meant Steve was probably there. She then ripped the bouquet of roses from Bucky’s hands and then slammed the door shut on Bucky’s face.

 

Bucky was beyond confused. Had he done something wrong? They had made breakfast in the morning, dancing to _Walking on Sunshine_ and he hadn’t even pushed Steve off of the bed last night accidentally. He hadn’t even stolen the blanket from Steve! He slid down to the ground, groaning in annoyance. Maybe Steve hadn’t had a chance to tell her about last night. He heard Steve speaking through the door.

 

”Was it Bucky?” He sounded happy. ”Wait, where is he?”

 

”No, it was… mmh, Wanda, yeah, she uh… brought me flowers!” Natasha sucked at lying, Bucky wasn’t sure why she even tried to lie. Why didn’t she want Steve to know he was here?

 

”But there is my name on the card, I’m not fucking blind. Why do you never listen to me? Me and Bucky worked it all out last night, we’re going on a goddamn date.” Steve sounded annoyed. ”And I’m leaving now, I’ll see you later.”

 

There was a moment of silence in the apartment. Bucky felt like he was intruding something, he actually wanted to go outside and send Steve a text he would be outside. His legs just didn’t seem to work at all. ”So what if Bucky brought you flowers and will take you on a date! He’s not any good for you! You’ve been a fucking mess for the past few days. How am I supposed to be sure it won’t end up like last time –”

 

”First of all, I was the one who fucked up things last time, not Bucky,” Steve sounded downright furious. ”And you don’t get to decide what’s good for me and what isn’t.” Bucky could imagine how he was pulling his hair out and maybe even slightly banging his head against the wall. _Bang, bang._ Bucky laughed softly, hoping it wasn’t heard.

 

”Why not? You clearly can’t tell yourself what’s good for you!”

 

” _Why not?_ You’re not my mom. You’re not my fucking mother even though you seem to have gladly taken over that damn place – but you are not my mother, Natasha. You don’t get to decide about stuff like this by yourself. Fuck off.”

 

”I’m just doing what’s best for you –”

 

”Well, don’t.”

 

Bucky knew how much Steve hated fighting with anyone. He couldn’t have imagined what it felt like to fight with Nat. She _was_ sometimes like a motherly figure for Steve. It was obvious why Steve was angry, however. It felt like forever until Steve finally, still ignoring Natasha, got out of the apartment and looked at Bucky. ”Sorry, I hope you didn’t hear a lot of that.”

 

”I… I’m sorry, sweetheart, I truly am. She’s just being stubborn.” Bucky got up with Steve’s help and smiled. ”You’re going to work it all out, I promise. But now we’re going to watch puppies in a shelter. One of my friends work there and he promised we could go, even though it’s not open on Fridays.”

 

Steve had the biggest and goofiest smile on his face as they made their way to the shelter. They had to take the bus there, but the ride wasn’t very long and they talked about Bucky’s studies and that one space documentary Steve had watched the other day. Bucky still had one year left of studies before graduating with an English degree, and he was quite happy about it. He told Steve he might do some work as a journalist when he had his degree.

 

The shelter was quite small, but it was still full of puppies and older dogs, and even some cats. One of the dogs had had pups, and now there was a lot of them. So once at the shelter, Steve’s inner child got out and he soon was lying on the floor, tens of puppies sniffing and licking him as he squirmed around and laughed, trying to pet every single dog in his reach. Bucky’s heart melted at the sight, and he wanted to convince his friend to let Steve bring one of them home with him. Bucky sat down on the floor next to Steve, petting the pups as well. ”God, I love dogs,” Steve whispered, holding a very small one in his hands and then bringing it to Bucky’s face for a kiss. ”She wants a kiss,” he cooed, making the brunette laugh out loud, scaring the small puppy.

 

”Sorry,” Bucky whispered and gave the dog a small kiss, earning a lick on the nose in the process.

 

It was definitely their favorite date so far.

 

Going home wasn’t an option for Steve, so he stayed with Bucky. He could have gone home, but he really didn’t feel like fighting with Nat. Being with Bucky, more intimate and closer than before, wasn’t much different from normal. This time there wasn’t this _I really want to kiss you_ -kind of tension, and neither of them had to hold back the urge to give the other one a hug. It wasn’t any more different from normal, the kind of stuff they had gotten used to by now. By ten, Tony had called Bucky twice to ask him out for a quiet night in some bar. Pepper had apparently abandoned him to comfort a friend (which was probably Nat, Steve thought) and he wanted company. Steve quickly agreed after the promise of good chicken wings, being still quite sad from not being able to adopt the whole shelter at the second they entered the place.

 

”So, are you dating now or what?” Tony was already quite drunk when they got to the bar. Steve had never met him before, so he wasn’t able to really relax before having a couple of shots and a beer. Tony Stark was outspoken and even annoying, but he seemed to really care for Bucky. Steve knew Bucky trusted Tony with his whole life, so he tried to relax and not get anxious.

 

Bucky coughed on his drink. ”I don’t know,” he eyed Steve, who looked surprised. Steve didn’t like labels. ”Not yet, at least,” he winked at Steve, jokingly enough so Steve felt comfortable with it.

 

”Well, Steve, Bucky’s told me quite a lot about you. Take care of the little idiot, will you? I’m getting married next year and I wouldn’t want him to be alone.”

 

Bucky glared at Tony. ”Hey! You’re not abandoning me just ’cause you’re getting married. And I introduced you to Pepper, remember? You’re getting married because of me.”

 

Steve liked it. He liked sitting in a quiet bar, Bucky and Tony bickering like a married couple and being able to be _himself_. Tony nor Bucky didn’t force him to speak at all, and Steve spoke when he felt like he wanted to speak. The usual reason why he never really talked to people was the feeling of saying the wrong things and fear of being laughed at for speaking, but even if he did say wrong things now, they weren’t pointed out. It made him happy. An hour or so later, Steve and Bucky were in such a condition they had to take a cab to Bucky’s place. While Bucky was still capable of walking and talking in a way others understood him, Steve was well beyond that. He was so utterly wasted Bucky had never seen someone as drunk before. Steve managed to sober up a bit on the ride, and by the time they were back at Bucky’s, he was even almost able to walk the stairs on his own. _Almost._ Bucky had to steady him for the last six stairs, but he almost did it.

 

”I wanna kiss,” Steve whined as Bucky helped him inside the apartment. He didn’t give the kiss quickly enough, judging by Steve pushing Bucky against the arm chair, his movements still unsteady from the amount of alcohol in his body. ”Can I have a kiss,” Steve mumbled against Bucky’s lips and _god_ Bucky was in heaven. They made out for a while, before Steve managed to trip on his feet while standing still. After helping Steve up, Bucky took off his shirt and tossed it across the room somewhere. ”You’re pretty.”

 

”Thanks, sweetheart,” Bucky said, opening his hair from a bun. He wasn’t as drunk as Steve, but he still was quite tipsy and almost tripped on a pile of books laying on the floor. ”Who’s stupid enough to place books on the floor?” He asked, not remembering it had been himself.

 

”You,” Steve was suddenly back on Bucky’s side, holding his waist. ”Dance with me.”

 

There wasn’t any music, but they span around very slowly, just holding each other. Bucky slowly letting go of Steve, they made their way to the bedroom. Bucky had already undressed as soon as they got in, so Steve had to undress before hopping onto the bed, somehow getting on top of Bucky. ”You’re fucking amazing,” he breathed out.

 

Bucky liked kissing Steve. It wasn’t perfect, but they were getting better at their movements and the rhythm. Kissing drunk Steve was fun. It wasn’t as gentle as always, it was more hungry and heated. Steve even bit Bucky’s lip. Bucky wondered, if it could be like this while sober as well. Bucky felt Steve’s boner growing, pressing to his thigh. He blushed.

 

”Want you to make love to me,” Steve whispered, but Bucky got on top of him and placed his hand to the blonde’s chest.

 

”You’re drunk, we’re not having sex for the first time when we’re drunk. Alright?” Bucky wanted it too, but it wouldn’t have been the right thing to do. Bucky couldn’t possibly be one hundred percent certain Steve was ready for it, so he was going to wait until Steve wasn’t as drunk as he was.

 

Steve looked kind of disappointed, but Bucky knew he would probably be grateful in the morning. After managing to get up and turn off all the lights, both drunk men were able to fall asleep, holding one another. It wasn’t different from any other, normal night. Things not changing a lot was a good thing, and both Steve and Bucky liked it how things were how they used to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! this chapter is such a mess, I wrote it while my puppy was chewing on my toes so I was kind of distracted. Schools start in two weeks and I'm! Not! Ready! Like I'm literally a straight A's student and I'm finally beginning my second year in senior high school (I had a gap year before senior high so yeah) and I'm really not ready for this sen d help


	12. Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a slight TW: a much described anxiety attack between these marks **

Sleeping in wasn’t so bad at all. Even though he could sleep now, and sometimes even without nightmares, Steve never slept in. He would always get up before eight in the morning, no matter what time he fell asleep. Bucky didn’t like it, he wanted to sleep as long as he just could and Steve wiggling out of his grasp wasn’t doing anything helpful to his need for more sleep. Steve wanted to wake up every morning at the same time, he wanted the routine. He didn’t want to wake up two hours later than normally to a nightmare. He couldn’t let that happen, he absolutely didn’t want it to happen. He hated waking Bucky up with his screaming or him tossing around the bed. Once he had thrown Bucky off of the bed, and even though Bucky had just been concerned and not hurt at all, they didn’t sleep in the same bed for a week after the particular incident.

 

Steve didn’t quite remember when he and Bucky started sleeping in the same bed. It must have been a few, maybe three weeks into their friendship, when Steve was at Bucky’s and they had a movie marathon. Bucky didn’t have any spare mattresses, and his couch was uncomfortable, at least according to him, so they had ended up sleeping on the same bed. At first they had both been as far away from each other as they could. Bucky had his blanket and Steve had a smaller and thinner one, he had told Bucky not to go look for another blanket. It had been like that for the first few times. Then, one night Bucky had slept at Steve’s place. They had made dinner and danced to some 80’s hits, which they were always listening, and then Steve had made Bucky a nice spot on the couch. Bucky had insisted on letting Steve get his privacy, and Steve didn’t want to invade Bucky’s privacy – after all, he could have asked for it because he didn’t want to sleep next to Steve, just trying to be subtle about it. Steve, however, had had one of his dreadful nightmares, and Bucky had woken up to the screaming. They woke up next to each other the next morning, Bucky holding Steve’s hand in his, caressing the back of his hand with his thumb. Bucky knew about the nightmares. Steve had told him that one night they were drinking, a long time ago.

 

_Bucky was laying across Steve’s bed, an over-sized sweatshirt over his body. They had just woken up, to Steve screaming, again. Bucky’s forehead was puckered and his lips were tightly pursed together. ”Are you alright,” was all he could ask, as Steve settled down and sat down on the floor. It had been his dad this time, and he didn’t stop. Bucky had first tried to hug Steve, but as soon as Steve had realized he was awake, he had pushed Bucky out of his way and ran out of the bed. He had pressed himself against the wall, wishing he could be invisible and wishing Bucky wouldn’t ask him questions. He knew he should tell Bucky, but he didn’t want to be asked about it._

 

” _Yeah, just peachy,” Steve muttered, drying his sweat-drenched forehead to the hem of his shirt. ”Was my dad,” he continued, hoping he wouldn’t have to elaborate it._

 

” _Your dad? You’ve never told me ’bout him.” Bucky yawned and he sounded like he was about to fall asleep at any second. ”Come on, let’s get some more sleep and you can tell me about it in the morning if you’d like to.” Once Steve was back next to Bucky, their arms touching, Bucky opened his mouth. ”You keep having those nightmares. They scare me the hell out, you know. It’s like, one minute you’re having a peaceful dream and then suddenly you start crashing around and screaming – the screaming, it’s like someone’s torturing you. Have you ever thought about talking about the dreams to someone?”_

 

_Steve felt his throat tighten. ”Yeah, I’ve talked about them. It helped, talking to a professional. It was just too expensive, you know. I’d rather have my anxiety pills and food on the table, than talk to someone so I wouldn’t have trouble sleeping. Maybe I’ll go again when I have some more money.”_

 

” _Sounds like a plan,” Bucky whispered, finding out Steve had already fallen asleep._

 

Eventually, as the autumn went by and the weather got colder every day, Steve had been getting cold in the night. It didn’t matter if the windows were closed or not, he was always cold. And Bucky didn’t like having a shivering Steve next to him, so one night he wrapped his hands around Steve. They had woken up completely tangled with each other, legs and hands intertwined. Neither of them ever said anything about them sleeping together. They never talked again about Steve’s nightmares, if Steve didn’t first tell Bucky what they were about. That happened some times, not always. They never talked about cuddling, or how they split the spoons fifty fifty. The one who needed to be held more was the small spoon, but they never talked about it. They never, ever talked about the one time Steve had woken up to Bucky having a wet dream – he had also screamed Steve’s name, but they didn’t talk about that either. And they didn’t talk about the time when it was the other way around, Steve having a dirty dream. It just was something they did. It didn’t need to be talked about, it wasn’t anything special. It was just something between them, and Natasha, who sometimes walked in on them. And they both had thought the other one thought it was just a platonic thing, while thinking about it being anything else than platonic.

 

So when it had come out, that they liked each other, it struck Steve hard. Would they be able to cuddle like they used to? Would the whole thing change a lot? Would it be nicer, being able to actually give a good night’s kiss? What would happen?

 

Nothing hadn’t changed so far, expect for them being even more relaxed. Of course, it had been just a while, but Steve liked it so far.

 

Steve finally woke up to Bucky’s soft snoring, and snuggled deeper into the cuddle. He had been partly awake for a while, just thinking about everything and nothing at all. His aching head seemed to be an overdrive and for the first time in a while, it didn’t cause him anxiety to think about things. The beaming sunlight was making his head ache more, even though he had his eyes closed. Bucky seemed to be really deep in his sleep, so Steve didn’t think he would wake up if Steve struggled his way out of Bucky’s tight grasp and go to the bathroom. Wrong. Bucky woke up, tightening his hands around Steve and muttering something about not leaving.

 

”But I have to pee,” Steve whined softly, his head aching more and more every second. He pressed his face to the crook of Bucky’s neck, breathing out. ”And I really, really need to get some painkillers –” Bucky, half asleep, pointed, supposedly, at the chair Steve used as a bedside table. It had a water bottle and two painkillers on it, apparently waiting for this moment. Steve reached out to get them, his limbs aching for some reason, and soon he was back, relaxed in Bucky’s arms after swallowing the few pills. ”Thanks, Buck.”

 

”You’re welcome,” Bucky yawned out, smiling. ”How are you feelin’?”

 

Steve thought about it for a second. ”Peaceful. I mean, I’m kind of hurting everywhere and I don’t even know why and especially my head’s aching but I’m feeling peaceful.”

 

”That’s good,” Bucky bit his lip. ”And you tripped over your feet a few times, and you fell down the stairs too. Wait, what do you remember from last night?”

 

Steve groaned. ”God, I should never drink too much – I swear, I’m gonna die from like, trying to pet a bear some day when drunk.” Bucky laughed, knowing it was quite true. ”And I don’t remember much, I mean, I distantly remember getting back here but that’s it. Did something happen?”

 

”Well, at some point you laid down to the ground, outside, because you wanted to be a rock. And then you wanted me to fuck you, and I think that’s a good summary of last night.” Steve blushed more than he ever had before. ”But it’s alright, we didn’t have sex. You were so drunk I couldn’t have been sure if it was completely consensual.”

 

”Thanks,” was all Steve muttered, really embarrassed because of his actions. He would never drink again, never ever again. He wiggled his way out of the bed and noticed a trail of his clothes on the floor, picking them up and putting them on. He was feeling really embarrassed by his actions. God, they weren’t even dating! _Yet,_ a small voice in Steve’s head said, making him grimace. It wasn’t like he didn’t want commitment and a relationship, he wasn’t just ready for it.

 

Bucky seemed to realise how embarrassed Steve was about the whole thing, so he stood up and stretched. ”So, breakfast? I kind of feel like getting pizza or something really greasy.”

 

Steve bit his lip, not looking toward Bucky. ”I’m gonna take a shower real quick,” he muttered and escaped to bathroom, trying to ignore Bucky asking if he was alright. He was alright, he was just too anxious to be around anyone. He just needed to cool down and get his mind in control.

 

******

 

When he had locked the bathroom door, he slid down to the floor, a couple of tears escaping his eyes as his chest felt tighter than it had in a few days. He knew he couldn’t fight off this one without his medication, so he stood up clumsily, his legs feeling weak. He looked through every cabinet in the whole bathroom, but he couldn’t find anything expect for one empty pill bottle. _Fuck._ Sure, it was Bucky’s place, but he was sure he had left a full bottle of his anxiety pills there. Steve felt like he was going to hyperventilate, so he quickly undressed and got into the bath tub, turning on the shower as cold as it could be. He started crying, and he hoped that the water drowned all of the muffled screams he let out as he started to panic.

 

Steve knew he liked Bucky. It wasn’t that, it was the things Bucky would eventually want. He would want a relationship, he would want someone he can take to a party, someone that won’t start crying when talked to. Steve was just afraid he wasn’t enough, and it was making his head a too tight of a place.

 

” _Fuck,”_ Steve cried out, pulling his hair and actually ripping off a bit of his hair. It was the least of his concerns, as Bucky knocked on the bathroom door. ”Fuck,” Steve muttered again, ignoring the knocks and ignoring Bucky talking outside, trying to catch his attention.

 

Then it hit him. It felt like a punch in the stomach, it felt like someone strangling him. The hot hands of anxiety on his throat made it harder for him to breathe. And the more Steve thought about breathing, the harder it got. He felt like a wave was washing over him, the cold water from above not making it any easier this time. Steve acknowledged crying out about his anxiety pills, he knew he was screaming. He was screaming about not being able to breathe, and he couldn’t stop it. It was too overwhelming, he felt the tub was filling and he was mostly under the freezing cold water. It didn’t help. He was totally, and completely under the control of his anxiety and he just lost the grab of reality, not realizing anything that happened. He heard a voice inside his head, his own voice, yelling about him not being enough. He could never be enough, he had never been enough.

 

He didn’t notice Bucky had picked the lock and he was turning off the shower. Steve didn’t notice he didn’t ask for permission to touch when he was panicking, but to him it seemed like he wasn’t even there. Steve had stopped crashing around, he was just letting out muffled screams and cries, covering his ears. He didn’t notice Bucky pulled him out of the tub, and he didn’t notice the fact it was him who wrapped him inside a few towels.

 

It was a moment of weakness. Steve had been dealing with the attacks for a long time, he should have been able to fight it on his own. He was just fine on his own. He kept staring forward, not letting his gaze meet Bucky.

 

******

 

”Steve, can you hear me,” Steve heard someone talk clearly right beside him. He couldn’t speak, his mouth wouldn’t open. He couldn’t nod to give a signal he had heard, so he blinked once, making it a very obvious action.

  
”Oh yeah, the blinking thing,” the blonde heard, now the talk seeming like he was in a cloud and everything was muffled. ”One blink is for yes, two is for no. Right?”

 

_Blink._

 

”Are you hurt?”

 

_Blink. Blink. Blink._

 

”What’s three blinks? It’s sort of a I don’t know?”

 

_Blink._

 

”Okay, Steve. Do you need help?”

 

Steve thought about it. He needed his meds. _Blink._

 

”Do you need water?”

 

 _Blink. Blink._ Steve couldn’t even imagine trying to swallow anything, his throat was burning.

 

”Do you need your meds, Steve?”

 

_Blink._

 

”D’you have any left?”

 

 _Blink. Blink._ And then a hesitating third one.

 

”Okay, I’m going to go look for some, will you be alright alone?”

 

_Blink. Blink._

 

”Okay, I’m not going. It can wait. Do you want a hug?”

 

_Blink. Blink._

 

Steve didn’t want a hug, he was feeling like he would suffocate any minute. Bucky realised it too. ”Ignore last question, do you want me to hold your hand?”

 

_Blink._

 

Then Bucky was there, holding Steve’s hand. It was scary for him, Bucky had never seen Steve like this before. They had known each other for quite a long time, but he had never actually seen Steve get an attack. Like, he knew sometimes when Steve would disappear to the bathroom or balcony or anywhere, and come out with bloodshot eyes and a bit sweaty hair, he knew Steve had had an attack. What scared him the most was the feeling of being utterly useless. He could just sit there and hold Steve’s hand, and do nothing to make Steve feel better.

 

What Bucky didn’t know was the effect of him holding Steve’s hand. It was the one thing that made Steve get down from the clouds, that made the loud voices disappear and it made Steve stop shaking.

 

”I’m sorry,” was the first thing the blonde managed to say, his voice very rough and quiet.

 

Bucky frowned and gave Steve’s hand a tight squeeze. ”You’ve got nothing to be sorry about, sweetheart, ’s alright.”

 

Steve started crying. ”But I’m a fucking mess, why do you put up with me?”

 

”Steve, everyone’s a mess. Some people are more of a mess than others. But being a mess isn’t necessarily a bad thing – it just means that you feel things, it just means that you’re alive. You’re not weak, you’re really strong. You went through that, and I was outside the door, petrified by your screams – fuck, you’re really strong. And what do you mean, put up with you? It’s not putting up, it’s just something that comes with you. And if you really want to call it putting up with you, then I’m glad to be the one who gets to put up with you. But, the anxiety’s a part of you, you know? And I don’t want just some parts of you, I don’t want to exclude anything about you. I want all of you in my life, okay? So don’t be sorry, sweetheart, it’s all okay,” Bucky rambled, not knowing if it would make Steve feel better or worse. He hoped for the first option.

 

Steve felt like someone had taken all of the pressure off of his chest. ”Thank you,” he said quietly and stared into Bucky’s eyes.

 

A few days went by. Steve wouldn’t talk about the attack.

 

Three days. Bucky didn’t try to talk about it. Steve and Natasha stopped fighting, and everything was alright with them soon. Steve baked cookies with Bucky for Natasha, and then the three of them and Wanda, who Nat was seeing, had a movie night.

 

Five days. Everything was back to normal in five days, and Bucky didn’t even remember the whole thing – only bits and pieces.

 

A week. Steve was annoyed at himself, for not being able to tell Bucky about the attack. He didn’t want to let his quard down, he didn’t want to lower the walls any more.

 

Nine days. It took nine days for Steve to sit Bucky down in Bucky’s kitchen, fiddling with the sleeves of his – Bucky’s – sweater.

 

It was silent, not an awkward silence, but still something that needed to be filled. 

 

”What do you see in your future? Like, within this year.” Steve held a breath when Bucky thought about it.

 

”I see a lot of christmas presents and –”

 

”I’m talking about us, love.”

 

”Well, I see us. Not in a relationship, not yet. I know you’re not ready for it, but truth be told neither am I. Not yet, we’ll go slow. I can imagine us on Christmas, I already have a present for you,” Bucky grinned. ”What about you?”

 

”I see the same thing,” he bit his lip. ”But, am I good enough for you?”

 

”Why would you ever think you’re not good enough for me?”

 

”I don’t know, it was why I had the attack last time you saw it.”

 

Bucky sighed and took Steve’s hand. ”Sweetheart, I’m not good enough for _you_. You’re the one person who deserves the whole world. If it was up to me, I would get you everything you’ve ever wanted. The moon, all of the stars, all of the flowers; especially yellow ones, your motivation and a will to live,” Bucky added the last two meant as a joke, getting Steve to laugh. ”I’d give you all the pretty poems, all the stories written about hurt and comfort. I’d get you anything.” _Damn you Bucky and the way how you can use all of the right words and make me weak,_ Steve thought.

 

”You’re cheesy,” Steve laughed, and took a sip of his cooled down coffee.

 

”I’m lots of things.”

 

And he sure as hell was, Steve thought. James Barnes sure as hell was lots of things.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm sorry it's taken me a while to write a new chapter, I've been having a drink(ing binge for three days) and me n my crush have been working some things out and your favorite gal might even have a girlfriend at some point in the future! (I have too much trust issues and a fear of commitment so...) 
> 
> But anyway! I wanted to thank everyone who has taken time to read this story. It really means a lot to me. I want to thank everyone who's given kudos and even commented, it makes me so happy. I usually write when I'm anxious or when I just need to get my thoughts off of my life, and it's really amazing that some people actually like what I do? It's so amazing, I love you all


	13. Thirteen

The hot chocolate was still steaming, even after it being untouched for twenty minutes and just left to cool down. The steam disappeared into the cold air, as it remained untouched. Everything around seemed to be in a dream, a sort of a soft pastel nightmare. The trees were bare, no leaves hanging from the branches. They had falled down to the ground weeks ago, leaving a crunchy cover to jump on to the streets. The frost covering the yellow-ish grass made everything seem like it was a fairytale instead of the bare, boring Brooklyn. It was still dark, only some light was seen from the horizon as the cold sun made its way up. Some street lights were still on, Bucky’s favorite being a broken one down the street – it had been blinking annoyingly for a month now. No one had come to repair it. Soon the hot chocolate didn’t steam anymore, in neither of the cups set down on the cold floor of the balcony. Soon the sun was shining a bit above the horizon, lighting up the empty city. It was already December, but it hadn’t been snowing yet. Everyone seemed to hope it would snow soon, but Bucky liked how everything was. He enjoyed the eerie atmosphere, he enjoyed how the city was slowly waking up from the dream when he was sitting there in the front seat to watch it happen.

 

A warm, big blanket was holding Steve and Bucky close to each other. It kept them warm, as Steve hugged Bucky from the side and Bucky wrote in his notebook, trying to catch his thoughts on the paper. It was one of the bad nights. Steve couldn’t sleep, and neither could Bucky. For Steve it was something that happened more than frequently, but for Bucky it was a rare occasion. It was awful, stress making his shoulders tense and his mind was a total mess. He didn’t know what to think, not even _how_ to think. Bucky wondered how Steve did it. Even the city was asleep, but Bucky was not.

 

So, they were just laying on Steve’s balcony, a few candles burning, the wind was trying to blow them off, and the hot chocolate in their mugs getting colder and colder. Steve had put on some easy-going indie music, something really soothing. He was drawing patterns to Bucky’s arm with his fingers, sleepily humming along with the songs as if he knew every single one of them. Bucky knew he didn’t know all of them, he just guessed how they would go, judging from the mis-hummed bits every now and then. It was peaceful, it was something so beautiful and peaceful and Bucky didn’t want it to end. Steve was doing stuff he hoped would get Bucky to fall asleep. Bucky would have to do school work as soon as his body decided he could get a few hours of sleep and then just be fueled on coffee. Bucky hadn’t had a sleepless night in a long time, and he understood how difficult it would possibly be, to not to sleep for so many nights a week. Of course, he couldn’t fully understand it, it was his first sleepless night in a long time, and this was Steve’s third in a row. He had had only a couple of naps by the daytime, but he still wasn’t asleep. Bucky wondered if Steve could sleep, but decided not to since Bucky couldn’t.

 

Steve’s hand was shaking. Bucky didn’t know if it was anxiety, cold or the lack of nicotine in his body. Steve was trying to quit smoking, and so far it wasn’t going well. He was annoyed most of the time, until he decided to quit trying to save the world and actually go for a smoke, and he got pissed off about even something really minor, like Bucky putting the toilet paper roll on the wrong way around at four in the morning while half asleep. Totally didn’t happen, by the way.

 

“Sweetheart, you alright?” Bucky’s voice was rough from being outside for most of the night. He was, just like Steve, wearing two sweatshirts and a hooded jacket over his shirt, as well as thick pants and some wool socks. He was also wearing a red scarf, mostly just to cover up a couple of purple love bites Steve had managed to give him, claiming they were an accident. And they totally weren’t an accident.

 

“Yeah, ‘m just freezin’,” Steve’s voice was slurred up from being as tired as he was, and Bucky took this as a sign for them to get inside. “No-o,” he dragged the _o,_ as Bucky tried to get up from the floor.

 

“Come on, you said it yourself already – you’re freezing, and we’re going inside so I can make you some more hot chocolate. With a bit more whipped cream than the last two cups, alright?”

 

Steve was like a baby when he was tired. Of course, it was really annoying some times – he wouldn’t go to bed, saying his nightmares would come back eventually, and it annoyed Bucky some times to the point he’d just stop trying to get Steve to sleep. Like last night. But Bucky also thought it was sometimes even cute, how Steve would scrunch up his whole face in displease when he was sleeping in a bad position, or how he got extremely cuddly and touchy when tired. And Bucky had told Steve it was annoying, the way how he was so annoyed sometimes when so tired, and they had talked it out, so it wasn’t a problem and it wouldn’t be a problem. They were open about things like that, and that was one of the reasons why 

 

“What would I do without you?” Steve asked, probably not waiting for Bucky to reply to it. The corners of his mouth turned upwards into a generous smile and he got up without any more resistance. “What would I do without you…” Steve hummed out, tugging Bucky closer with some help of the blanket still thrown over Bucky’s shoulders.

 

Their foreheads touched, and Bucky could feel Steve’s hot breath – minty fresh, Steve had brushed his teeth after going for a smoke an hour and half ago – against his cold skin and lips. He was quite certain he was blushing, Steve did that to him sometimes. Made Bucky blush just by being around him. Making Bucky hold his breath in, as if trying not to break Steve with breathing out. Steve made all the butterflies in Bucky’s stomach have a race. Just run around, making Bucky feel all tickly and tingling. And Bucky knew he did that to Steve too. He knew it by the way Steve was around him, smiling sheepishly. Getting all flustered when Bucky would bite his lip and/or wink his eye at Steve. Make Steve get out of breath just by giggling at something he said.

 

It made Bucky happy.

 

But Bucky knew he wanted something more, too, eventually. He wanted to get married some day, and he wanted two kids. One girl, one boy. Hell, right now he was happy just for being with Steve, he didn’t need anything else. They weren’t dating, and they hadn’t even talked about what they were. Bucky didn’t want to push Steve, he had known for the start that Steve wouldn’t be an easy person – but maybe Bucky wanted someone like Steve, someone who made it easy even if it was hard. Bucky wanted Steve, and he _had_ Steve. Even if it wasn’t official, even if he couldn’t yet call Steve his boyfriend, and even if it was just the two of them acting like they were in a relationship, but then again, they weren’t.

 

But it was enough for Bucky. He wanted Steve, and if this was all he could get for now, he sure as hell was going to be fine with it.

 

“It’s snowing, fellas. Go make me a snowman,” Natasha was sitting by the window in her and Steve’s kitchen, drinking coffee. “Fuck, it’s really starting to snow. Come look at this white shit!”

 

“It’s not white shit,” Bucky informed, running quickly to the closest window. “It’s very beautiful, small ice crystals, formed from the freezing of water vapor in the air. White shit is something that comes out of seagulls’ arses.”

 

Steve laughed. “You little shit, stop bragging about reading random pages from urban dictionary. You’re not any smarter.”

 

“But I couldn’t sleep, it was the best and most productive thing to do. Do you not agree with me?” Bucky faked an overly exaggerated frown and a sniffle. Steve went straight to reassuring the brunette of him being smart, earning a low chuckle from Natasha. “But really, can we go build a snowman? I’d really like to.” 

 

Steve agreed. 

 

Two hours later there was a really big pile of snow in the park, some grass patches here and there and a carrot stuck in the middle. Steve was trying to find big enough rocks to be its eyes, but it was already bad. The snow was too wet and Bucky’s fingers were freezing, the yellow wool mittens in his hands soaking wet. Steve had abandoned his in the snow a good half an hour ago, and his fingers were starting to look much more blue than his original skin color.

 

Bucky stared at the supposed snowman in disgust. It was ugly, _hideous_. Bucky felt like jumping on it until it was just an unrecognizable pile of snow in the ground, but Steve wanted him to take a picture with the huge snowball with a carrot and a few rocks.

 

“This is a likely scene, you know,” Bucky mused, snapping some pictures of Steve and the snow pile, his now bare hands freezing even more. He was writing a new novel, after abandoning the last one. It wasn’t his fault he got stuck and started a new one.

 

“Let’s make it a good likely scene, then,” Steve giggled, tripping over his open shoe laces and falling face first to the ground. “Don’t include that in it.”

 

“It’s definitely a part of it.”

 

“Jerk.”

 

“Punk.”

 

Both of the guys were standing there, snow falling slowly from the sky and making sounds seem to be a lot more quiet. Bucky’s grinning, his cheeks almost hurting from the wide smile, as Steve laughs and tries to get snow away from the insides of his sleeves before it’s melting. “How long have we known each other?” Steve asked, totally out of blue. Bucky had to think about it.

 

“We met in like, what? May? Middle-ish of May, I guess. So it’s been almost eight months.”

 

“That’s a long time,” Steve breathed out. “And I had a crush on you ever since the beginning, I think. I mean, I figured it out after months of knowing you, but I think I subconsciously knew all along. You know what I mean?”

 

Bucky nodded. He was now very surprised, and shocked – Steve wasn’t one to suddenly start talking about his feelings. He was the one person you knew would never talk about his feelings, even if it was a must. Bucky cleared his throat and shook his head, trying to clear his mind. “Yeah, I know. I figured out after the water condoms.”

 

“It’s been a long time since that.” Steve was now back in front of Bucky, slowly melting snow still on his cheeks and nose. He was smiling as if it was his favorite place, there next to Bucky. As if he was more happy than he had ever been. “And I’ve been thinking.” His breath was now uneven, as if he was nervous. Maybe he was?

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I – um – I like having you around.”

 

“I like having you around, too. Not going anywhere,” Bucky laughed, brushing some water drops off of Steve’s cheeks. Steve caught his hand and held it in his. 

 

“That’s not what I mean. I like having you around and I’d – I think we should be exclusive.”

 

It came out  very quietly, but Bucky was close enough to hear it. It was amusing, but it made Bucky’s heart flutter with happiness and he felt like he was the happiest he had been in a while.  “ Exclusive , huh?”

 

“Yeah.” By now, Steve was blushing so madly someone could have mistaken him for a tomato. It was adorable. 

 

“Well, I’d _love_ to be exclusive with you.”

 

It was something Bucky had _not_ expected in the morning, when they were laughing in Steve’s bed while Bucky was writing an essay and Steve was sketching Bucky. It wasn’t something he had expected when they were trying to make a great snowman, but it was something that he wanted. It wasn’t as good as being boyfriends would be, but what the fuck? It seemed to be everything Bucky wanted at that moment. “And we could be boyfriends, some day, too. Let’s try this first. Don’t want to accidentally recreate our first date in a much bigger scale.” Steve was frank about the whole thing, but he didn’t seem like he had even pushed his boundaries. It seemed like something he was more than willing to do for Bucky, and for himself. And that made Bucky happy.  “Want to go get some sandwiches and watch _Friends_?”

 

“Fuck yes, I knew there was a reason I lo-like you.”

 

Bucky had almost said it. He had said half of it, but he meant the whole word. He  _loved_ Steve. He couldn’t even joke about loving Steve for bringing him food in the bed without thinking about how not-platonic his love for Steve was by now. They had known  each other  for eight months – eight long months, eight best months in Bucky’s life. And for the whole time Bucky had been falling for Steve, just like Steve had fallen in the snow head first just a few moments before. He hadn’t stopped the feelings, he hadn’t run away. It was weird, for Bucky.

 

James Barnes wasn’t one to stay for feelings. He had had his first and only even close to serious relationship when he was seventeen and it had been with a girl who wanted to have a cool boyfriend as a reward for helping Bucky pass all of his exams. It had lasted for two months and Bucky hadn’t even had any feelings for her. Everything else he had had was just pure sex. Sure, some booty calling  at two am wouldn’t hurt anyone, but when that and having Tony Stark as your best friend? It worked out for him just fine. 

 

Now Bucky was feeling actual  _love,_ and even the bare word scared the hell out of him.  The wonderful ache in his chest scared him even more.  Everything he had with Steve was different  from anything he had ever had in his life before . It was a good different. Bucky’s mom  had been  over the moon when Bucky told he had an almost-boyfriend. Bucky, a twenty-five year old man, who had never had a serious relationship, was almost-dating someone he had never, ever even thought he would have a chance with. Steve didn’t scare the hell out of him. Damn, he made it easy for Bucky. Even too easy. Steve made it easy for Bucky to sleep in the same bed with him, no sex involved and much more cupcakes and pancakes and cookies involved especially in the morning after a nice night full of hardcore cuddling.

 

Sex. Steve and Bucky hadn’t even had sex yet. That was what made it feel so special for Bucky. He had always went to bed with anyone first, most of his dates always ended up in a bed. Or a bathroom. Or a dark alley. Whatever he could get. But now he didn’t even mind the fact he hadn’t had sex in a long,  _long_ time. Steve was good, Steve was making Bucky better. 

 

“I lo-like you too.” Steve grinned, as if he knew exactly what was going inside Bucky’s head. As if he knew Bucky wanted to tell Steve he loved him, but they weren’t even dating yet, officially, so it wouldn’t have been an appropriate thing to say. Not when there was even a slight chance Steve would run away with his arms just swinging around, trying to get away with a maximum speed. 

 

So they managed to get back to Steve’s, made a pile of good tasting sandwiches (after a small inconvenience including Steve, Bucky’s face and tomatoes) and managed to get into Steve’s bed, Bucky sitting across Steve’s things and all of the pillows Steve had behind his back. They had  _Friends_ running on, something they enjoyed. It was something different from what Bucky had ever had in his life, it was certain. 

 

A few weeks went by, and it was everywhere. The red, green and white decorations were filling up every street, every shop’s window and even their apartments. The Christmas spirit was everywhere, too. Bucky had found his old, red Christmas hat and he didn’t feel like taking it off, not when Steve was having fun with a similar one on his head. It was something that  linked them together, their enthusiasm for Christmas. 

 

It was still less than two weeks until Christmas, when they decided to go shopping for presents together. Obviously, Steve had his present for Bucky already wrapped up and hidden in his closet from Bucky’s curious eyes, but he hadn’t bought anyone else anything – neither had Bucky, so they decided to power through it together.

 

At the point when they were made to leave a clothing shop for making out in the fitting room, they had already bought enough presents to make the whole city glad.  It was a Saturday, and it was still snowing outside. They decided to stop for some coffee before 

 

“I don’t know why they were so serious about it, it’s not like we were having sex in there.” Bucky was huffing from annoyance, sipping on his coffee.

 

Steve giggled. “Yeah, we weren’t making any mess. You were a bit too loud, seems like we were distracting other customers and their happiness.  But we did manage to rip the curtain a bit. ” Rolling his eyes, Bucky stole a bite from Steve’s  apple  pie. “Hey! That’s mine,” Steve frowned and tried to look angry, desperately failing at it.  Bucky just smiled while chewing up the large mouthful he had stolen.

 

“I know, but I didn’t get any pie, and I don’t feel like going there and getting one. Yours is great, by the way.” Steve was glaring at Bucky, trying to cover his pie with his hands as if it was the most precious thing in the world – but it wasn’t that to him, Bucky was.

 

“Alright, alright, I get it. But you’re not getting any more cookies when we get back.”

 

That seemed to make Steve change his mind about not sharing the pie, a nd so they shared the small piece of pie and went to get another one  after a few minutes. 

 

Being with Steve certainly and utterly was different from anything else that had ever happened to Bucky before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating for a while, I've been really busy dogsitting for my parents' dog. He's demanding my full focus on him all the time and I haven't been able to write almost at all -- I just took him out for a three hour jog and now he's sleeping so I can watch Netflix too yay!! But anyways, I hope you're all having a good day <3 love you all


	14. Fourteen

It was a Sunday morning, the sun was shining above the snow-covered Brooklyn and Steve was sitting on the kitchen counter while Bucky was making an omelet for them both. Steve was reading the day’s newspaper – he hated to read news from the internet, since he had always read the paper. Bucky kept making fun of him, even though he did the exact same thing. 

 

So, after finishing the last article before the sports-section, Steve folded the newspaper neatly and looked at Bucky. He seemed to be really tense, and it was probably just school. His professors were pressuring him to do extra stuff for even more extra credit, even though he already had straight A’s. Before Steve even had a chance to ask Bucky what was up, he started to rant about it.

 

”Hey, remember that paper I did last week?” Bucky already sounded annoyed after looking at his phone. Steve didn’t smell anything burning, so burning food must not have been the cause for the annoyance – as he had assumed.

 

”Yeah. You were crying a lot while doing it because you didn’t have time to read the book for fourth time even though you could recite it cover to cover if you wanted to. Used up all of my tissues as well, remind me to get some when I go grocery shopping today.”

 

”Shut up, punk,” Bucky teased. He put away the spatula and pulled at his hair, leaning his back against the counter. ” _So,_ anyway, I got a fucking B minus.”

 

Steve didn’t understand what was the annoying part of it. ”But that’s good?” He asked carefully, knowing how much of a perfectionist Bucky could be sometimes.

 

Bucky let out a desperate huff, groaning. ”No, it’s not good! The goddamn professor’s all time breathin’ down my neck ’n never actually givin’ a thought to the fact that I could possibly be good at doing stuff!” He was downright furious, and Steve didn’t get why he was being so tense about it. ”One of my classmates, who spent half the time I spent to the fuckin’ paper, got an A. A fuckin’ straight A. And I got a B minus, I have all the fucking right to be mad. Like, I have no idea what I have ever done to him. And I read Matt’s paper, it was fucking awful. Like, _awful_ awful. It was as awful as a plagiarized paper would be, but it was written by him so it was even worse. _God_ , why am I even studying! I can’t even get a fucking A from that professor and I’m just so –”

 

”Buck, a B minus is good. You’re really good, but it’s not your problem the professor’s being a dick.”

 

Bucky was just getting more and more annoyed about the whole thing, so Steve hopped off of the counter and walked to Bucky. He pulled the green spatula off of Bucky’s hand and pushed himself in the middle of the stove and the brunet. ”Come on, baby, don’t let him get to you. You just gotta, like, write a passive aggressive paper about unfair people and give it to him to grade. Or something. But don’t let it get to you, B minus is amazing. _You’re_ amazing.”

 

Steve stared into Bucky’s eyes and smiled, earning a sigh from Bucky. ”You’re right. Or then I should just drop out after secretly misplacing some pins on his bright red, annoyingly soft office chair. You wanna help me with that? I can always count on Tony helping me if you’re not up for that.”

 

”Well, that’s kinky.” Steve shook his head. ”No, I want you to tell me why you’re really so tense about everything. God, you yelled at Tony for forgetting you guys were supposed to meet at three twenty-five, not three _thirty_.” The blonde tried to meet Bucky’s eyes, but he seemed to avoid any eye contact. ”Okay, food then? And then, after eating, I’m gonna give you a back massage. And your food’s burning.”

 

Bucky yelped and quickly went back to the stove after being dragged away from it by Steve. ”It’s not burning, you asshat,” he huffed out and decided anyway, that the omelet was ready. ”How much do you want?”

 

Eventually, after eating and getting back to bed, and after Steve had pulled out a bottle of vanilla scented massage oil. ” _Oh,_ you were serious about the back massage?” Bucky laughed. ”I thought you were only joking. I haven’t had anyone to massage my back since like, I don’t even remember.”

 

Steve shook his head. ”Just so you know, I am amazing at this. So get your shirt off and get on your bed.”

 

Bucky rose his eyebrow playfully. ”Very demanding.”

 

”Just do it, okay. I still want to watch the documentary about dolphins. And it’s starting in two hours.”

 

”You’re a dork.”

 

Sure, Steve was a dork, but by the half hour mark of getting his back massaged, Bucky was sure that Steve was the best massager, ever. Mostly because he knew Steve and it wasn’t awkward (as it usually is if the person massaging you is someone you don’t know).

 

”You’re so tense, you really need to stop worrying about everything so much, Bucket.”

 

Bucky groaned, completely relaxed as Steve kept on opening up his muscles. ”But I don’t know how not to worry, you know that.”

 

Bucky couldn’t see Steve, but he was sure the blonde was frowning. ”It just… you always seem to take up everyone’s stress and worries but you never really take care of yourself,” Steve started. ”I mean, it’s not a bad thing, necessarily. You just need to take care of yourself, too. You’re a wonderful person, Buck, but you just can’t hold the whole world on your shoulders. No one is able to do that, so why do you have to?”

 

”Are you saying that I care too much?” Bucky asked playfully, knowing what Steve meant by it. ”Sorry, I just, it’s hard. You know, when me and Becca were just kids –”

 

”Who’s Becca?”

 

Bucky turned around abruptly. ”Have I never told you about my sister?” He sounded somewhat shocked. ”God, what the fuck?”

 

Steve was shocked too. ”You’ve only told me about your mom and dad, I didn’t even know you had a sister… wait, you’ve told me about her! I just thought she was your childhood best friend or something, I must’ve missed you telling me she’s your sister. Sorry, Buck.”

 

Bucky groaned as Steve pushed him back to lay on his stomach. ”Anyways, Rebecca is my little sister. She’s five years younger than me – so whenever we were little, it was always us two. My dad was never really home, he was always… you know, out. And working. And mom was doing two jobs so we could have food on the table and a roof above our heads. It was… I don’t know, it was something. I took care of her, I made her food and sang her to sleep when mom was working night shifts. So, even when I was just ten years old, I took care of the whole world.”

 

Bucky heard Steve sniffling and then the mattress dipped down next to him. ”M’sorry your childhood was like that.”

 

”No, no, it wasn’t awful. I mean, I loved it – I didn’t know it could be better. I thought everyone lived like that until I was like, what, thirteen or something. And if I could go back in time now to change everything, I wouldn’t. I’m the person who I am because of everything that’s happened and everything that I’ve gone through and even if some stuff in past hurts, it’s not something you can just erase. You have to live with it.”

 

”You’re so sappy,” Steve joked and wrapped his arms around Bucky. ”Fuck, now my shirt’s all oily and gross.”

 

Bucky giggled and shook his head. ”Doesn’t matter, give me a hug.”

 

”You’re gonna shower first,” Steve grinned and stood up, only to get Bucky to stand up too and attack the slightly taller man with a monster hug. ”Okay, sure, if that’s what you’re going to do…”

 

Needless to say, Bucky regretted ever telling Steve about the places where he was ticklish.

 

That evening, Steve and Bucky were sprawled on Bucky’s couch, Bucky was reading a book and Steve was watching the documentary about dolphins (Bucky had no idea why, but Steve actually knew a lot about those animals). All of a sudden Bucky threw his book to the floor and grinned as if he got the best idea in the whole world.

 

”Let’s go on a date,” he said.

 

It started with a gorgeous bouquet of yellow roses and a pretty amazing batch of chocolate chip cookies the next Monday. Bucky was on a holiday from school, and Steve had taken a few weeks off of his job at the library, so it was okay for Bucky to show up under Steve’s balcony at three in the morning, god knows why.

 

Steve was half asleep, sitting on his balcony for a cigarette, and wanted to continue his sleep in his bed. But Bucky picking him up with one of Tony’s cars in a comfortable sweatshirt and skinny jeans (and some light pink fuzzy socks he had bought for the sole purpose of keeping him warm, according to him) was enough to get him out of his warm apartment, still wrapped up in a blanket. Steve had no idea where they were heading, but Bucky seemed to know exactly where they were going. Wrong.

 

Bucky drew out a dice and made Steve throw it. Once they managed to fish it out from under the seat Steve was sitting on, Steve threw it again, this time actually giving a thought to where he should throw it to. It was a three. So Bucky drove past four intersections, Steve not even noticing how Bucky didn’t drive along with the numbers the dice gave, and made Steve throw again, under three or three would be a right and above three would be a left. Of course, the directions didn’t match up to Bucky’s route either. But Steve didn’t even notice.

 

”What the fuck, Bucky?” Steve glared at the older man. ”Where are we going?”

 

”We’ll see.”

 

Steve gasped. ”You mean _you’ll_ see, right? If not, we’re going to get lost and then the tire’s gonna go flat and we’ll die out there –”

 

”Shut up, punk. Nothing’s gonna happen.”

 

And that is how they ended up driving for hours and hours, car filled with 80’s hits and Steve’s whining about being hungry (Bucky, luckily, had a few sandwiches with him) or being too tired (he took a nap) or just wanting to get where they were going to, which was a mystery to Bucky as well as Steve.

 

It took just two hours for Steve to finally get tired of just driving around, and when they actually got lost and ended up near a forest, he freaked out and threw the dice out of the window. ”No more dices, okay,” he panted out. ”Where are we going?”

 

Bucky laughed. ”You’re really tired, aren’t you?” Steve looked at him in confusion. ”I didn’t even drive the route the dice said I need to take, you did realize that?”

 

”… no,” Steve said after a moment of silence. ”So, where are we really going?”

 

”This place where me and Rebecca went a lot to when we were kids,” he replied, avoiding to tell the actual place. Steve gave up on asking when they got out of the car after putting on some warm coats. ”Come on,” Bucky urged, dragging Steve in the thin layer of snow.

 

The weather had got much warmer in the past few days, so it wasn’t really that cold even in the early morning. It was quiet, and Steve had absolutely no idea where they were or what they were going to do.

 

It was a small playground. It was quiet, no one was around and it really was small. ”It’s a really old playground, you know. My mom grew up around here, so we’d come here a lot. See –” he pointed at a tree in the middle of the playground,” – that’s where I broke my wrist when I was like, eight. I was trying to prove Becca I could climb up right to the top and then the branch I was standing on fell down.”

 

They ended up drinking some cold coffee leftovers and ate the cookies Bucky had baked for Steve. Bucky told him about his childhood. He told Steve how he had had his first kiss in the only swing in the whole park (the girl had been a foot taller than Bucky, and she had apparently managed to throw Bucky off of the swing after they had kissed really awkwardly and then he broke his nose) and he showed Steve his and Rebecca’s initials on the tree in the middle of the playground.

 

”I like these kind of dates,” Steve mused, his mouth full of cookie. ”Like, I really do.”

 

”I know,” Bucky answered simply, grinning. ”That’s why I took you here instead of a busy, expensive restaurant filled with people. Know you hate being around people.”

 

”I don’t _hate_ being around people,” Steve said quietly. ”I like being around you.”

 

Bucky rolled his eyes and moved so he was facing Steve. ”Fuck, I had a really, _really_ good speech prepared but now that I’m lookin’ at you I forgot it. I wasn’t even sure if I was gonna do it today, but I don’t know if I’m able not to do it now.”

 

The blonde giggled. ”What was it about,” he asked, tucking a few strands of hair behind Bucky’s ear. ”And do what?”

 

Bucky swallowed loudly and cleared his throat. ”Well, I was going to tell you about how lucky I am that I met you,” he started, his voice quiet and deep. ”And then I was going to tell you about how happy I am that you’re in my life, and how you’re a really amazing person and that you make my life awesome and –”

 

”That’s really cheesy, are you going somewhere with that rambling?” Steve interrupted, grinning from ear to ear and looking like his cheeks would explode if he smiled any wider.

 

”Yeah, um, I –” Bucky took a deep breath. ”I know we decided we would be exclusive, and I know you might not be ready yet,” he sounded nervous, ”but I’d really much like it if you were my actual boyfriend. No pressure though, we’ll go with a pace that you’re comfor –”

 

”Yeah, I’d like that too. Boyfriend sounds good to me,” Steve said, surprised even at himself. He wasn’t surprised Bucky asked, he had been waiting for it for a while – ever since the park and the snowman. He hadn’t yet decided what he would say, but he hadn’t prepared a speech about how important Bucky is to him, just for the case he would say no. And that said something. And now he had said yes, and his heart felt like it could explode with happiness.

 

Bucky seemed to be surprised too. And Steve was sure it was because of his answer. ” _God,_ I am the luckiest man alive.”

 

”Nope,” Steve laughed. ”I am.”

 

”So, huh, boyfriends?” Bucky smiled and leaned his head on Steve’s shoulder. ”Tony won’t believe me.”

 

Steve laughed loudly. ”Nat will probably laugh her ass off and then call you to make sure I’m not lying. She’ll just think it’s some sort of a joke – fuck, she’ll probably think you’re in it too. How can we prove her wrong?”

 

”She’s just gonna have to deal with it,” Bucky seemed to be unable to do anything but smile at Steve. ”Hey, let’s get back, shall we?”

 

”Yes, we shall, boyfriend.”

 

And then, before anyone knew it, it was Christmas Eve. Bucky’s mom and sister were going to come and visit later that day, and the whole gang, including Wanda, were sitting around in Steve and Nat’s living room. They were drinking eggnog and eating some pie Bucky had baked, laughing as they played cards. Natasha was sitting on the couch with Wanda, having a quiet conversation, Steve was on the floor with Bucky, Pepper and Tony, playing a good card game, which Tony said he was a master in. He didn’t win even once. Steve and Bucky had decided they needed a break from their friends, who just assumed they just went to make out in the kitchen (not incorrect).

 

Natasha hadn’t bought the whole dating thing, and neither had Tony. At first, of course. But after seeing Bucky and Steve together, just smiling at one another and having a nonchalant conversation about everything and anything, Tony was already convinced. ”Just look at them, there’s no way in hell they’re not in love with each other.” He grimaced. ”They haven’t dropped the crucial l-bomb yet, have they?”

 

Natasha shook her head and leaned back to reach Wanda’s hand. ”Nope, they haven’t. I bet you the first thing Steve’ll do once he realises he loves Bucky is that he’ll just… run away. Steve still hasn’t run away, so not yet. And he probably would have told me unless he’s just super embarrassed.”

 

”So, he really is afraid of feelings and commitment, huh? Wouldn’t believe.”

 

”I’m still waiting for him to freak out about this all.” Natasha’s smile dropped. ”It’s not like I want it to happen, I just know Steve. Last time this sort of stuff happened, he ran away the second his ex-girlfriend, Peggy, started to talk about love. These two have lasted for three times as long as any of Steve’s past relationships. So yeah, I’m waiting for him to freak out.”

 

But Tony didn’t seem to be so convinced. ”Have you seen the way Steve looks at James? I don’t know him that well, but my friend, that’s _love._ I bet you fifty bucks it’s Bucky who runs away first.” Tony was slapped on his arm by Pepper. ”Come _on,_ that’s not anything bad!”

 

”You, sir, are not gambling,” she warned him. ”And why are we even talking about who’s going to run first? Why are you waiting for them to freak out – what if neither of them freaks out?”

 

”Then we’ll have some good stuff to talk about at their wedding. But you know, I’m going to keep on waiting for him to freak out,” Natasha pointed out, grinning and taking a mouthful of beer.

 

”Waiting for who to freak out?” Bucky sat down, a cold beer in his hands too as Steve had apparently went off to the balcony to have a smoke. ”Tony? Yeah, he’ll freak out soon. Man, you’re getting _married._ How does that feel? _”_

 

”Yeah, my life is like I am living in a prison and I am shackled to one woman for the rest of my pitiful life,” Tony said sarcastically. ”No, I’m not gonna freak out. It’s gonna all go well, we’ve already decided the date and booked the venue and all. It’s all gonna be awesome. Pepper’s gonna look the most beautiful thing ever and we even booked that one place with big bathrooms so that –”

 

”But we’re not having robots as waiters and we will _not_ give everyone our sex tape as a thank you -note.” Pepper jumped in, sounding as if she and Tony had already talked about this a lot.

 

Bucky started laughing. ”You have a sex tape? I would believe Tony has one or two, but not you, Peps.”

 

”Hell yeah we do –”

 

”No, we don’t,” Pepper blushed and interrupted her fiance. ”We do not have a sex tape, Anthony.”

 

”Fine,” he huffed and took a sip of his beer. ”So, you and Steve, huh?”

 

”Yeah, me and Steve.” Bucky knew he was blushing. And he knew he was going to get much more questions, since he and his _boyfriend_ hadn’t yet told the whole story to the gang yet. It was surprisingly nice, having Steve and his friends together as a group. There were four sets of waiting eyes looking at him. ”Alright, _alright_ then. We were at a playground where I used to play as a kid, I tried to make a really nice and impressive speech to him –”

 

”It was more like random rambling about how cool I am,” Steve interrupted, taking a seat next to Bucky. ”And then he asked me and I said yes,” he finished the story and stole Bucky’s beer.

 

”Aww, that’s cute,” Pepper looked really happy about it. And so did everyone else in the room.

 

It wasn’t until later the same evening when Steve and Bucky found out about Natasha hanging, what seemed to be, hundreds of mistletoe branches to Steve’s ceiling. And man, Bucky was excited. ”Well, I would have kissed you _without_ them too.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY I'M SO SORRy I've been super busy with school things and I swear to god I'm drowning in essays and deadlines and everything and this semester started on Wednesday so like. Fuck fuck fuck 
> 
> but anyway! Since I have to study a lot, I can't promise you I'll be updating as usually as I have been, but I'm seriously going to do everything I can so that I'll be able to update, hopefully, at least once a week. But again, I'm sorry if I can't do even that sometimes. But anyway, love you all <3 and thanks to everyone who's given kudos and commented, you're awesome.


	15. Fifteen

 

Life was peaceful.

 

In fact, Steve's life was too peaceful. He was already waiting for something to break the bubble he was living in and wake him up to the harsh, real world. He knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up the great feeling he had about everything. Steve knew he would get his constant anxiety back, and he knew he would start having nightmares soon, again. And, even though he didn’t want to even think about it, there was a little voice in the back of his head. It was his own voice, telling him that everything with Bucky wouldn’t be so great all the time. They would fight and Bucky would hurt Steve and all sorts of stuff – but Steve, even though it was hard, didn’t want to listen to the sound in his head. He wanted to have faith in Bucky, and he wanted to have faith in _himself –_ he wanted to be able to not to run away from feelings. Not this time.

 

But the voice was there, in the back of his head, far too often.

 

Steve didn’t like to kiss in very public places like when they were shopping, or when they went out for coffee. Bucky would sometimes forget it and try to kiss Steve, who turned his head away just in time, blushing and anxious. He didn’t know why he didn’t want to show much affection in public, but Bucky was mostly okay with it. ” _As long as I can hold your hand, I’ll survive,”_ he had said. It was one of those times Steve felt like he didn’t deserve Bucky.

 

And he did think so. Steve was a mess, he was a complete mess. He wouldn’t pick up therapy from where he had been last time, and he knew it was hard for Bucky as well. Steve knew he would tire Bucky one day with it. Steve was certain of it, but he still couldn’t bring himself to call his previous therapist to ask if he could arrange an appointment. And if it was tiring Steve out already, it sure as hell was tiring Bucky out.

 

Christmas had gone by, and it had been amazing. Stressful as fuck, but still amazing. Bucky’s mom and sister had come by on the evening of Christmas Eve, and they were staying at Bucky’s place. It had been adorable to see Bucky around his family, how carefree he was.

 

” _James! Your hair’s grown so long,” Bucky’s mom gasped as soon as she had laid her eyes on her son. ”Have you even considered cutting it? It’s so messy, do you own a hair brush?”_

 

_Bucky laughed and hugged his mom. ”Ma, we haven’t seen in half a year and that’s the first thing you say to me. And my hair’s fine, alright. I’ll cut it for Tony’s wedding.”_

 

_Winifred gasped again and searched the room for Tony. ”Anthony! It’s been so long, how have you been? Getting married, huh,” she teased as she made her way to Tony to give him a hug as well._

 

” _Yeah, getting married. Winnie, this is Pepper, my soon-to-be wife,” he introduced Pepper to Bucky’s mom as Steve made his way closer to Bucky._

 

_Bucky cleared his throat and took Steve’s hand into his own. ”Ma,” he spoke. ”This is Ste –”_

 

” _Steve Rogers, Ma’am,” Steve introduced, holding his hand out for Bucky’s mom to shake it. Instead, she embraced him into hug too._ Very friendly, _Steve had thought._

 

” _Don’t call me Ma’am, Steve dear. Winifred or Winnie is fine, Ma’am makes me feel old,” she joked, and took another look at her son. ”How’s your studies, dear?”_

 

And it hadn’t even been weird, to have people around at Christmas time. Usually Natasha spent the holidays with her blood family, but this year her mom, for some very unexpected and surprising reason, didn’t want her home, so she had to spend it with Steve. Or that’s what Steve thought, even though she seemed to be very happy with not having to spend the holidays with her family. Steve was very used to spending every Christmas with a bottle or two of whiskey and a lot of ice cream. Christmas had been Sarah’s favorite holiday, and it was always rough for Steve to spend it without her.

 

But Steve managed to get through it, once again, and before he knew it, it was already February and he had applied for another art course – this time it wasn’t figure drawing, but more like an art school. And it was good for Steve, since his anxiety had gotten worse after Christmas. It was something to look forward to, it was something to focus on and to keep him busy.

 

Of course, Bucky was something to look forward to and focus on to and man, he was keeping Steve busy. After a month of dating, Bucky had shown a sort of a-bit-too-much romantic side of him, and insisted on taking Steve on a date whenever they had time. No matter if it was only a short walk in the park, holding hands and muttering sweet nothings, or if it was a very formal dinner at a fancy restaurant. Sure, Steve loved all the dates. He kept account on all the dates Bucky had taken him on – a total count of fifty two – and he couldn’t have been more happy with his life.

 

Steve spent more and more time on drawing and painting, and he and Natasha actually made their third bedroom, previously used as a guest room, into an art studio for Steve. Paper was covering the floor, and he had all of his art supplies in there. There were pictures of his loved ones on the wall, as well as clippings from newspapers, of some inspiring artists finally reaching their break-through-moments in their careers. And then there was a small paper with three phone numbers on it. It was from Wanda, Natasha’s now-official girlfriend. Sure, it had been a shock to find out she was a psychology major. But it had been more shocking, when she had given Steve three phone numbers for some cheap but amazing therapists. Two traditional talking type of therapy, and one for art psychotherapy. Steve hadn’t been able to even type the numbers to his phone, but he knew he should give them a go. There were three so Steve could go and see them all, and then just pick the one he felt the most comfortable around. Steve hadn’t told Bucky about it.

 

”Breakfast?” Bucky was already late, and he was tying his hair up. As he opened his mouth, Steve placed the sandwich inside and Bucky closed his mouth, holding the sandwich up before having his hands free again. ”How late are you?” Steve was chuckling at the hurry, and how Bucky seemed to forget everything and seemed to be going to three places at one time.

 

”I’m already ten minutes late, so I’ll be a good forty minutes late. _God,_ Wilkinson’s gonna kill me. Where’s my phone?”

 

Steve rolled his eyes. ”Your phone’s still charging, it’s on the bed. Your side.”

 

”You are a goddamn lifesaver, Stevie,” Bucky muttered as he quickly went to get his phone, before cursing about not finding his other shoe. So, when he was finally ready to leave, after Steve helping him to find everything and actually not forget anything very essential, Bucky gave Steve a hurried kiss and then, before stepping out of the door, yelling ” _I love you, bye!”_

 

Eventually, five seconds after stepping out of the door, and five seconds after telling Steve he loved him, Bucky realized he had to go back. It had just slipped out of his mouth, he hadn’t even thought about saying it. But it seemed to be on his mind every time he left, left to be unsaid, so it felt natural to say it. Only, this time was the first time he said it aloud. So, when he got back inside and stared at Steve, Steve was biting his lip and his cheeks were flushed. ”So, I said it out loud,” Bucky started awkwardly. ”But I meant it.”

 

”You sure?”

 

Bucky looked at Steve, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, as if Steve should have already known it. ”Why else would I have said it, then?”

 

”I don’t know.” It was honest, and Steve felt the need to say it back. ”I love you too.”

 

So, after Bucky’s second exit, five minutes later (five minutes spent hugging and kissing and saying I-love-you’s as many times as they could) Steve decided to go to his art room and try to finish his project. He was still attending the figure drawing course, and he had to make the finishing work. And he had found out he could do many, and that they were going to have an art exhibition of all the works. So, he had started painting Bucky. Not that he hadn’t done it before, of course he had! But working on two dozens of acrylic paintings of Bucky at the same time to make a collection of them? That wasn’t something he had done before. Bucky had no idea. He knew Steve was drawing him, since Steve kept leaving his sketches everywhere. Bucky’s favorite seemed to be the one Steve taped on a mirror in his living room, a sketch of Bucky taking a mirror selfie using the same mirror it was taped on. Bucky hadn’t taken it down.

 

Then, it finally hit Steve. Finally. Bucky _loved_ him. Steve knew Bucky had to really like him – everything wouldn’t have made any sense if he didn’t like Steve. But to actually _love_ Steve? Steve wondered what made him lovable. He had never even thought Bucky could love him – sure, he loved Bucky. But for James Barnes to love Steven Rogers? It was the most bizarre and unnerving thing. And of course, the thought about it not being sincere and real crossed Steve’s mind quite a few times – but it _was_ real and sincere and Steve knew it.

 

It was easy to love Bucky. It was like breathing or keeping your heart beating – it came naturally and so easily it seemed like he had always loved Bucky. It didn’t feel like it was forced or if it would have been a burden to Steve, like love had felt like sometimes before. It didn’t take any of Steve’s energy – it brought Steve more energy, it was like magic. And it was so funny for Steve to realize how different his life would have been if Bucky hadn’t seen him in the library so many months ago. Steve also realized how good Bucky was for him – he had started to get energy to get better. Not for Bucky, or anyone else, but himself. He wasn’t getting better for Bucky, even though Bucky was quite an amazing inspiration, but he needed to do it for himself.

 

Later that day, after a lot of painting and making food, Steve decided to go meet Bucky at the university. He knew where Bucky had his lecture and he knew Bucky was about to be finished with it, in half an hour. So he went, and waited outside of the classroom before a mass of people ran out of the door, Bucky not being with them. Steve wondered where his boyfriend was, before Bucky finally, five minutes later, came outside looking rather pale and anxious about something. _Maybe_ _it's because he regrets saying he loves you, you dumbass,_ Steve thought.

 

”Are you okay?” Steve muttered, going to hug Bucky – he didn’t hug Steve back. "I love you."

 

Bucky hesitated. ”I don’t know,” he said finally, and asked if they could go back to Steve’s after saying I love you back (and it sounded very anxious). For the whole trip back, he was quiet, and it was making Steve anxious too. The blonde had no idea what was in his mind and he wanted to ask, but he knew Bucky would tell him when he wanted to – or more like when he could talk about it. They didn’t talk even when they got back to Steve’s place. They didn't talk when they were sitting on the balcony, Steve drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette. But Bucky took one cigarette out of the small packet – that was when Steve knew something was wrong.

 

Bucky wasn’t exactly the person you’d expect to smoke. Hell, he hated the sort of burning sensation in your lungs when you took a bit too much smoke into your lungs. And he didn’t like the idea of ruining your body in that way. He knew Steve smoked because of his anxiety, so he had let it slip through his fingers. But this time Bucky was taking long drags and seemed to try to relax with it, and that was what made Steve so worried.

 

”What’s wrong?” It was the first thing Steve had said in an hour to Bucky, and Bucky looked like he had been expecting for the question.

 

”I, um...” Bucky seemed to be looking for words, as if he didn’t know how to say something aloud. It wasn't like what Bucky was usually like. Whenever they were talking about something, Bucky would sometimes stop talking for a minute or so. But it was usually when he knew what to say and how to say it, he was just thinking about how to say it so it would sound great. This time it was a pause that made it seem like Bucky didn't want to say what he was going to say. ”More than a year ago I applied for this… writing thing, in Europe. I didn’t get in, and I didn’t apply again. But apparently, my professor had sent them some of my writings and now they want me there.”

 

Steve felt his breath get stuck in his throat. ”When is it?” He cleared his throat. ”And how long will it take?”

 

”It starts in a month. And... the whole thing lasts for nine months.”

 

Bucky’s eyes were a bit watery and his voice was shaky. Steve tried so hard to get his thoughts together, he knew he wasn’t thinking straight. He knew the anxiety about it was making him think about all the stuff he was thinking about, like, _Bucky’s leaving me because I’m not good enough._ He knew this was Bucky’s dream, it was like his dream of going to Rome to be an artist and drawing people on Piazza Navona, eating fancy ice creams and sleeping outside on a balcony.

 

”Are you going?” Steve’s voice was very quiet and he sounded a bit out of breath, but Bucky still seemed to hear him.

 

”I… I don’t know,” Bucky said unsurely, and just like that the bubble Steve had been living exploded – and this wasn't exactly how he had imagined it would happen.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh mY god it's been such a long time
> 
> so: I started school again and I'm literally drowning in essays and other stuff and I feel like I'm dying?????? But I'll be fine I guess. Like, let's do some math. There's 168 hours in a week. I'm in school for 44 hours a week. So that leaves me 124 hours. And I'm asleep for about 60 hours of that -- so that leaves me 64 hours. And I have to study for like, five hours every day?? so that leaves me 29 hours. And I'm living alone, so I have to cook and clean and idk I'm just the busiest person ever. And I'm always painting so that takes a lot of my time too. But I'm still going to finish this, I'm not going to give up!! So don't worry. And I'm sorry for the cliffhanger. Love you all. 
> 
> btw it's my birthday today and I went to get my nipple pierced and then I went to eat out with my good friend I'm so happy


	16. Sixteen

”What do you mean, you don’t know?” 

 

Steve was feeling light-headed, as if he was way too drunk and wanting to vomit out all of the alcohol in his body. This time he couldn’t just do that – even if he did puke, it wouldn’t get that anxiety out of him. 

 

Bucky exhaled loudly and fiddled with his sweater sleeves. It was something he did a lot -- he was either stressed or tired when he did that, and Steve was sure he wasn't tired this time. ”I mean, I want to go. It’s my dream – if you got a chance to go to Rome and be an artist there, would you say no?” He looked up to Steve nervously, hoping the blonde would understand the whole thing even on some level.

 

Steve wanted to say yes, even though he knew he wouldn’t say no to it. Not if it really would happen to him. He wanted to tell Bucky he would stay for him. The truth was, he knew exactly that he should tell Bucky to go, to follow his dreams – exactly like he would do if he was in such a position right now. Hell, if he ever had the chance to go to Rome and make art there, he wouldn’t say no. Maybe if he was married and had kids and was really tied to Brooklyn – but now, he thought he wouldn’t say no to it. And he slowly realized it was Bucky’s _dream,_ he got the chance. And it was something he had been waiting for a much longer time than he had even known Steve for. And it was something worth the possible heart break and pain. But for Bucky to be so happy? Steve wasn’t going to fight the whole thing, not at the moment. He knew he would eventually break down and fight with Bucky, but at the moment he wouldn’t make a big fuss about it.

 

”I’d go,” Steve muttered quietly, lighting up another cigarette. ”I don’t want you to go, I don’t want you to fucking leave – but hell, even I understand that’s not something for me to decide. It’s your decision, Buck. And if you really do decide to go, I’m not going to stop you. I love you, but this is your dream. And I’m not going to stand in between you and your dream, and I don’t want you to just... abandon this opportunity, for me.”

 

”I’m not sure yet, Steve. You’re not the only thing I’d leave here for nine months – fuck, my family, and Tony, and everything. But it’s my dream to finally make my name doing something like this, you know that right? You have a right to be mad at me if I leave. ’M afraid you’re just angry inside and you’re not letting it out.”

 

” _When_ you leave,” Steve stated, already so sure Bucky would go. ”And I’m not angry. I totally get this, I mean, I’m still in a shock. This isn't exactly what I imagined would happen today.”

 

”Me neither,” Bucky laughed.

 

”When do you have to tell them your decision?” Steve’s voice was pained, and he knew he was slowly starting to take it in – if Bucky decided to leave, it wasn’t just Bucky leaving. It was also his own barely beating heart leaving with Bucky.

 

”Tomorrow, in the morning.”

 

And the next morning came by quickly. Steve slept in, hoping he would wake up to Bucky telling him he wouldn’t leave to France in a month. Hoping that Bucky would stay in Brooklyn. Hoping Bucky would do anything but leave. Steve was sure he wouldn't be able to stay in Brooklyn after it. He would need to get out -- and he had been saving money, he could afford to move somewhere else. Maybe Rome. Or Antarctica. 

 

Steve felt like he was hanging off of a cliff with just one hand, and not looking at his phone was a way to keep a tight grip on the cliff. He was slowly torturing himself doing it, but he just couldn’t do look if Bucky had already let him know what he had decided to do. He knew Bucky would have decided the thing by now, as his alarm clock let him know it was time for lunch. But Steve couldn’t even get himself up from the bed – he was trying to keep the last pieces of his non-shattered life tightly together, and he wasn’t able to do anything else but lay in his bed in order to keep himself together.

 

Natasha came in a few hours later. ”Have you heard from – are you taking a nap? It’s time to wake up, you fucker.” She sounded so happy, so Steve didn’t feel like ruining her day. He hadn’t told even Natasha yet. ”Hey, Steve, you okay? I know you’re not sleeping, you’re breathing way too fast. And if you were asleep, you would have woken up by now.”

 

”Let me sleep, Nat,” Steve muttered, his voice scratchy and sad and filled with tears. Steve felt the mattress dip beside him as Natasha laid down next to him. ”Go away.”

 

”No, what’s going on? James called me and asked if you were okay. You haven’t talked to him today?”

 

”I said, go away, Natasha.” Steve didn’t even have to look at his phone to know Bucky was leaving. Why else would he have called Nat to ask if he was okay? Surely, Steve would be okay if Bucky wasn’t leaving. And if he wasn’t leaving, he wouldn’t have had to ask Natasha if Steve was okay. And now that he _was_ leaving, he wasn’t going to ask him about his okay-ness soon.

 

Natasha just moved closer to Steve and as an instinct Steve rolled over, so that he was sobbing in Nat’s arms. ”I have to do something,” Steve said and took his phone from the chair he used as a bedside table. 5:46PM. No wonder Bucky was worried. And there it was. The much dreaded text message, waiting for Steve to read it and cry and panic and go hide in the corner of his room.

 

_I said yes. I love you, talk to you later? I’ll come by at seven._

 

The text message was enough to break Steve’s heart. And he had barely enough time to get himself together before Bucky would apparently swing by. So, that was something.

 

Steve was feeling ashamed of feeling so much. He knew, he was one hundred percent sure Bucky would go. He hadn’t even thought Bucky would stay, and he wasn’t staying. He had been right and now he was feeling like absolute shit for being right about the thing. He was _selfish,_ he wanted Bucky to stay. He wanted to be able to tell Bucky he wasn’t supposed to leave him and he wanted to tell Bucky he wanted him to stay. But he knew he wasn’t supposed to do that. Being-a-good-boyfriend one-o-one course he had had with Natasha, had a class about not making your boyfriend feel like shit for something they had no control about. But Bucky had all the control over this, and Steve was sure he would flip and just try to convince Bucky not to leave. Something he knew he wasn’t allowed to do.

 

So, when Bucky finally stormed in with Steve’s favorite chinese food dish in a paper bag alongside with one big black coffee, all Steve wanted to do was to hand Bucky over the mental Ted-talk essay he had written in his mind. Of course, he wasn’t going to do it. Or more like, it was his intention not to do it.

 

”So, you’re leaving.”

 

_Way to go, Steve. Sure, be a sarcastic shit and make Bucky feel bad for doing something you’d love to do. Great, Steve. You’re great._

 

”Yeah.”

 

_Oh, so now you can’t get any words out of your mouth? It wasn’t a hard thing for you to do when you vented about this to Natasha just a few hours ago._

 

”In a month?”

 

_God, you’re so tacky! Can you even try to do this right, Steve?_

 

”Yeah. I brought you some food.”

 

 _Now he’s trying to avoid the whole thing? Aren’t we supposed to talk about this? Discuss about our relationship? Something deeper than bringing me food?_ God, _did he bring that food as a comforter for me? Does he think food will fix this whole thing?_

 

Steve’s mind was racing as he took the paper bag and set it to the table. He let out the breath he was unconsciously holding in and closed his eyes. He heard Bucky shuffling and suddenly he was embraced in a tight hug, as if Bucky was holding onto him with his life and the last thing he wanted to do was to let go. ”I need a cigarette,” Steve mumbled after a  few seconds, or minutes, Steve wasn’t so sure of the time passing, and let go of Bucky. ”You can join me,” he added, taking the coffee cup and leaving the living room.

 

”I’ll just stay here, gather my thoughts,” Bucky said.

 

_So, I’m not the only one having difficulties with coming to terms with this thing? Great._

 

”Okay. Love you,” Steve yelled back, already getting out to the balcony. ”That was horrible,” he muttered silently to himself and lit up a cigarette.

 

Approximately nine minutes later Steve and Bucky were sitting on Steve’s bed, facing each other. Steve had a take-out box of Pad Thai on his lap and Bucky was playing with his sweater paws. ”When you leave...” Steve started, not knowing how to finish the sentence. He had had it cleared up in his mind, but as soon as he had opened his mouth, the words he was supposed to say ran away and he didn’t know what to do.

 

”What will we be?” Bucky offered helplessly. ”Long-distance relationship? Do they even work?”

 

_That could work, you don’t want Bucky out of your life forever, do you? It’ll be very awkward if you break up once he leaves and then when he comes back you will never get him back to your life ever again._

 

”I can’t do that,” Steve said, silencing the thoughts in his head. ”I’ve thought about it – but god, I’m such a mess. I wouldn’t be able to be in a long-distance relationship, it would just properly fuck me up. Fuck me up for good.”

 

Bucky nodded understandingly. ”I get it.” It was silent for a few minutes, minus Steve’s anxious chewing. ”What if we just date until I leave and then be friends? Everyone always says it won’t work, being friends with your ex, I mean. But we’re us.”

 

Steve cringed at the word _ex._ It suddenly brought every anxious thought he had had in the night and in the morning and all the time during the day back into his mind.

 

”We’re us? We’re _us?_ I think it’s more like we’re Steve and Bucky, and oh, Bucky’s leaving.” Steve knew he’d regret everything he said as soon as he would gather up himself. ”Why would we prolong it? Why not just break up now? I know you’re not leaving yet, but it feels like you’ve already left by the way how you're treating me.”

_No it fucking doesn’t feel like you’ve left Bucky, don’t listen to my stupid words and –_

 

”Like I’ve already left? What the fuck, Steve? I thought you supported _anything I’d decide to do,_ as you said. So what now? I decided I’m leaving. You know why? It’s not because of you, it’s not for you. It’s for _me._ Fuck, I can’t believe this.” Bucky looked beyond angry and Steve knew his hand was shaking. He swallowed loudly and kept his gaze locked on the box of food.

 

”I’m sorry,” he muttered, but still felt Bucky standing up from the bed. ”Don’t go.” He shook his head. ”I mean, don’t go now. You can go to France if you want to, but don’t leave now.”

 

"I thought I was treating you like I've already left, maybe I should go."

 

"I didn't mean that." Steve bit his lip so hard it started bleeding, and all he wanted was to take back the words he said and go back to the awkward sitting and eating. "I - I'm just upset. I really shouldn't say anything when I'm upset, I just keep saying things I regret and things I don't mean."

 

"Why did you say it then, if you knew you were upset?"

 

"I don't know, I just lost it for a bit, Buck. I shouldn't have said it, okay? You treat me amazingly and I'm the one making you feel awful for something I'd do myself if I had the chance. Don't go." Steve sounded as desperate as a person could sound. He knew it himself, he was being pitiful. He was like a god damn child who didn’t want his mom to leave him to the daycare. Bucky hesitated a bit, not moving anywhere. ”I’m sorry,” Steve said again. ”I’m sorry, _I’m sorry,_ ” he kept whispering the words and started rocking back and forth as he realized he was crying. He felt the mattress beside him dip down and soon Bucky was there next to him, crying as well, and took Steve’s hand in his.

  
”Not going anywhere yet,” he whispered and they sat down there, staring at each other and thinking. ”We can be friends after I leave, right?”

 

Steve thought about it. Why couldn’t they be friends? They had been friends for several months before they even dated. ”Yeah, I think so. There’s no reason why we couldn’t be friends after you leave,” Steve said, but had a feeling in his gut it wouldn’t end as well as they thought it would.

 

Bucky started unwrapping Steve’s fortune cookie, smiling at Steve as if he was his sun and moon and stars, and his entire universe.

 

”That’s mine,” Steve laughed, feeling a bit better.

 

Bucky cracked the cookie open and took out the paper. He grinned and gave it to Steve, reaching out for the leftovers of Steve’s Pad Thai. He took out Steve’s laptop and opened it (Steve’s password was trustno1 and it was the funniest thing Bucky had ever seen or heard, considering it was on the list of the most hacked passwords). Bucky put on Project Runway, cuddling to Steve’s side and munching on the food.

 

Steve read the paper and wrapped his arm around Bucky’s shoulders.

 

_Everything will be okay._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone, I hope you're all doing good. sorry for the slow updates, this time I've been super super busy with function compositions and trigonometric functions and my literature essay and my philosophy essay and my art class works and I'm dead???? inside????????? ok but I'll survive. Sorry this chapter's awful and short, but I needed to give you a nice ending instead of a cliffhanger or something sad because I'll most likely update the next time in??? a bit less than two weeks, but I might surprise you and sleep a few hours less some night and write the next chapter for you. love you all!!!


	17. Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sort of spoilers for HIMYM season 1 episode 16 by the end of the chapter. Minor spoilers.

The fact that your loved one is going to leave you is one hell of a thing to come to terms with. It either rips your heart in millions of pieces or it makes you cry more than you would like. Or then you find yourself being oddly peaceful about it. Or then you just do what Steve does every single time anything big or anxiety-causing or intimidating – or basically _anything_ happens in his life. So, it was not extremely hard for Steve to come to terms with. For two major reasons.

 

The first one was that he had decided to stuff the whole thing into a small department in his head and lock it up, not even thinking about it – and whenever he noticed he was thinking about _it,_ he shook his head and thought about dead puppies. Worked every time. It was something Steve did to survive from everything – rude people in the library, the scary looking people who sometimes stared at him when he was jogging, the judgmental people who looked at Steve and Bucky badly when they were holding hands in public. When Steve’s mom died, and now, when Bucky was leaving. He didn’t want to go through any of the pain, he didn’t want to feel anything. Anything negative or anything too strong, really. Someone (Natasha) would say (has said for at least a dozen times) that it’s extremely unhealthy to ignore a thing such like that. Steve didn’t listen, he has never listened to anyone trying to talk some common sense into him, he wanted to forget it all and not go through it like a normal person would – with ice cream and alcohol and a lot of crying. A _lot_ of crying. Not that he didn’t cry a lot anyways. And not like he doesn’t spend most of his days hidden under three blankets, eating ice cream and watching something sappy or something really happy. Or, for some reason, something so scary he won’t be able to even close his eyes for the next few hours without seeing creepy dolls or little girls in his head.

 

The second reason was between him and Bucky. Ever since their countless fights about the _certain_ thing, they had started avoiding the subject. Every time anyone even slightly mentioned it or every time the words Europe or France or writing or Bucky’s future were brought up, they switched the topic. An example of a scenario would be typically someone bringing _it_ up, then Steve and Bucky would have a race about who’s quicker at complaining about the cold and wet early-spring weather or how they had forgotten their cats in their ovens and the microwave on – however, they just avoided it. Just like Steve did inside his head.

 

So, basically, Steve wasn't even coming to terms with it. He was just avoiding it and making himself a living bomb.

 

The first week was awful. It was like learning how to skate or ride a bike – it was awkward, bumping everywhere and having people stare at you. Steve spent a major part of the first week working and painting. Bucky, on the other hand, spent most of it at the university, preparing for the _trip_ and, surprise, studying for his last exam before he had to leave. Everything was so awkward, and they both completely understood it when the other one had some plans that made it really hard for them to meet up and go somewhere. Steve avoided Bucky and vice versa. 

 

The second week was a bit better than the first one. Steve was actually able to spend time around his boyfriend-for-another-three-weeks without thinking about the inevitable, horrifying future they had. A lot of nights were spent with Bucky reading Steve the Harry Potter books aloud when neither of them could sleep. Steve’s sleep was haunted by nightmares, mostly ones including a Steve-hating Bucky and a lot of hate. Bucky was stressed and anxious about everything – even the most simple things, such like his French being really rusty. Steve loved it how Bucky rehearsed and tried to remember how to speak French while they were cooking one day. It was the first time they had sex, too. Both of them were really amazed by how they hadn’t done it before, fuck, they had known for such a long time – almost a year. They had been missing out a lot. And that was the main reason why Bucky started to speak French around Steve as much as he just could – slip in a few words or sentences once in a while, just to keep Steve on the edge of his seat and ready to drag Bucky to the closest space with no other people around.

 

But life wasn’t just marshmallows and cotton candy and fluffy blankets. Someone, everyone kept bringing up the fact Bucky was leaving Brooklyn – and the States.

 

” _Where will you live, when you’re moving to France?”_

 

” _How long will you be gone?”_

 

” _Oh, will you visit us every now and then?”_

 

” _Do you know how to speak French?”_

 

_"Oh, when did you learn to speak French?"_

 

” _Are you looking forward to going to France?”_

 

” _Will you continue your studies there or are you taking some time off from your studies to write a book?”_

 

” _Will you be famous when you’ll go to France?”_

 

And it was driving Steve crazy. Every single time Bucky and Steve were out, even when they were fucking grocery shopping at nine o’clock, they managed to bump into someone who magically knew Bucky and wanted to know about _France_. Steve had very quickly grown to hate the whole country. But, as usually, Bucky and Steve avoided the whole situation and smiled painfully through the invading interrogation before quickly fleeing the scene and never discussing it ever again after it.

 

Of course, there were times when they couldn’t simply avoid it.

 

Like two weeks before Bucky had to leave, on the third week of knowing Bucky would leave, when Tony decided to throw a Bye Bitch -party for Bucky. Goodbye party was supposedly too lame and as for the timing, Bucky had said he would be too busy to have the party any later than two weeks before he’d leave. So, the whole gang and a lot more people had gathered up at Tony’s place around the open bar and a lot of balloons with Bucky’s face drawn on them. It had been Steve’s job, drawing tens of faces on colorful balloons. Bucky actually squealed at the sight of his face everywhere around Tony’s living room. Tony’s place was _huge._ It definitely screamed out something about his father being really rich and leaving his company to his twenty-something year old son.

 

So, when Steve was drunk enough, Tony had approached him with the _thing._

 

” _So, Bucky’s leaving, huh?” Tony said, sitting down next to Steve on the free bar chair. Steve chugged down his sixth drink, pouring himself another one. He shrugged his shoulders, trying to avoid the whole_ thing _._

 

” _The weather’s nice, don’t you think?” It was honestly as cringe-worthy as it could get._

 

” _Come on, your boyfriend is leaving the damn continent and you want to talk about_ weather _? Steve, I know it’s awful and intimidating, but you have to let yourself feel_ something _and – and not just make your way through my bar, drinking everything here.” Tony cringed at Steve downing his shots and beer. ”You’re going to end up puking your guts out if you keep going with that. But I’m not going to force you to talk about this, I’m just saying –_ let yourself feel something _.”_

 

” _What do you mean, feel something?” Steve heard a familiar voice approaching. ”Steve feels a lot of stuff – and apparently he doesn’t feel the way how he should stop drinking so much.”_

 

_Feeling someone take away the bottle of scotch he had started drinking, Steve turned his gaze up to see Bucky’s worried face._

_  
”Steve, are you okay?” Bucky questioned cautiously. ”Just – talk to me, okay?”_

 

” _Talk to you? About what, James?” Steve fumed, annoyed at the world. He felt the alcohol buzzing in his head, he felt it making him fly through the air and make him float above all of his problems. ”About how you’re leaving me? About how I can’t sleep? About how I’m really late with this one really huge painting project and that I’ll get to have my works in an art exhibition if I finish it on time but I probably won’t because I’m so stressed? What do you want me to talk about, James?”_

 

_Bucky rolled his eyes anxiously. ”Come on, you’re always a sentimental baby when you’re drunk. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, I just feel like you’re slowly pushing me away from you.”_

 

” _Maybe I am,” Steve heard himself saying, and he regretted it the second the words left his mouth. ”Or not, I’m drunk and just saying shit,” he tried to deny the words, but Bucky had already sighed and stood up to leave._

 

_"I'm sorry you feel like you have to isolate yourself from everyone who cares about you, Steve."_

 

It had been like a second beginning of the awkward-ness between Steve and Bucky. All of the progress they had managed to make during the past few weeks was all gone, blown away and it seemed like it would not come back very soon.

 

By the end of the third week, a bit more than one week before Bucky leaving, Steve decided to push his anxiety aside and take a big step, crossing his own boundaries and comfort zone and the line where his anxiety could be considered life-challenging. That’s how he ended up at Bucky’s at three in the morning, a bouquet of red and white roses in his other hand and in the other hand, a tote bag full of ingredients for cookies. That night seemed to clear the air between Steve and Bucky – at least in some ways. It was as if Bucky had been waiting for Steve to get himself together, at least a little bit, and approach Bucky again. Steve was glad he had done it, even if Bucky had notified Steve about his mood changes – ” _You seem to have exactly three moods these days. Fuck off, fuck you and fuck me. What’s it today?”_ (It had been fuck me.)

 

Steve and Bucky didn’t exactly get closer to each other during the last week before Bucky was leaving. It was more of something like holding onto someone who you won’t be able to be with again anytime soon. It was more of something like trying to catch the final breath before drowning in your plane after crashing it into an ice field. But it was the best possible way to spend the last days together – sleeping in, missing work, cooking brunch, going out on walks, taking naps. 

 

The not-so-nice parts were packing up everything Bucky owned, taking the not-needed things down to Tony’s place for him to take care of while Bucky was away. Bucky kept casually stealing Steve’s hoodies and shirts, apparently for him to have something to hold on to. Steve didn’t like the idea of Bucky not being able to make it without having Steve’s shirts. He should be able to think he would get over Steve at some point – and it wasn’t like they wouldn’t be friends. Sure, it was going to be really awkward at first. Bucky and Steve had actually talked about it one day – they had decided to keep the talking about feelings and the I-love-you’s to a minimum, to help the change.

 

But everything was overwhelming and everything was like in a melancholic romantic film. It wasn’t going to be enough, nothing would be good enough compared to what Steve and Bucky had had for the past months.

 

So, when Bucky was about to leave and starter walking toward the security checkpoint for all gates, he abruptly turned around and ran back to Steve. ”I actually watched How I Met Your Mother last night and I was re-re-re-re-watching the first season and you know when in the sixteenth episode when Victoria leaves and then they decide to start a long distance relationship –”

 

”Absolutely. I'm juggling four right now. There's Lisa in Madrid, Erika in Tokyo. There's Lora in Denmark and Kelly on 34th Street,” Steve replied, trying to imitate Barney. Bucky laughed, as usually, at the fact Steve could recite so god damn many lines from the show.

 

”So, anyways, it really, _really_ inspired me.” Bucky paused. ”And I honestly don’t think I can live without being able to tell you I love you the first thing when I wake up or the last thing before I go to sleep. And – fuck, I can’t even imagine you going out with someone else after we have broken up. It just fucks me up, the thought of it. And, I know these things don’t work –”

 

Steve felt his eyes watering up and he turned his gaze down to the ground.

 

”Can we try it? Long distance? If Lisa, Erika, Lora and Kelly don’t mind you doing it. I fucking love you Steve, and I – I don’t want us to be _just_ friends.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE 
> 
> Okay so I got a flu and I'm really fucking miserable and stuck at home so I thought I might as well try to write a few chapters but I'm trying to go to school tomorrow bc I've missed like a few days of school in the past few weeks and this whole thing is a nightmare. And sorry this chapter's so short ashdufhgofijbgviostrj
> 
> But anyways I love you all, thank you all for all your support and comments and kudos -- I really really really love you all.


	18. Eighteen

_Life is weird. At one moment in life you know exactly what you’ll want, what you’ll want for the rest of your pathetic life, for example, you want to be an art teacher one day. Or a mechanic. Or you want to help sick children. You know exactly what you want and who you want to spend the rest of your life with. You can’t help but think the person you’re with at one moment will be the one you’ll spend the rest of your sad, pathetic little life with. You can’t help but think you have your whole life already figured out before you’re even halfway to thirty years old. You’re already looking out for nice houses with white picket fences from the paper in the morning and searching through some adoption sites for dogs to find a new best friend. You’ve already set your mind on the way how you want things to be, and you’re not willing to budge. You can create the whole image of your life in a few minutes, and you can always change it. For example, you want to be a professional football player. Then you find out, after trying the sport for the first time, it isn’t the one for you. Then you just change your plans and try not to be crushed by the weight of it. But it’s always such a shame and an awful thing to do, to change your whole life plan. Once you have the rest of your life planned out you want to keep it that way, not change a simple thing._

 

_You know what you want at that one moment. Future is still a far away thought, you don’t know what you’ll want from life the moment after. You have absolutely no idea what your life will be like in ten or twenty years – hell, you don’t even know if you’ll be alive then. Your opinions on how life will be can be changed in the matter of seconds._

 

_And it can totally be changed, the whole plan and all the fuss about it, in a span of five weeks._

 

 _The first four weeks you spend not knowing what life will bring you or what will happen, but then suddenly, during the fifth week, you know exactly what’s_ not _going to happen._

 

-

 

_Bucky’s birthday!! Big 26. Make pancakes and go get flowers before his work shift._

 

It read on Steve’s calendar on his phone. The notification went off at three in the morning. Steve was awake, wide awake and crying in the bathtub, smoking his way through a cheap pack of cigarettes and writing his daily diary entry.

 

Twenty-six. Bucky was far away in France, probably celebrating his twenty-sixth birthday with other writer people and not even thinking about Steve. Long distance would have been hard, Steve imagined. It was already hard enough to have your heart crushed at the airport security checkpoint, having to tell the person you love you can’t continue the relationship. But it certainly was harder to even imagine Bucky celebrating with other people and having fun.

 

It was going to be one of the biggest regrets in Steve’s life.

 

Steve found himself very uncertain about his feelings, not being used to feeling so much at one time. Of course, he felt a lot – but this was a different kind of feeling. He was sad and angry and disappointed, but at the same time he was happy. Plus all of the unidentified millions of feelings and shit. And it was overall very overwhelming, so he had absolutely no idea what to do about it.

 

So, the first week of Bucky not being around was quite awkward and full of anxiety. Steve didn’t tag along with Natasha to meet Tony and Pepper. Not even once. Steve and Bucky had texted a few times, but it was always some sort of small talk. A few pictures of France from Bucky. But they didn’t talk about anything that mattered, and it made Steve feel like he didn’t matter.

 

Against all of his, and everyone else’s, expectations, Steve stopped sulking and pining, or more like obvious and noticeable sulking and pining, after a week and a half. He was different, and Natasha kept referring to a pre-Bucky-Steve, a during-Bucky-Steve and a post-Bucky-Steve. It was more annoying than it should have been, but Steve made his peace with it.

 

The first time the whole gang, minus Bucky, hung out, they were in a small bar playing Cards Against Humanity and laughing their asses off.

 

”What the fuck Wanda,” Natasha was laughing and snorted some beer out of her nose, causing a louder laughter around the table. ”What was the black card again?”

 

Wanda shook her head and grabbed the black card from Steve’s hands before he even had a chance to realise he was supposed to read it aloud. ”What has been making life difficult at the nudist colony?”

 

”And you think foreskin is a better answer than Robert Downey Jr..” Natasha just stated, clearly disappointed. ”So you think it would be more difficult because of foreskin, not because of Robert Downey Jr..”

 

Steve felt the need to protest. ”My card, a homoerotic volleyball montage is the best. Fucking fight me.”

 

Tony waved his hand. ”Stranger danger,” he challenges, obviously referring to his own card. Pepper shakes her head and points at her card, _viagra._

 

”Wanda, which one is the winner? I want to get to another round already,” Steve whined, finishing his beer. ”I’ll go get the fifth round of beers after you’ve decided.”

 

”I’m torn between a passive-aggressive Steve and not having sex for two days,” she confessed and then, sighing, pointed at Nat’s card. ”I can survive a passive-aggressive Stevie with sex.”

 

”So, Downey Junior it is!” Steve hopped off of the bar stool and made his way to the bar. ”Five beers,” he ordered just as Natasha placed her hand on his shoulder. ”Christ, Nat.”

 

”Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Natasha took a good look at Steve’s face and pursed her lips together tightly. ”You haven’t been sleeping well, have you?”

 

Steve fought the urge to roll his eyes at the understatement. ”Nope, not really. Jack’s helping a bit.”

 

”You most certainly are not falling off of the clear-headness wagon just because some sweaty, long-haired brunette moved away. Have you been talking with him?”

 

”Nope, not really. The distance’s not helping at all.” Steve slightly appreciated the way how Nat was obviously trying to create a bad picture of Bucky for the sake of getting over him. It wasn’t working at all.

 

”That’s super annoying, Steve, quit being like a fucking child and answer me properly.” Natasha seemed, after four beers and a couple of shots, to be tired of Steve’s bullshit. Steve didn’t know if he really was that annoying at the time, but he knew he had been very annoying lately so he didn’t even try to protest.

 

”I’m sorry. I’m fine, I haven’t talked to him. It’s just so…” Steve didn’t find any words to finish the sentence, but Nat seemed to know what he was talking about.

 

”It’s awkward and you don’t know what you’re supposed to say,” she finished. Steve just nodded.

 

”I don’t feel like conquering the world right now,” Steve decided to be honest, at least on some level. ”If that’s what you’re so concerned about. It’s just, I’m actually fine and it’s scary.”

  
”You grew a beard,” Natasha reminded him with a smirk. ”The last time you grew a beard was when it had been a year since Sarah.”

 

There was a silent moment as the bartender finally brought the five beers. ”Put it on the Stark tab,” Steve said and bit his lip. ”It’s her anniversary tomorrow, you know.”

 

”Yeah, I know. You need me as your therapy dog?”

 

Therapy dog was one of their many inside jokes. It had started a few years back, when Steve had compared an oddly cuddly Natasha to a therapy dog. Now, any time when Steve or Natasha needed some kind of support, they were each other’s _therapy dogs_.

 

”I want to go alone to her grave, but if you have time I could use some sort of support after.” Steve was subtle about his needs to not to be alone after visiting his mom’s grave. It wasn’t something he was ashamed of, but he didn’t feel like climbing up to the highest roof in the whole state and scream out ” _I miss my mom and if I’m alone after visiting her grave I’ll most likely drown in my own tears while drinking three bottles of whiskey in my bathtub!”_

 

Luckily, Natasha knew what Steve meant with it, after having witnessed a couple of brief mental breakdowns during the many years they had been friends.

 

”You’re so soft,” she slurred out and made kissy faces.

 

”No, you’re the soft one.” Steve grabbed three beers and Nat two, and they made their way finally back to their own booth.

 

”During sex, I like to think about, _blank,_ ” Tony’s voice was loud and everyone else were snickering and giggling.

 

”The clitoris.”

 

”A magical tablet containing a world of unlimited pornography.”

 

”Fuck, this is so stupid when I don’t have enough options – like, the magical tablet is better, but I want Steve’s and Nat’s cards too and they’re taking too fucking long getting us some more beer – fucking finally!”

 

Steve snorted. ”Sorry, it’s a busy night.”

 

Tony scoffed and nodded as he got his beer. ”Pick your fighters. During sex, I like to think about _blank_. A magical tablet… containing a world of unlimited pornography is winning at the moment.”

 

It took them a minute, but soon Steve and Natasha had their cards ready and out.

 

”Goats eating cans.”

 

”Horrifying laser hair removal accidents.”

 

Tony squinted his eyes. ”Steve wins with his laser hair removal accidents – sorry, Peps, porn isn’t as much fun as accidents.”

 

”That was a sentence I never expected to hear from _you,_ ” Pepper laughed and motioned for Steve to get the next black card.

 

Needless to say, the next morning was a horror show full of people scrambling their way through the haze of real, harsh world, attempting to get a nice cup of hot coffee and some fat-containing food into their systems while trying not to hurl at the sight of the brightest March sun seen in many weeks.

 

Everything was ridiculously stupid, and Steve was guilty for being able to sort out his thoughts more quickly than he had ever been able to do in the past. Maybe he was just avoiding thinking in case of a certain person occupying his brains. Maybe he was just having a couple of nice days before completely falling off of a train and being a wrecked fuck up again.

 

Of course, nothing was guaranteed. He had no idea where he would be six hours later, he had no idea where he was even supposed to be in twenty years. He remembered his diary entry from a couple of days before and smiled briefly, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

 

The scene in Tony and Pepper’s kitchen was hilarious.

 

Firstly, a trainwreck of a certain Anthony, drooling on the table. Pepper sitting by the window, looking like she hadn’t had even one beer the night before. Natasha scrambling some eggs and bacon, putting up a perfect hangover cure -breakfast. She did it without even complaining, even though she looked a lot like someone who was in a lot of pain. Steve remembered the night ending with her drinking half of a bottle of booze in a few sips. Wanda was still in the bathroom, being rather loud with her after drinking -problems.

 

Enter Steve, suffering inside his head with too much questions and not enough answers, trying to mentally prepare himself for visiting his mom’s grave later.

 

”Wake Tony up, breakfast is ready,” Nat announced and sighed as everyone made very quickly their way to the table. Everyone had just crashed on the couches and spare beds in the many, _many,_ bedrooms Tony and Pepper had in their huge house.

 

As a reflect, Steve took out his phone and was about to go and message Bucky an update concerning the particular morning before remembering it was not something he was supposed to do. Natasha had given Steve six ground rules for trying to be friends after a break up.

 

One. Don’t talk to them about sex or any flings or attractions you may have. It’s a huge no-no. Especially if it has been less than four months since you broke up with your apparenlty-not significant other.

 

Two. Never try to get back together. _”You broke up with a reason. And this time it was putting dreams before you, so it might happen again.”_

 

Three. Never, ever, ever have sex with your ex. It makes things tens of times more difficult and awkward than they already are.

 

Four. Do not share intimate details with your ex. And that apparently includes not telling Bucky about the greasy breakfast and Tony drooling all over the table.

 

Five. Prioritize your new possible partner, when the time comes to it. Don’t put Bucky before them.

 

And six. Make sure it stays platonic, and give yourself as much time as you need to make sure you can keep it platonic. Hopping straight from a non-platonic relationship to a platonic friendship might be hard.

 

And Steve, while very grateful, didn’t like the advice. According to the six ground rules, he had to fight every single urge and compulsion he had. And it definitely was going to be hard.

 

Later, Steve and Natasha took the bus to get to the cemetery. Steve had a fold-able chair and a blanket with him, and Nat stayed at a small cafe near the cemetery, holding onto her phone in case of a possible mental breakdown Steve might just have.

 

Steve walked silently the path he had memorized many years ago, finding himself at peace when walking along the small paths in the stepped-on snow. The snow had already started to melt and it was an ugly mix of last year’s yellow grass and mud. It made the day seem even more miserable than it already was, going to your mother’s grave extremely hungover, covered in cold sweat, mouth dry and hands shaking with the need to chainsmoke two packets of cigarettes.

 

Steve finally found the right grave and unfolded his chair, sitting down and placing the folded blanket in his lap. He looked up at the clear, baby blue sky and sighed.

 

”Hey Ma.” he started, feeling a bit self-conscious at first. He always did, no matter how many times he had done this. It always seemed a bit weird and silly at first, but then he lost himself into it and he sometimes chatted with a gravestone for many hours non-stop. Sometimes Natasha sat down next to Steve, bringing a cup of hot coffee and a blanket. Today was different, Steve wanted to be all alone. He didn’t want Natasha’s pity, even though he knew Nat wasn’t going to pity him. She most likely would have teared up in the privacy of only Steve and possibly Sarah being around, but she wouldn’t have looked at him with such pity as the person passing by looked at Steve with. But this day was only for Steve and Sarah.

 

A few birds chirped and tweeted around, as some snow fell down from a tree branch. ”I’ve been fine, mostly. Like, not actually fine, but as fine as I could be.

  
”Remember when I talked to you last time about James? Or Bucky, I don’t remember which name I used. But anyways, he got this stupid chance to go follow his dreams to Paris and I’m so mad at him for leaving me. I know, I’m being more selfish than I’m supposed to be – I would have done the exact same thing as he did. As a matter of fact, I’ve been looking for cheap places in Rome and looking through some cheap flights – I actually have enough money to survive a month in Rome without any job. And I surely would be able to get a job in a month, right?

 

”I just… it would be such a shitty thing to do. I don’t really want to leave Natasha here, she needs me, and truthfully, I need her. I think I need her right now more than I have ever needed her. I’m just kind of afraid she’ll get tired of me eventually. And hey, she’s in a serious relationship with a girl named Wanda now! They’re so cute together, they’re so cute I don’t even feel bad for them not concealing their sickeningly sweet stuff from me after what happened with Bucky.

 

”About Bucky… We haven’t really been talking lately. It’s making me sick to my stomach, thinking about him having fun and not even thinking about talking to me. _God,_ I’m such a mess. Sorry Ma.

 

”I’ve been thinking a lot about starting therapy again. Maybe not private sessions this time, I was thinking about some sort of an anxiety support group. Wanda recommended me one – she’s a Psychology major – and I’m actually thinking about going there next Monday. It seems so scary, but maybe I can just sit back and not talk for the first meeting. And then I’ll go back if it feels right.

”I just like, I can’t sleep. I can’t eat without getting nauseous. I’m anxious all the time – and the only person who I talk to about these things is Nat, and you, and it’s not fair to Nat. And I really need to do something good for myself, even this one time.

 

”I miss you, I miss you so fucking much. Sometimes when I’m really sad I automatically start typing your phone number in my phone so I could call you but then I realize what I’m doing and I just freeze. God, I’m so stupid. Guess I’ll never get over you.

 

”I miss the way you’d read me all those fantasy books to get me to fall asleep. I hated all of the general children’s books everyone was so hyped about, but you read me your favorites even when I was just a six-year-old sick kid. I miss how you always sang in the shower – Natasha sings in the shower too, but her voice is just so fucking deafening. It’s awful, if you heard it you’d just sort of politely laugh and tell her to train her vocal cords. I miss how you always had my back and never, not even once, did not call me out on my bullshit. I guess that’s Nat’s job now, she always tells me when I’m sulking too much or when I’m too self-centered. And she gives me amazing advice for everything, for example, last night I got six ground rules for being friends with your ex. And I swear to god, this is going to be a really big challenge.

 

”But Bucky has changed me so much, he has made me a much better person than I was before I met him in the library. You remember, the spot where’s the slightly higher table than anywhere else in the library and the always-fogged window with spider webs no one ever cleans up. Natasha’s split me up in three parts, a pre-Bucky-Steve, a during-Bucky-Steve and a post-Bucky-Steve. I keep giving her shit about it but I think it’s quite accurate. I’ve changed in the past few weeks, but I can’t really describe _how_ exactly. But I’ll find out. And the bottom line is, I don’t want to let Bucky go. I’m not ready to give up – he might not be the one person I’ll end up marrying, not according to the way things have worked out so far, but I don’t really see a future without him in it some way. Fuck, I changed the whole plan for my life, but I just couldn’t leave Bucky out of it. And I really hope he’ll stay in my life, even though we’re going through a give-each-other-some-private-time phase, ’cause I love him.

 

”I love Buck with my whole heart, Ma, and I don’t really think it’ll ever go away.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you guys want some smut eventually (like bucky/steve) because idk if you want any smut but yEah
> 
> I'm supposed to be studying or sleeping but this chapter was nice to write, sorry for the lack of Bucky. I promise I'll give you more Bucky in the next chapter. 
> 
> I love you all so much <3


	19. Nineteen

”I really wish I was in my bed right now. Tucked in, my favorite sweatpants on and my laptop on my lap, watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine from Netflix – and here I am. Instead of the luxury I like to call my own safety and comfort, you just  _had_ to drag me out of the loft.”

 

Natasha ordered another shot for Steve and gave him an unappreciative look. ”You have been doing that, the same thing, for two weeks now. I get it, you’re on a break from school and you quit your job at the library, but it doesn’t mean you get to be a non-functioning member of the society. So, shut it and drink your shots and then go make out with someone. This is not a suggestion.”

 

Steve grimaced at the mention of making out. Sure, it had been three- no, four months since Bucky had left. Two months since Bucky last responded to Steve’s messages. Maybe it was time to go and make out with someone. Natasha thought the absolutely best way to get over a person was to make out with another, so there was that. The constant reminder of how Steve was supposed to just get over Bucky in a heartbeat, the constant reminder of _him_ and how Natasha didn’t even try to spare Steve’s feelings. Not anymore at least. She was acting in Steve's best interests, but she wasn’t so subtle about him having to get over his irrational and childish feelings for someone who had left him alone. So, Natasha was trying to do things to make Steve feel better. They didn’t make him feel better at all.

 

”This is for your own good,” Nat grinned, reminding Steve of his mother in a way. His first day at school, when he had wanted to stay in bed and not go – she had kissed him on his forehead and piggybacked him to school. When Nat unbuttoned the first two buttons of Steve’s button-up shirt and pushed the shot glasses closer to him, she didn’t remind him of Sarah anymore. ”Just do it, you’re going to regret not doing it just as much as you’ll regret doing it.”

 

”Then I might as well not do it, if the amount of regret will be the exact same,” _and I’m pretty sure the amount of self-hatred would be much larger if I actually did hook up with anyone here,_ Steve added, not saying it aloud. ”Nat, I have group therapy tomorrow, remember? First session. New people. Fuckin’ frightening. And I’m not going there hungover, so I’m going to give you five more minutes of my time before I’m going to get some take-out food and going home. And, it’s Monday.” Steve huffed. ”Drinking on a Monday evening isn’t exactly what a functioning member of society would do.”

 

Nat rolled her eyes and drank Steve’s shots, mumbling something about his loss.

 

”Why did you even drag me here? You knew I wouldn’t stay or get drunk.”

 

”Don’t want to talk about it.” Of course she didn’t want to talk about it – poor Steve, not wanting to harm his pretty mind with any more worries than what he already has. Their friendship seemed to be a one-way road, Steve’s worries being the important ones.

 

Steve furrowed his eyebrows and glanced at the time. ”Let’s go get you some booze and then take-out. Your pick. Then you’ll tell me what’s wrong. I’m not a baby, I can handle myself even if you took your worries and anger and whatnot out on me. You know that.”

 

After what seemed like an hour, five minutes in reality, two of them were waiting for a cab. ”Wanda and I had an… argument, you could say,” Natasha started as she sat down in the smelly and filthy cab. Steve quickly told their driver the destination and turned to look at his best friend.

 

”What was it about?” Steve prepared himself to be the relationshi(t)p advisor this time. First time for everything, right.

 

Natasha took a few seconds to think. ”I don’t really know. I was in a bad mood and so was she, and then I left some unwashed dishes on the kitchen counter and now she doesn’t even want to talk to me.”

 

”How do you know she doesn’t want to talk to you? Did she say so?”

 

Natasha smiled sheepishly. ”If you run out and slam the door shut before talking to your girlfriend, they probably don’t want to talk to you.”

 

It had Steve telling the driver Wanda’s address. Wanda lived quite close to Steve and Natasha’s place, but it was still nice to get a ride there. ”I’m not the best person to give any kind of relationship advice, but even I think that’s not how you handle arguments. You talk shit out and don’t run out, Nat.”

 

”You do that.”

 

Sometimes your life is a mess you can handle. You don’t feel like you’re taking your last dying breath every time your autonomic nervous system makes your lungs want oxygen and the oxygen doesn’t feel like melted iron in your lungs.

 

And sometimes life feels like your limbs have been shackled down and the way how you seem to trip on every word that comes out of your mouth betrays you, telling everyone you’re not okay. And life sucks, it fucking sucks. You can’t get out, but you can’t handle it either. You can’t choose not to be alive, you’re left off with a burden of knowing you can’t get better.

 

So, when Steve was asked who he was and how he was doing, he faked a smile and said: ”Hey all, I’m Steve, and I’m doing alright.”

 

Everyone greeted him in a choir and it was on. Most of the people in Steve’s group therapy had general anxiety or panic disorders, like Steve. One person, Sam, had PTSD  - a side effect of surviving the war alive– and he was the most interesting person in the room, if you didn’t count in the leader, who seemed to be overly excited for a new person to join. After all, it was alright. It felt okay to open up about his anxiety to people he didn’t know – to people, who somewhat knew what he was going through and were just simply quiet, not commenting on how Steve could live with no anxiety or how it’s going to get better (expect for the leader. Other people just silently supported him.)

 

After the meeting, there was some coffee and tea service, so Steve went to fill his thermos with hot coffee. ”Hey, Steve, right?”

 

Steve didn’t really feel like talking to anyone in particular, but he kind of went with it. ”Yeah, I'm Steve. And you’re Sam?”

 

Sam nodded and started talking to Steve about his bravery – it had apparently taken Sam a month to even introduce himself. ”It can be hard sometimes, here. But it gets better. Some day. It takes time and effort and your full concentration and it gets on your nerves and makes you wish you never even tried to get better, but it fuckin’ does get better. I’ll see you next week?”

 

Maybe it does get better. The way how Sam put it to words was way more convincing than any other way Steve had ever heard it before.

 

Weeks went by one by one, and Steve found himself loving the therapy. It helped him through everything – Natasha officially moving out, even though she still spent most of her time hanging around since Wanda was such a busy student. Steve even got a dog, Shoes, to make his days brighter. She was a real beauty, light brown fur with white spots and a light pink nose. She made Steve's days a bit better, he even managed to get out of the house to go on runs with Shoes - who was named after the countless amount of destroyed shoes she left behind her whenever she went.

 

”Bucky’s coming too, just so you know.”

 

Steve was in the middle of tying his tie, when he absolutely forgot what he was supposed to do next and then turned to look at Natasha. ”Figured.” His voice was blank, but his eyes were a tad bit brighter from the mention of Bucky’s name. ”It’s his best friend’s wedding, and he’s the best man. So I kind of figured he’d come back from Europe and settle down for at least one wedding.”

 

Natasha sighed and moved closer to Steve, so she could tie his tie. ”I just… don’t be too harsh on yourself. Take your breaks and… hey, I brought you some nicotine gum. So you’ll maybe be able to survive the whole thing.” She gave Steve a quick hug. ”And… I know you think you don’t need to hear this, but from what I’ve heard from Pepper, he’s not doing much better than you are.”

 

Even though they hung out all the time – the couple soon to be married, Steve, Natasha and her girlfriend Wanda – Bucky was a subject everyone always avoided. Even if Steve asked how Bucky was doing, everyone would try to change the subject. So this was the first time in months Steve heard something about Bucky – thanks to Bucky not being a fan of social media and updating every single thing about his life online so Steve could look it up and stop bothering their friends about it. And Natasha was right, it didn’t make Steve feel any better. It made Steve feel _worse._

 

Why? Steve felt like absolute shit. He knew it wasn’t really healthy, but he kept on pining and he couldn’t just seem to even _think_ about getting over Bucky despite of multiple attempts to try and drown his longing into a pint of ice cream.

 

”Okay,” was all Steve said to it, turning his back on a very worried Natasha and then storming to his room. It was wedding time soon and Steve already wanted it to be over.

 

The wedding was, presumably, the most gone wrong wedding Steve had ever attended. Firstly, the damn priest was late. He had thought the wedding would begin half an hour later, but luckily he had showed up early – just a bit too late for the actual time. The flowers were late, too; they were placed during the ceremony. Pepper stumbled over her dress when walking down the aisle, Tony forgot his vows. It was a disaster. Expect for the person Steve had had a staring contest with for the whole ceremony.

 

Of course, Steve had missed the whole thing, too busy trying not to look so miserable while staring at Bucky. Thank _god_ he was staring at Steve, too, or it might have been creepy.

 

It took a few hours to get everyone to the party venue, out of the church, but it happened in a blink of an eye and Steve didn’t even realize Natasha had dragged him with her. He had tried to find Bucky after the whole thing, but he got cold feet as soon as he saw even a glimpse of long hair on anyone, so he decided to give up. Bucky would come to him if they were to talk this evening. All Steve really wanted to do was get away from everyone. People were moving in large groups all around him. The air seemed to be lacking all oxygen and Steve felt his throat tighten, his hands and legs shaky as he stood up from his seat and ran out of the venue. He thought of calling Sam, who was dog-sitting Shoes, so he could send Steve a few pictures of his baby. He didn’t call Sam.

 

There was a sort of a garden outside. Flowers and trees and green grass everywhere, even a small pond with an angel statue in the middle of it. Steve lit his cigarette and smoked it halfway through before realizing something.

 

He wasn’t alone in the garden, he saw someone else light up a cigarette. He wasn’t far, but he was sitting on the grass next to a tree so the other person might not have noticed him. He had long dark hair, a smoking hot tux and a spark of hope in his eyes as they met Steve’s.

 

Steve walked toward the person and stopped as he neared him. ”Hey, Buck.”

 

”Hi, Stevie.”

 

Steve cleared his throat. ”So, what brings you here?” Cringing at the choice of an icebreaker, he lighted up another cigarette.

 

”I’m the best man, if you remember,” Bucky had been staring at the ground since he had spotted Steve, but he raised his gaze up to look at Steve again. ”I’ve missed you. It’s boring in France without you there.”

 

”It’s boring in Brooklyn without you here,” Steve smiled sheepishly. ”I’ve missed you. So much. You can't even imagine how much I've missed you.”

 

And just like that Steve was ready to break all of the ground rules Natasha had given him about being friends with your ex-boyfriend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone I'm done with my exams and assignments for now and I'm happy to inform you that I've decided to try (read: try and most likely fail) to update more often, but please don't kill me if I don't do that. 
> 
> I thought about writing a longer chapter but sadly, I don't have time to write this today any more and decided to leave it here and write more about Steve and Bucky's reunion in a few days. 
> 
> Love you all, hope you're all doing okay. <3


	20. Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey! This is the last chapter due to my depression and a major lack of motivation and inspiration.

Steve and Bucky chitchatted and talked about stuff as if they hadn’t just been not talking for the past months, and the barrier Steve had set around him seemed to loosen up as Bucky kept grinning and laughing and snickering at everything Steve did as if he was a teenager in love. In _love._

 

Steve made the mistake of asking Bucky when he’d come back to Brooklyn. Apparently in two months. It seemed like a lifetime, and it reminded Steve of what he wasn’t allowed to have. The brighter side was, he was originally set to come back in half a year. And now the time had been decreased, because of his quick studying and book writing – and Steve didn’t want anything more than to get Bucky back to his side to Brooklyn, to take him out for coffee, to tell him about everything he had achieved during the last months, and so much more.

 

And that’s exactly what he got. _I’m with you till the end of the line,_ as Bucky had said, was a promise he didn’t break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys. okay so storytime (a really short one): I'm depressed and I have zero motivation to finish this fic. I used to have so much energy and inspiration for this one but I've been trying and trying to write it for the past months. I'm sorry if this isn't the ending you wanted, I'm sorry for all the gaps and all the things that were left open. So I just decided to write this really really really long (as you can see) chapter to wrap it up. I didn't want to just leave it like how it was. I still don't want to leave it like this, but this is it. I love you all who are still reading this, thank you. <3
> 
> \- K


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